Exhausted.

[Aceso]

I can't do this. I just can't.
So I was talking to a lose friend on skype, the only friend that bothered to talk to me at all.
And she tells me that someone else from our group is 'starving herself and making herself sick.' and apparently has a self-diagnosed eating disorder. And everyone 'knows I'm out of school because I went crazy.'
This seems to happen a lot - whenever some 'friend' finds out about my problems (last time a close friend leaked my secrets, and another time they hacked into my private blog.) they copy me. When this girl found out I cut, she used a nail file to make some mark on her arm, and made me bring in dressings for her. Even though she did it once, and it wasn't even cutting (it hadn't even broken the skin), everyone was crowding around her and she was telling people how she'd 'slashed her arms up really badly' and suddenly parents were called and meetings were arranged.
And this time, after I got pulled out of school because I purged so much I collapsed, this happens. I don't know if it's coincidence, or what.
I don't know why but this triggered me so much. It made me so mad that I'm in the middle of a relapse and nobody even knows, and this girl is flaunting about and boasting about how she is 'extreme dieting' and 'nobody understands.' I feel frustrated that she's showing it off and making it look like it's such a normal thing to do and swathes it in gold.
And for some reason, that hurt me so much.
Because she doesn't know what it's like, and will never know what it's like. Even if she did make herself sick, how could she possibly know what it's like to be bent over at 2am, begging for it to stop but forcing yourself to throw up. How could she know what it's like to not even be able to take a sip of juice without feeling sick to the stomach until you puke it up?
I feel so insulted that she's throwing something like this around so casually. The times I've wanted to die because of this, how much it's ruined my life. And she glorifies it.
I can't do this anymore. I'm so exhausted. I've just been lying in my bed for the past hour with my blades, I've cut my arms again for the first time in a year. I have school on tuesday. I'm too tired to fight this anymore, I don't even know how I can try.
I've given up.

[beebs]

People who think, self harm and eating disorders are cool, are idiots who dont understand about the issues. Ive had people come up to me and say "I think ive hit a vein, help me", and they dont even know i self harm, so being the nice friend I am, i take a look just to realize, this was there first time, and they have hardly broke the skin. People who are like that, are begging for attention, im not saying its bad, because everyone needs attention, but there trying to gain it in completely the wrong way.

And I beg for you not to give up yet. I know I cant really help you as much as I would like to. But im always here <3

[Carly011]

Those people are stupid, they think this is some cool "fad" something to do to make themselves look cool. They don't understand that the people who actually do these things are very very hurt people. We dont WANT to do this, but we feel like we can't help it. People who are truly hurting and doing this try to hide it, they keep it a secret and don't want other to know. They don't go around flaunting it, that is only asking for attention.

Please dont give up, i KNOW it feels like nothing will get better, but they will. Please just cut those type of people out of your life and keep on fighting to live. you CAN do this

[MemoriesLost]

There's this group of girls in the bathroom every day at lunch laughing about how cool the 'slash' on their arm looks. They don't break skin either. They even wear short sleeves showing their marks to the world. It really triggers me too. It makes people treat them like queens- it shouldn't. Sometimes just PASSING them makes me want to cut myself because fury sucks. I totally agree that they're stupid. SO. AGREE.
Just try to hold on. I know it's hard, but it's possible.

[Aceso]

To everyone - thank you for your support. I've cut again tonight, and purged. As the deadline gets closer the worse I'm getting. I don't know what I'm going to do on the day. I honestly have no clue. I feel so sick and empty and depressed. I feel like it's all falling apart in some crazy way, I don't even know how I feel anymore. I don't feel like I should be human, I feel like an outcast because I'm some freak.
I'll try stay away from them, but they will most likely come looking for me. :/ I do have another group of friends from when I was in my first year there - they're kind and will accept me, however they aren't aware of my difficulties which might be hard to explain. I will be better with them I guess because they're so genuine.

It makes people treat them like queens- it shouldn't.

I completely agree with this 100%. It's funny because when people found out I cut, they told me i'd be better off dead and I was pathetic. The same happened to a guy in my school in the same position as me - only he got it so worse he attempted and is now in the same psychiatric unit I was in last year. :( We tried to cover it, with everything we could. We tried to keep it a secret when we could. But then when someone popular comes along and flaunts it around, all her friends will break their backs bending to her will and everyone else will follow. The brutal unfairness of it all is what hurts me more than anything else I think.
It's all so cruel. Why can't we just be accepted and loved? Right now, I'd give anything to stay home longer and NOT have attention from anyone - even my best friend (my only friend.) in school.
It's like one person crossing thin ice, trying not to break it, and then someone else just comes running past you in heels or studs, breaking it and letting you fall in while they reach safety, if you get what I mean.
Thank you everyone <3