I was about to end it.

[Aceso]

So tonight I kind of cracked. I'm not sure why, just everything built up and got too much.
It got to the point where I was about to commit suicide. I'll not go into details but I had the blade to my skin. I think I would have done it if my friend hadn't called me. He didn't know the extent of what I was about to do but he knew I was in danger.
But I feel like I'm bringing him down. I can't talk to anyone else, at all, and I feel like I'm nothing but trouble for him. I feel like he'd be better if I just left him, that way I wouldn't hurt him. He says it's no trouble but I know it is, he just doesn't want me to feel bad. I'm terrified if I rely on him too much I will push him away. I don't know what to do anymore. How can I tell him I was five seconds away from slitting my throat? I hadn't cut or purged in at least a month, and I've ruined it all. I was purging to the point of blood and I hadn't even had anything to eat - I had just been drinking water so I could purge it.
I don't want to hurt him because of my selfishness, he has his own difficulties and I should be helping him too. I don't want to turn into the kind of person that constantly causes him trouble, he's too good for that. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves so much better than me coming whining to him. I feel so guilty, I do nothing for him, and all he does is give to me. All I've ever received from him is kindness, tolerance and support that I honestly don't deserve.
I don't know what to do, I can't tell anyone professional about this or any previous attempts, as I fear they will put me in hospital again. It would break my parents hearts and disrupt my whole family, and I couldn't do that to them. I just feel exhausted. I haven't eaten anything since monday and I have exams next week. I haven't been in school for three months and if you read my previous thread here you will see that more in depth.
I can't cope any more. Please, does anyone have advice with how to deal with this situation? I just need some help, I can't go on feeling like this, something has to change.

[Jupiter]

That's so amazing that your friend called just at the right time. <3

If he is that friend that is there, and that you tell everything, you are able to really tell him everything. You must let him in, and have that friend that you CAN rely on. I know that you know better than to push the help away.

If you fear that you will end in the hospital, maybe that's what you need. to be honest, it really sounds like you should at least try to get help. I am not pusing you to do anyhting you are not ready for.

PM me if you ever wanna talk.

[Aceso]

That's so amazing that your friend called just at the right time. <3

If he is that friend that is there, and that you tell everything, you are able to really tell him everything. You must let him in, and have that friend that you CAN rely on. I know that you know better than to push the help away.

If you fear that you will end in the hospital, maybe that's what you need. to be honest, it really sounds like you should at least try to get help. I am not pusing you to do anyhting you are not ready for.

PM me if you ever wanna talk.

Hey, thanks for your reply.
Yeah, he was pretty amazing really. I was talking to him while it was kinda building up, I just stopped replying when I got to this point, and that's when he called.
I know he'll stay, and I can tell him everything, but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty. He knows me pretty much inside out, more than anyone else I'd say, and he understands me the best too - he's always there when I need him. But like I said, I don't think it's fair that I should lay this all onto him, it's selfish and I fear it is destructive to him too - it's not fair for him to be kind to me and just let himself take the fall for my sake.

I've been in a Mental health unit before, around this time last year actually. Considering from what I got from it last time, it'd be the worst place for me to be as there are no psychiatrists, counselors, psychologists, or anything there to give support. All the place was is basically a unit where you were under surveillance and take your freedom away, and that is really not what I need.
I'm currently under CAMHS help, which is helping. Ish. I see her once every couple of weeks or so, and she is good. I can tell her everything. Apart from when I attempt suicide. I can tell her I feel suicidal, but for some reason I can't utter the words out that yet again I was minutes away from destroying myself.
Agh, I'm such a mess. You made a lot of sense though, so thank you <3

[panpod]

Maby try texting him I fined it ez the text my words then to say them