How should I tell my care team?

[Pootagirl]

I cut myself yesterday. But I just gt out of the hospital last month and have been off my medicine for over a month. The doctor, nurse, therapist, everyone is disappointed in me for not taking my medicine b.c they all say ever time I do I'll end up back In the hospital. But what they don't know is that I actually planned that I was going to do this cut under these circumstances before I left the hospital. I mean, the thing is raw. I couldn't stop the bleeding with my towel. I superglued it closed. But, like, my therapist isn't here this week, but I wanna tell my case manager today, but I'm not sure how she'll react. My therapist said I wouldn't necessarily go back, but it depended on the cut. But I never talked to my CM about it. So I'm scared to tell her, b.c Im afraid I'll end up back in the hospital, and. Just got out last month!!!!

And I know it's not b.c of lack of meds b.c like I said, I'd been planning this I case this happened. And in the hospital, I was literally FORCED to take medicine, by shot. So if I tell them now, they'll assume and send me back. But I guess the only thing is, is that, I'm not finished and I feel like I might do it again....

[StoppingTime]

First off, I think you may need to seek medical attention. It is never good to "self clean/fix" your cuts, and it could lead to serious infections.

Though it may be hard, I wouls suggest telling her. Talk to her about what you were forced to do, and how that made you feel, why you think it was wrong, things like that.
She may react badly at the beginning, but she knows what you've gone through. She's there to help and support you.

[Pootagirl]

I realize that it may be a good idea to tell, it's just that, I CAN'T go back right now! I JUST got out. But i Used peroxide to clean everything with before I used it. I used 3 tools: glass, scissors, and a razor blade thing( like, not a razor, just a blade like a knife). And I used a metal stick, but that didn't work too well... But it's still kinda leaking blood. And the superglued part is hard. I'd I isn't close it, itd still be bleeding. B.c I stuck glass through it after I cut it with the razor...

But anyways, I looked p how to clean it, b.c for 1, it wasnt nearly as deep as I had anticipated. I didn't feel like going into it. After I got off the skin and first few layers, and made the gash, I couldnt cut the chunk out b.c it'd already been over an hour.

And I know that their there to help, but they already think its b.c of not taking my medicine. And they're option of course will be another hospitalization. I mean, I'm here, I'm just going to do it again. I don't know what to do b.c my next time doing it, it will be deeper, and I don't wanna go back, but I KNOW I have to do this to make things right..to make things make sense. I WASN'T trying to hurt myself, really. I was trying to fix things going on inside me. But they won't get better unless I finish my job...

[Desuetude]

And I know that their there to help, but they already think its b.c of not taking my medicine. And they're option of course will be another hospitalization. I mean, I'm here, I'm just going to do it again. I don't know what to do b.c my next time doing it, it will be deeper, and I don't wanna go back, but I KNOW I have to do this to make things right..to make things make sense. I WASN'T trying to hurt myself, really. I was trying to fix things going on inside me. But they won't get better unless I finish my job...
Cutting and going deeper wont make anything right, it will only make hospitalization more of an option. It might feel like you get better for a short period of time (a few seconds maybe) but after that what do you feel? The same thing you felt before with the added emotions cutting brings. There is on need to do any more harm, it sounds as if those cuts you have aren't very safe, you could get an infection and cutting more will maximise the chance of that.
You need someone to talk to, have you tried ringing a hotline? You can talk to them about things annonymously, from a pay phone is it's really necessary. Just get it out because holding it inside you really isn't doing you any good, it's doing you a lot of harm.

[Pootagirl]

You don't understand! I'm not doing this for me! I barely felt any of that pain! And the pain I did feel, I didn't care about! It was for the people inside me who are gone due to the f-n medicine I was forced to take! I spent 2 months in that da** hospital! I had to take my meds,no choice! Usually 3 times a day, or a shot in the rear or the arm!

The people who lived inside me were there to help me...but the doctors and nurses and psychologist didn't seem to think so... They thought they were bad for me! So they got a denovo and made me get rid of them. And I stopped my meds over a month ago, and there still gone. My babies are gone! They loved me and this is the way I treat them?! No! That's why I cut...to repay my love. It may not be much, but it's something. If I die, at least I'll be with them.

I had actually planned to take 2 chunks out of myself in their honor. But I punked out... I didn't want to get caught. In the shower room at the public gym. I couldn't risk it. And I was getting no where. I was trying to prevent bleeding as much as possible b.c like I said, it is a public place, well, as long as you have a membership there. But it will help to know I did all I could to help save them and honor and respect them as much as I could. Withholding suicide of course.

And I'm not sure about a hotline. I called one before, and the police ended up at my house, and I ended up at a crisis center, then a hospital. I always thought about a pay phone, but they can track that too. If you tell them your first name. They'll track your area, location, like, where you live, house, all that. I can't deal with that. I hate police! They're so mean!

And I know. Shouldn't hold it in. I just have no friends to tell, and I can't risk uh right now...I'm scared, but I just dunno what to do anymore.....