Why?

[Jhcx]

Im going to sound like a complete ass hole but respect my opinion cause i dont understand! Also i may contradict myself, im neutral :whoops:

I cant and never will understand what you are like. What triggers in your mind. Just like you will never understand me. But Being on this site and reading "Todays Posts" I see the self harm section. And i die a little everytime i see them i have to close the tab down in rage. I have no other question in my mind at the time but only 'Why'

We were all children, when did we become so drastic? No body has an easy life. There is always something on their mind. some of us are just tested in life. Because something believes we have a purpose what is it? I dont know. Will it be great? to be honest i doubt it. But Each day is something new and we fight it. Just to show whos really in charge. I dont want to be sounding cliché but its the only way if im to understand.

My opinion on life! Ya its a tough struggle. Never easy. I was bullied i was a bully. Its made me jumpy. I react quick and i lose it even quicker. No body at home understands me. I drives me insane! Ive had 3 occasions when i went the draw but It wasnt worth it. Then i chose Jay walking but again just not worth it. Ive already harmed myself even thinking about it. But im too proud of my body. im already scared for life because of a disability. Why harm ourselves when theres a tree out the back. Because of my background to me in my mind its just stupid no offence its just the way i was brought up. I let my mind decide what i should do which is wrong. I let go of self control theres many a day i just want to drop dead have a random car strike me down. But i have no reason for it. And i move on.


Anyway I guess just guess i cant understand. Maybe theres a wall stopping me. But i would like to get your opinion on it. Even if its just to read what goes on in your mind. Its a logical thing i cant wrap my head around.

Question: Do you listen to a lot of music? Did you know it can influence your thoughts on the actions you carry out!

Sorry if this post seems totally stupid in your eyes. Some of you may know the answer others dont.

Influenced song of this post (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zh_1dQMtll0)

[Error 404]

Why?Well...

My reasons...hmm...it just feels good/right, even tho i know it isn't.It relaxes me, and in my opinion, 1 of best ways of hurting myself, without actually hurting, if you know what i mean.I hate myself.I really, really do lol.For everything i've done, for everything that i am, for every single reason, no matter how small = anger, and if something/someone makes me angry, it just adds up.And that small things make me "break", and then, well, ill just say, it isn't good.

This is 1 of best ways, not to "break".Relaxes me a LOT, and on most other nights, makes me forget...

But well, i've stopped doing it.Not for good reason tho, but i've stopped, little more than 4 months ago.

Everyone is got a reason.But i really do not recommend doing it, cause once u start, it very hard to stop, and its even harder not do it again.

[Jhcx]

Why?Well...

My reasons...hmm...it just feels good/right, even tho i know it isn't.It relaxes me, and in my opinion, 1 of best ways of hurting myself, without actually hurting, if you know what i mean.I hate myself.I really, really do lol.For everything i've done, for everything that i am, for every single reason, no matter how small = anger, and if something/someone makes me angry, it just adds up.And that small things make me "break", and then, well, ill just say, it isn't good.

This is 1 of best ways, not to "break".Relaxes me a LOT, and on most other nights, makes me forget...

But well, i've stopped doing it.Not for good reason tho, but i've stopped, little more than 4 months ago.

Everyone is got a reason.But i really do not recommend doing it, cause once u start, it very hard to stop, and its even harder not do it again.

In the bold above, you remind me of myself. which i find interesting. I can slightly understand(Relate) maybe totally different but have the same feeling.
You say relax. I find this a bit complicated. just that would the pain not annoy you? or knowing there's blood flowing.

Fair play on quitting, If its anything like i see smokers i can relate and i can see its not easy. Thanks :cool:

[Mortal Coil]

Well, what triggers me: things that remind me of what I've been through, which you only really notice are there after they start affecting you. I cut because it relaxes me. It's the way I keep myself alive. Also, if I'm writing in my skin, it's like an art form, as sick as that sounds. The pain doesn't annoy me, and if there isn't blood flowing then I get annoyed. Without blood, the whole thing just goes down the drain for me.
I do listen to music, but once I've been triggered I can't un-trigger myself, as much as I try.

[Error 404]

It's the way I keep myself alive......
The pain doesn't annoy me, and if there isn't blood flowing then I get annoyed. Without blood, the whole thing just goes down the drain for me.
.

Totally agree.

just that would the pain not annoy you?

Nope.After few first times, i started to actually enjoy it.Same as you would if u "made damage" to the thing you hate.But eventually, it just WASN'T the same feeling, and to get it, had to go deeper and deeper...

You should watch this maybe http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0337961/ but don't expect it to explain pretty much anything.I found it...interesting.

I listen music too...and i agree with the post above.But in other times, it keeps mind busy.

[Jhcx]

Well, what triggers me: things that remind me of what I've been through, which you only really notice are there after they start affecting you. I cut because it relaxes me. It's the way I keep myself alive. Also, if I'm writing in my skin, it's like an art form, as sick as that sounds. The pain doesn't annoy me, and if there isn't blood flowing then I get annoyed. Without blood, the whole thing just goes down the drain for me.
I do listen to music, but once I've been triggered I can't un-trigger myself, as much as I try.

Sounds understandable in that yes i know that memories or reminding ones self of the past can Set off thoughts or actions.
I used to have a close friend who wrote on their selves, seemed like a sign of insanity. It brings a different understanding :) never heard of not seeing blood would upset everything. But its good to get your opinion on it. Thanks :cool:

[Jhcx]

You should watch this maybe http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0337961/ but don't expect it to explain pretty much anything.I found it...interesting.

I listen music too...and i agree with the post above.But in other times, it keeps mind busy.

Dont think i could watch that. I was never comfortable with the body being sliced open. Another something i have yet to try and understand... :mad:
But i have it saved for a future viewing. Thanks

[MemoriesLost]

Physical pain seems to sort of numb emotional pain...... It just...
People always ask me why. I don't have answers.
I don't know.
I just know everything is unbearable without it.

[Crescendo]

For me, I dont know just yet exactly why. One day I thought maybe it was my sexuality and the stress of hiding who I was. Others it was my sisters verbal torment that I thought might be the cause. I recently realized how ANGRY I am ALL THE TIME. Instead of lashing out at others, maybe its me just lashing out at myself? Maybe I just hate them. Just hate them all for sitting back and watching as i fell apart. For letting me bleed. Maybe it's because i need them to watch as I slowly die, and I need them to know that its their fault. That they killed me. Maybe I really just AM in need of attention as many people (my sister, my "friends") tell me. Maybe we hurt ourselves on the outside, to try and kill the thing on the inside. The monster in us all. All I know is, it feels like a hole in my chest. And the deeper the emptiness inside me, the deeper I cut.

[Curio Vergessenheit]

For me the physical pain numbs the emotion pain. I have Manic Depressive Disorder and I have cut myself during both episodes. It's not all too painful and I'm careful about cutting too deep. It's a release as well, releasing anger so I don't develop a gnawing inner rage.

It's a horrible habit that I avoid when possible. However there is an occasional trigger which forces it. I would like to see what you have to say about this, as your viewpoint interests me quite a bit.

[Carly011]

Before i started cutting i did not understand it at all. But then the emotional pain got to painful. I did not know how to handle it. I was severely depressed, i hated myself and felt so alone. Cutting was my way to release the emotional pain, it felt like all that pain would flow out along with the blood. These triggers are things that overwhelm us and give us that urge to release that pain. This is the only way we know how to cope.

Its a VERY hard habit to break. I hate what i do to myself, i hate it i want to stop. But then something happens that i cant handle and urges me to cut again. I am in therapy and i am on medication. Depression is a horrible horrible disease. It is so hard to overcome.

Please don't judge us. We are not happy that we do this to ourselves. We need support and caring. We don't need anyone to judge us, we already get judged because of our scars. I

I have so many scars on my body, both caused by me and not caused by me(heart surgeries and other surgeries). These scars will remind me one day of what i will overcome. One day i wont cut anymore, i am working on it. One day all of these scars will show me just how strong i am.

We are all struggling to overcome a horrible addiction.

[Carly011]

Also, the pain is my relief. It is what helps calm me down. have you ever experienced such a horrible, overwhelming emotional pain? the type where you feel like you are going to explode and your chest tightens up? the kind where you struggle to breathe and all you want to do is cry and scream and die? Well for me this pain is so so much harder to deal with then then physical pain. These emotions also happen from little things, things that dont seem like a big deal to others. The physical pain is a HUGE relief because eventually it will stop. I can control it. My emotional pain is harder to get rid of and i just cant deal with it.

You say your not comfortable with the body being cut open, but what about surgeries. I need heart surgery and i would die without it. It will temporarily fix me until it is time for my next surgery. They must cut my body open to save me.

Cutting is kind of similar to that, for many of us cutting is a way to stop us from killing ourselves. Cutting is what is saving us. Without cutting we may not be here because we cant handle everything. Cutting is a temporary fix until we need it again. Eventually one day hopefully we can stop cutting and be able to be "healthy" on our own.

I have listend to music, but to me it just hurts me more. When i am in a deep depression nothing but cutting pulls me out. Music can do a lot of things ,but it cant cure depression or stop cutting

[Jhcx]

Also, the pain is my relief. It is what helps calm me down. have you ever experienced such a horrible, overwhelming emotional pain? the type where you feel like you are going to explode and your chest tightens up? the kind where you struggle to breathe and all you want to do is cry and scream and die? Well for me this pain is so so much harder to deal with then then physical pain. These emotions also happen from little things, things that dont seem like a big deal to others. The physical pain is a HUGE relief because eventually it will stop. I can control it. My emotional pain is harder to get rid of and i just cant deal with it.

You say your not comfortable with the body being cut open, but what about surgeries. I need heart surgery and i would die without it. It will temporarily fix me until it is time for my next surgery. They must cut my body open to save me.

Cutting is kind of similar to that, for many of us cutting is a way to stop us from killing ourselves. Cutting is what is saving us. Without cutting we may not be here because we cant handle everything. Cutting is a temporary fix until we need it again. Eventually one day hopefully we can stop cutting and be able to be "healthy" on our own.

I have listend to music, but to me it just hurts me more. When i am in a deep depression nothing but cutting pulls me out. Music can do a lot of things ,but it cant cure depression or stop cutting

Sorry been a long day only getting to reply now. I was speaking to a counselour today who gave me a leaflet about self harm she just laughed cause it was by chance she brought it. :). But reading yer posts ye all have one thing in common that is to release the pain.To escape to distract you from what is really happening. As i said in my first post i think, I will never understand the full extent of the pain you suffer. My pain is nothing. Yes ive had a hard up bringing but theres others worse out there. I dont know if i can compare but when something does go wrong from me i just let go. I do stupid things just because i dont want to deal with the agenda at hand. Even right now i just simply want to die drop dead because theres too much stress and too many thoughts in my head and i dont know where to go. But in saying all that i cant turn to cutting myself. its rather i die instant or i dont do anything to me. Although my ear drums suffer:( . I just cant understand the idea of cutting. Why your the target. Im sorry to hear you had heart surgeries. I myself spent my first year in hospital. and have been to hospital many occasion, Just like you I have my scars a one running along my arm and one less finger. The scars to remind me im lucky to be alive. i also had a cage on my arm which has now left me with more scars than i like but scars are scars given to us,there their and we have to live with them. they close never to be opened again but to remind us of our battles. I dont think one should be intentionally making scars Nature and life should be giving them to you. (IMO)

You ask me about surgeries. I make sure im asleep before i go in. I have 6 metal rods running though my arm. one of those fell out, i passed out, I can just about stand my blood on a large scale. oh, contradicting i do watch Greys anatomy and stuff but sounds are disturbing. squishy.

If music doesn't work what about a shower. hot or cold just drown yourself in it(not like drown if you get me) Stress is my weakest point. Cant deal with it. but a cold shower normally brings me back to reality or a just over burning hot. just sitting in the shower for 40 minutes just forgetting. letting the world go on with out me. would anything like that help. If you get me i just dont want to cut themselves when there is other alternatives. i cant make anyone choose its your life i live my own but i have to give my opinion to understand.

Thanks for your posts their more than welcome. :)

[Carly011]

The only thing is cutting is addictive....just like a drug. it is very very hard to quit. Its not something i WANT to do. And when someone is depressed they dont just let things go. They blame themselves and beat themselves up over it. When something goes wrong it crushes me and i feel like it is all my fault and i hate myself over it. Depression is a cycle of continues negative thoughts. Thoughts saying "your not good enough, your a loser, you should go die, your fat, your a failure, you deserve pain, your a horrible person" So when seemingly little things happen to us it rips us apart, we can't help it. We just cant let it go. That is how it is for me, and many other people. Yes there are other alternatives but nothing that gives the same feeling and quick release like cutting. A shower doesnt do it for me either. Once you start cutting nothing else compares to it. Its a horrible habit, and most of us do try to stop at some point and many succeed. But it is hard. So hard. At this moment i am not ready to quit...i want to but i know i would fail. My therapist knows i cut, we are working on it. She doesnt even tell me to quit yet because i have no other coping skills and i would fail. I first need to work on my self esteem and coping skills.

Depression and cutting is something i wish no one had to deal. My heart problems, i can deal with. The horrible horrible depression is something i dont even want to deal with. Its a pain worse then anything i can imagine. Can you imagine living a life where every day you feel alone, where you feel like no one cares, that your a loser, fat, gross, stupid, that you are a failure, cant do anything right, where you would be better of dead because no one would notice, where you feel like all you do is bring disappoinment and sadness to others, where you are ashamed of yourself. A life where you hate yourself so much and that you are disgusted with yourself. I life where you dont even want to look in the mirror or think about yourself because your to ashamed? That is the life i live. This is the life many of us live. The cuts not only show our pain, they release it. Those cuts on our arms are cries for help, they are a symbol of how much pain we are going through. And to often people dont notice. Which just throws us deeper into it. The cuts are a small scarfice for a few moment of peace.

What we need is not judgement, but compassion. We don't want to do this. Many of us cut so that we live. If we did not cut many of us might kill ourselves. This is the scarifice we make so that we can stay alive.

[Jhcx]

The only thing is cutting is addictive....just like a drug. it is very very hard to quit. Its not something i WANT to do. And when someone is depressed they dont just let things go. They blame themselves and beat themselves up over it. When something goes wrong it crushes me and i feel like it is all my fault and i hate myself over it. Depression is a cycle of continues negative thoughts. Thoughts saying "your not good enough, your a loser, you should go die, your fat, your a failure, you deserve pain, your a horrible person" So when seemingly little things happen to us it rips us apart, we can't help it. We just cant let it go. That is how it is for me, and many other people. Yes there are other alternatives but nothing that gives the same feeling and quick release like cutting. A shower doesnt do it for me either. Once you start cutting nothing else compares to it. Its a horrible habit, and most of us do try to stop at some point and many succeed. But it is hard. So hard. At this moment i am not ready to quit...i want to but i know i would fail. My therapist knows i cut, we are working on it. She doesnt even tell me to quit yet because i have no other coping skills and i would fail. I first need to work on my self esteem and coping skills.

Depression and cutting is something i wish no one had to deal. My heart problems, i can deal with. The horrible horrible depression is something i dont even want to deal with. Its a pain worse then anything i can imagine. Can you imagine living a life where every day you feel alone, where you feel like no one cares, that your a loser, fat, gross, stupid, that you are a failure, cant do anything right, where you would be better of dead because no one would notice, where you feel like all you do is bring disappoinment and sadness to others, where you are ashamed of yourself. A life where you hate yourself so much and that you are disgusted with yourself. I life where you dont even want to look in the mirror or think about yourself because your to ashamed? That is the life i live. This is the life many of us live. The cuts not only show our pain, they release it. Those cuts on our arms are cries for help, they are a symbol of how much pain we are going through. And to often people dont notice. Which just throws us deeper into it. The cuts are a small scarfice for a few moment of peace.

What we need is not judgement, but compassion. We don't want to do this. Many of us cut so that we live. If we did not cut many of us might kill ourselves. This is the scarifice we make so that we can stay alive.

Thanks. It sheds more light so i can understand a little more. Just so you know im not judging. Adding it all up i analyse it to see where i stand in all this mess. I see your points and reading it and sitting in the same space for the past 7 hours i feel like im spoil't. Theres too sides to me that even i cant understand. let alone trying to understand this whole post. Thats if i even get the chance to. If i can give any advice even if its been said your not alone. I may not be fat, i may not be stupid i may not be any of the things you mentioned. But when im on my own im not the person my friends or family see me. anyway thats not the point the point is for me to understand. Thanks for your post made me think question myself and certain things i'd just prefer in a perfect world to know that teenagers arent cutting themselves in order to escape.

[Carly011]

I would prefer a world like that also :) At least you are trying to understand and not just judging like a lot of people do. I really appreciate that, and i am sure others do to. :D

And yes its a very hard thing to understand unless you have done it. I hope you never ever fully understand it, because to do that you would have to be a cutter. I hope you never are one. I am GLAD you dont understand and don't want people to do it. Hopefully that will keep you from ever doing it :)

And even if you don't cut, we are all here to help if you ever need someone to talk to

[RazorTourniquet]

I self harm to feel real. It's like the onr thing that distracts me of my numbness.

[Truth]

It is because as a teenager, people just don't have very many ways of expressing themselves. Then they decide to try out cutting because it seems like it might help; and as it releases chemicals in the brain giving them a "high", they start to like it... it becomes a habit, and they use it to ignore any problem that comes along.

[danny7]

music? yes. my best friend became emo, and bi, and now found out she has bipolar depression all cuz of THE BEST band ever, Black Veil Brides.I love that band too, and i am also emo, and bi, so maybe that is why we r such good friends,but yes music has alot of influence on behaivor but it also has to do with our past cuz she was abused when she was little and i am sometimes too, so we dont do this cuz we want to.