It's getting worse again.

[Fiction]

Okay, so i've been cutting about two and a half years now. For about a year of that, things where better. I'd go weeks between cutting. Now i'm back to 2 or 3 days between cutting.

I don't really understand it. I'm happier in a lot of ways than I have ever been. My life is nearing on perfect. The only things really killing me now is insecurities and the thoughts of the past. I just feel stuck and I don't know how to sort things out.

I don't really know how to describe my "issues". I guess alot of them are to do with trust, and what people think of me. I'm constantly convinced people hate me, or that they are annoyed at me, no matter how much they reassure me they're not. This in turn causes intimacy issues, and I think a part of me is getting scared in that i'm well on my way to truly opening up to someone, which i've never done before.

The past is another thing bothering me, and I guess this is the main reason I cut now. I can't get over anything that's happened and I just have no clue how. It's killing me, and it pushes me to cut almost constantly. I want it to go away I just don't know how.

I thought I was better... I don't know :/ Someone help?

[MemoriesLost]

I have pretty much the same problem...
I'll go for awhile thinking
'YEAH! LIFE IS GOOD, I'M BETTER!'
But in the end, convincing myself I'm better makes the inevitable pain to come more..... I don't know, eroding. It's a harder blow. I'll get the sudden need to cut or burn and after, I feel a guilt and shame that can't match anything. I'm going to a therapist now. Talking sometimes helps. Just being able to vent and not needing to feel judged. I think that's all I can say.....

[Fiction]

I've been in counselling 3 times in the last 14 months. Each time i've been told I don't need counselling. So yeah. Getting help isn't an option unfortunately :/

[FullyAlive]

In all three of these times were you honest with your counsellor, completely? Were you willing to be there?

[Fiction]

I guess not. But being honest is impossible for me, pretty much. I tell people what they want to hear.

[Stronger]

Okay, so i've been cutting about two and a half years now. For about a year of that, things where better. I'd go weeks between cutting. Now i'm back to 2 or 3 days between cutting.

I don't really understand it. I'm happier in a lot of ways than I have ever been. My life is nearing on perfect. The only things really killing me now is insecurities and the thoughts of the past. I just feel stuck and I don't know how to sort things out.

I don't really know how to describe my "issues". I guess alot of them are to do with trust, and what people think of me. I'm constantly convinced people hate me, or that they are annoyed at me, no matter how much they reassure me they're not. This in turn causes intimacy issues, and I think a part of me is getting scared in that i'm well on my way to truly opening up to someone, which i've never done before.

The past is another thing bothering me, and I guess this is the main reason I cut now. I can't get over anything that's happened and I just have no clue how. It's killing me, and it pushes me to cut almost constantly. I want it to go away I just don't know how.

I thought I was better... I don't know :/ Someone help?

Things that happened in the past culd be a tricky thing to get past, if you know what I mean, but then you just have to think of all the current positives that are happening in your life. Maybe you are convinced people hate you, because you expect people to, without giving them a chance to tell you the truth, that in fact, they don't hate you, and I don't know anyone that could hate you Kathy.

Jumping back to the past, that is something that could take time to get over; do you think you have any friends, or say a teacher, somone that you can just have a long talk with, to try and help you? Since you said professional help is out of the option. I think I can speak for everyone here, and say no one hates you, we all love you here, and are all here for you Kathy :hug: I hope you get better fast, stay strong.

[FullyAlive]

Then there you go, honestly Kathy I really think you do need help. You think you're happy and maybe you are. But you're still cutting, suicidal I think help would be so beneficial. But you really need to be honest, completely and utterly truthful. If you are they won't send you away. Find someone you trust and practice with them before you go. But seriously Kathy please go get some help.

[Fiction]

Things that happened in the past culd be a tricky thing to get past, if you know what I mean, but then you just have to think of all the current positives that are happening in your life. Maybe you are convinced people hate you, because you expect people to, without giving them a chance to tell you the truth, that in fact, they don't hate you, and I don't know anyone that could hate you Kathy.

Jumping back to the past, that is something that could take time to get over; do you think you have any friends, or say a teacher, somone that you can just have a long talk with, to try and help you? Since you said professional help is out of the option. I think I can speak for everyone here, and say no one hates you, we all love you here, and are all here for you Kathy :hug: I hope you get better fast, stay strong.

Thank you Brandon <3

I've been talking alot more about the past, and how I feel than I ever have before. I have an amazing boyfriend who is willing to listen to me talk for hours about these types of things, and he's incredibly observant and always knows exactly when there's something wrong. But this is where my insecurities come in the most. I just think he must be getting annoyed with me, and I feel like i'm constantly trying to find some form of fault in him... I can't find one and it bothers me. He's so perfect it seems to be good to be true, and with my past experience of practically everyone in my life, i'm waiting for him to turn around and hurt me. I was discussing this with him last night and everything he said was logical it's just hard to believe... He understands me like no one has before and that really really scares me.

And Brandon unfortunately you have a nicer view of me than most people get :( I am a bitch and i can be incredibly horrible at times. It's just a defence mechanism against people, I guess, but most people wouldn't see that, and I don't want to make excuses anyway.

But yeah back to my point, talking seems to be helping and not helping at the same time. I guess it's probably just something that's going to take time, but it scares me it'll never go away, or that it'll cause me to lose my boyfriend which is the only thing making me recover right now.

Then there you go, honestly Kathy I really think you do need help. You think you're happy and maybe you are. But you're still cutting, suicidal I think help would be so beneficial. But you really need to be honest, completely and utterly truthful. If you are they won't send you away. Find someone you trust and practice with them before you go. But seriously Kathy please go get some help.

I'm happy with my life, completely, I know that much. It's just the thoughts, mainly of the past and all that the past has lead me to be insecure about, that's hurting me now, and making me cut and be suicidal. If I get help it means digging up everything and telling my mum again, and then it means telling a counsellor things I really can't tell anyone, except Kieran. :/ I feel like I should be strong enough to get better on my own anyway, since like I said, my life is perfect right now.

[FullyAlive]

it'll cause me to lose my boyfriend which is the only thing making me recover right now.

That's unhealthy. Recovering for one person and one reason allowing yourself to be dependent on them won't help no matter who it is. You need a selection of things and the biggest reason should be yourself.

As for telling your mother can't you tell her you want to talk to someone about January not because you feel that way again but because you want to just sort it out in your head. Or you could go to an adult service and not tell her, I was referred a few months ago to an adult counseling service and a young adult behaviour thing. You wouldn't have to tell your parents then.

And like I said before, if you can practice with Kieran exactly what you need to say beforehand maybe you'll be able to make sure they know everything they need to know.

[Fiction]

That's unhealthy. Recovering for one person and one reason allowing yourself to be dependent on them won't help no matter who it is. You need a selection of things and the biggest reason should be yourself.

As for telling your mother can't you tell her you want to talk to someone about January not because you feel that way again but because you want to just sort it out in your head. Or you could go to an adult service and not tell her, I was referred a few months ago to an adult counseling service and a young adult behaviour thing. You wouldn't have to tell your parents then.

And like I said before, if you can practice with Kieran exactly what you need to say beforehand maybe you'll be able to make sure they know everything they need to know.

I'm not dependent on him. It's different. I have him to talk too and I trust him more than I ever have anyone else, and I find it unlikely i'll trust anyone that much again, or at least for a long while. That's just fact, not dependency. He is not my reason to get better, that is me. He is my means of getting better, and my crutch while i'm doing so.

And I guess I could do. I'll try and figure out what there is in my area.