project_icarus
April 29th, 2012, 09:37 PM
Is me. I'm empty. Pointless, meaningless, useless, helpless, worthless.
Sorry this is so long. Just a (appropriately) pointless rant.
I don't know why I'm still here. Even though I'm here, I'm just not here. I never really am.
This song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97S66xee0U8) describes my "situation" so well. So do many songs. But they're just songs. As much as music (and the few things that mean anything to me) means to me, it doesn't really change much. When the song ends I just feel disappointed.
Four months ago, where was I? I had no more of a life than I do now. I didn't leave my room, I was on my iPod 24/7, talking to my boyfriend (who left Australia years ago) who promised "I'll never hurt you"; "I'll never leave you"; and a bunch of other things. Guess what he did? Not only did he criticise everything I did, but he just attacked me, with words. I'd had limited contact with him but after a long shit fight I ended up blocking and removing him from all online contact.
I'm not that different now. The closest person who gives a fuck about me is in Singapore. I don't really have friends, but there's one person that comes to mind with friends - Sage, who I met the last time I was in 4H (psych ward at princess margaret hospital). But the thing is, I can only be with her as much as I can the rest of my friends, which is not at all at the moment. I'm barely even in Perth, I'm that far north, whereas she's smack bang in the southern center of Perth.
4H is absolutely useless. It's not news to me, but I'm quoting Sage, "...to 4h they're useless". And I agree. I'd stay away from there but every time I've been admitted was because of either the police or an ambulance. Most of the times I've not been admitted and just been taken in to A&E were from me being driven there. I've been taken in and not admitted so many times, whether it's been from cutting too deep, suicide ideation or something completely different. Amazingly enough, the first time I was admitted to 4H was after I was taken in to A&E by ambulance from school, before I had been diagnosed with Tourettes, they thought I was having some kind of seizure, depression/anxiety triggered/related (because I need/want all these slashes/forward-slashes).
It's one, two days and it's May. Time has gone so quickly. I've been through a lot the past 18 months, but it's just gone so quickly. I can't handle my shit.
Not to mention I've got even more shit coming up.
I was able to attempt to confide in my older cousin. She took what I said really well, but didn't completely understand. I haven't spoken to her since, and I feel bad about it, but that's because I ran away for two days (I planned to stay away for longer. Much longer) only to be hauled back home at 2am by the police, and I couldn't call her so I had no contact with her.
Pointless rant, don't really know what else to say. I fail and I've failed for the final fucking time. I'm empty and pointless. I'm absolutely nothing.
Sorry this is so long. Just a (appropriately) pointless rant.
I don't know why I'm still here. Even though I'm here, I'm just not here. I never really am.
This song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97S66xee0U8) describes my "situation" so well. So do many songs. But they're just songs. As much as music (and the few things that mean anything to me) means to me, it doesn't really change much. When the song ends I just feel disappointed.
Four months ago, where was I? I had no more of a life than I do now. I didn't leave my room, I was on my iPod 24/7, talking to my boyfriend (who left Australia years ago) who promised "I'll never hurt you"; "I'll never leave you"; and a bunch of other things. Guess what he did? Not only did he criticise everything I did, but he just attacked me, with words. I'd had limited contact with him but after a long shit fight I ended up blocking and removing him from all online contact.
I'm not that different now. The closest person who gives a fuck about me is in Singapore. I don't really have friends, but there's one person that comes to mind with friends - Sage, who I met the last time I was in 4H (psych ward at princess margaret hospital). But the thing is, I can only be with her as much as I can the rest of my friends, which is not at all at the moment. I'm barely even in Perth, I'm that far north, whereas she's smack bang in the southern center of Perth.
4H is absolutely useless. It's not news to me, but I'm quoting Sage, "...to 4h they're useless". And I agree. I'd stay away from there but every time I've been admitted was because of either the police or an ambulance. Most of the times I've not been admitted and just been taken in to A&E were from me being driven there. I've been taken in and not admitted so many times, whether it's been from cutting too deep, suicide ideation or something completely different. Amazingly enough, the first time I was admitted to 4H was after I was taken in to A&E by ambulance from school, before I had been diagnosed with Tourettes, they thought I was having some kind of seizure, depression/anxiety triggered/related (because I need/want all these slashes/forward-slashes).
It's one, two days and it's May. Time has gone so quickly. I've been through a lot the past 18 months, but it's just gone so quickly. I can't handle my shit.
Not to mention I've got even more shit coming up.
I was able to attempt to confide in my older cousin. She took what I said really well, but didn't completely understand. I haven't spoken to her since, and I feel bad about it, but that's because I ran away for two days (I planned to stay away for longer. Much longer) only to be hauled back home at 2am by the police, and I couldn't call her so I had no contact with her.
Pointless rant, don't really know what else to say. I fail and I've failed for the final fucking time. I'm empty and pointless. I'm absolutely nothing.