My crazy thoughts

[Tatiaona]

Hey guys, I used to come on here before, but I keep forgetting my login info and the site didn't send me a new password so I made a new profile. Anyways having been on here in while. So right now... I just tried my best attempt to like write out all the thoughts in my head. I don't know if anyone can relate or if you care.... if so great! if not, thats fine, you don't even have to read through it. I know it all sounds crazy. But.. I don't know. Yo give you guys some background on me. I'm 19, go to a four year university (I'm in my second year), I have been cutting continuously for the past two years and off and on before that. Recently (about 3 weeks ago) I went to see a psychiatrist for the first time, she told me I have an obsessive compulsive personality (but not full OCD), moderate anxiety and moderate depression. Gave me the starting dose of Prozac... and thats about it. Not sure if any other details will help you guys to understand.. but I realize that i'm probably rambling right now. And my thoughts.. Its REALLY long, I apologize.


Anyways... here they are:

My thoughts………they go around and around and around like a twister. I hate when this happens because I can feel when it’s about to happen. Like a storm coming, you can see the clouds before it actually rains. GOSH!!! I feel trapped in my own head… sometimes I wish that I can just take my head off, shake all the thoughts free and put it back on so that I can have a clear head for once. Yesterday was hard…. I just wanted to scream. I guess that’s what happens when you fool yourself into thinking everything is all better, allow yourself a week.. maybe a week and a half of peace. Then BLAM!!! You get ambushed by your thoughts. Thoughts about what? I wish I knew how to explain that. Everyone asks: what are you thinking? My response: I don’t know… “how do you not know..” they don’t understand how hard it is to latch on to a single thought when they are spinning around like a twister.. how fast do things go in a twister? Like a 100mph or something? Well yea that’s how fast my thoughts race through my mind when I’m “cycling”. Yesterday the best way that I can explain what I was thinking is: I was thinking… about thinking. Yea makes no sense right? Welcome to my own personal world of crazy. Thinking about thinking: It’s like, thinking about why you are thinking, why you are thinking so much, why did you just have that thought, how long have you been thinking this. See? It’s all intertwined, hard to separate out one thought from another, because in my mind all these thoughts are connected like a spider’s web. It….. hurts? For lack of a proper word, to think all these thoughts. I know they don’t make sense, I know I sound crazy, hell as far as I am concerned I am crazy. I try to stop thinking…. And you know what happens? The thought of “STOP THINKING” just gets added to the twister… so know it’s : thinking about why you are thinking, why you are thinking so much, why did you just have that thought, how long have you been thinking this, STOP THINKING, why do you have to think the thought of stop thinking, why can’t you just stop thinking, what’s wrong with you, you know what wrong with you, well stop….. See where this is going? And it NEVER ENDS. Even when you think about something to distract yourself.. all that happens is that thought gets added to the cycle now. Why do you have to distract yourself?...... etc etc et fucking c. I try to use what Dorje told me, don’t get caught up in the cycle…. Well that’s pretty damn hard when your whole entire mind is consumed by the fucking cycle!!!! Sorry … now I’m starting to sound pissed/irritated. Well FUCK I am pissed, I was comfortable over the past week, no urges, no cutting, no wanting to cut… and yesterday just fucked that all up. Did I cut? No but did I want to HELL YEA FUCKING RIGHT. It was driving me insane! Because then that thought just was added to the cycle. Do you understand? Does anyone/ Can anyone understand this? Every thought… is somehow connected, and I can’t stop the thoughts from joining together and cycling around. Its… like some horrible form of torture. Yea I might be over exaggerating there…. But only by a little. Like right now? What am I thinking?: Why am I writing this, what is this supposed to do, why do you even feel the need to write this, what’s wrong with you… and you already read/heard what that last one connects to. You see? I feel like I’m beating a dead horse. Oh pardon all the metaphors/similes, just my best attempt to try and give someone an idea of how I feel. How do I feel? I don’t even know….. I wish I could feel numb right now…. Or be sleep.. or hell be high? And you know what! I was pissed yesterday…. I smoked and do you know what that did to stop the cycle? NOTHING!!! All it did was slow the thoughts down a bit and made it even harder to grasp on to them. So much for all the “marijuana is bad, makes you lose your memory”… obviously that doesn’t apply to me. OH YEA and these fucking meds? What are they doing? Just fucking with me and tricking me into thinking that I was going to be okay for a week? Then just letting me assaulted by everything that it’s SUPPOSED to prevent… yea I don’t know about that, It feels worse than before I ever started the medication. At least before I was used to it…. Now it feels like….. overwhelming? Damn… this thing is long. Okay…I think I got it all out.. Do I feel any better? Not one bit.. Now I just feel even crazier…. GREAT…. I’m tired of this… really ,really, fucking tired.

[Desuetude]

Okay, The first part I can completely empathise with you. About the thoughts and not knowing what you're feeling or thinking but they're still all there jumbled up together in a pile in your head. The week of peacefulness? I only got 3 days but yay, they're back now. It's scary how much i've been thinking about this today and now here it is most of it written in a thread. Sometimes it's just better to stop thinking and let go but you just can't, they're there toying with you with every step you take and I've tried pulling my hair out and as much as it's stupid my head off because it is just so overwhelming sometimes. I completely get where you're coming from, over-thinking every single little detail even if it's insignificant it gets dragged in. All the thoughts somehow tangling themselves up so things that weren't even part of it to start with my brain manages to fit it somewhere.

It's good that you didn't cut when you got the urge, that's great! It shows how strong you are, you can beat it even when it all comes rushing at you at once. I know it might not work but to block them out I just shive my headphones on and play some loud, hardcore song and just try to focus on the music, it helps me sometimes.
Have you tried talking about this outloud? About everything and trying to explain? It could be that when you hear it outloud it might make a little more sense to you.

Smoking was never going to help, it's great that things like alcohol and smoking can sometimes make the problem go away for a little while and make you feel as though you don't have a care in the world but in reality when you come back you'll be lower than when you started. Don't let that happen, yes it's an escape but only temorarily. It will do more harm than good in the long run.
About the meds, give them some time and maybe you'll come around to them? If not then talk to your psychiatrist and see what she has to say about it.
I'm the same about writing it all down as well, you write this shit long post with everything in it execting to feel some release but really everything is still there weighing you down. Writing, especially all in one block, doesn't work for everyone. I find instant messaging easier because questions can be asked and it's one-one, it feels as though someone is actually listening. You need to find your way of getting things out that doesn't involve self harm. There are lots of options you just need to find the one that's right for you and will actually work.

I'm not sure what else to say but I have to add that you are not crazy at all. It is stressful and everything takes so much more effort but that doesn't make you crazy.

[Fractured Silhouette]

Not sure what to say. Here I'll give you some advice:

Listen to music, it gives you something to think about.

You say it's a twister? Try having positive thoughts instead of negative ones, that way instead of a cow hitting you in the face, it's a... blanket? Metaphorically of course. Try to turn your twister of horrible thoughts into a twister of happy ones.

Find something to get you occupied, run, climb. From the sounds of it though, your thoughts might torment you about doing these things. So find something you enjoy doing so your thoughts won't try to hassle you while your doing it.

Turn your thoughts onto a scenario. Straighten them out. Let me elaborate: instead of your thoughts flying everywhere at once, turn them into a straight and orderly line. (Once again metaphorically). Think of a scenario, then imagine yourself involved in it, and where it would take you into the future. eg. Imagine yourself walking to the shops and where that would take you.

Focus is key. It's hard, but once your focused on something your thoughts are all too occupied being focused rather then being annoying.

Hope this helped. -Good Luck

p.s. Your not crazy.