dreamer18xx
May 1st, 2012, 07:10 PM
My story isn't as horrible since the girl that did this to me was the same age I still find it hard to call myself a survivor when I feel it's still my fault but I still remember it like yesterday it was just really painful and embarrassing to admit to anyone. The smell of leather in my moms car, how short my legs were that they couldn't even touch the ground of the car, my little frilly socks, as we drove in the summer time to a "friends house" who's name I couldn't even remember. "mom who's Alexandra" I would my mom. To which she would reply "you remember her you guys used to hang out when you where babies" I shook my head no I didn't remember. We reached a small ranch house to which I met my "friend" we hung out and she seemed alright to me I little bossy and she would pull my long *hair even though I asked her to stop but alright. We where playing dolls in her room when suddenly she asked me a odd question I just shook my head scared I didn't want to do what she was asking I knew in the back of my little girl mind that it was wrong. But she persisted blocking the door as I tried to get out telling me if I didn't do as she said I wouldn't see my mommy again. Blood pulsing with adrenaline I swallowed nervously and did as she said a stupid thing I regret so much not a day goes by where I don't think of myself as a dirty slut. questions as to why I didn't push her out of the way or why didn't I do this or that always consume my mind. Sure she was allot bigger than me and smarter (in honors) *than me the girl with ADD but I should have put up a bigger fight. But I didn't :c I did as she told me as a slut would do I stripped off my cloths. I let her see everything. shaking wishing to just have my cloths. After she was done she gave me a satisfied smile I put on my cloths as she moved from the door I quickly jumped up and ran from that horrible place. I got to my mom and hugged her saying I wanted to go home I new what I did was bad. I had done a bad thing I didn't want her to know so I didn't say anything. I knew I was disgusting in gods eyes and I would be in hers. After this happened my mind repressed this memory until I was 13?? I seriously wish I remembered because I *went over her house and she was a total bitch to me but we got along somehow until one day when i was going through something with my sister and crying hysterically to her about it she tried something with me again. she grabbed my hand and put it on certain parts of her and no matter how many times I told her to stop she didn't I tried to pull away but she wouldn't let me go and after she was satisfied she let go of my arm and told me and I still remember this "you know you liked it because you're a pervert" I felt guilty and hated her guts after that. I stopped hanging out with her no matter how many times she would call. *A few years latter I wondered why I was so messed up and afraid of people and the repressed memory of when I was 6 came back to me. Alexandra still acts like nothing was wrong *at all and still acts happy to see me and that just makes me nauseous. 5 months ago I joined track and *guess who was on the team?? Yep her it didn't help I was already nervous about being good but her being nice to me just made me even more stressed out. That December just before Christmas I attempted suicide ended up in a psych ward on Christmas and now it's April and here I am getting home schooled. So that's my super long story about what I went through not that bad but I feel like it really effected me. Still no one knows because I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to say anything. Plus I feel like no one would believe me since she's so popular and a perfect straight A student. Even now this hurts me to write it's so hard. I don't trust people the way I used to at all