I feel so guilty.

[Aceso]

I have a younger brother. He is 10 years old.
Last year, he had to experience me and my mother both going crazy. He had to sit and cuddle with me while we could hear mum screaming, crying, smashing stuff up in the other rooms.
He had to witness me go to hospital multiple times, weather it was bleeding at 1am or unconscious because of overdose. He had to cope with me going in and out of a mental health clinic at the same time as my parents splitting.
I should have fucking been there for him. I should have been a strong big sister for him, and shielded him from this brutality. But I wasn't, I was the weak one.
He shouldn't have had to know about my secrets, he's too young. He deserves so much better than me. I don't want him to see how ugly this world is, especially from someone he looks him. He's my little baby brother, no matter how old he gets, I'll always see him like that and I love him so much.
I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm better, I know he doesn't know that I still regularly self harm. I've been cut free for a while now, but I've purged pretty recently. I've also taken to starving, just so no one can see. Nobody sees anymore, not the little breakdowns at 2am, or the hours I spend sitting with my blade mentally battling and fighting against urges to simply destroy myself.
I'm not even sure if I'm bottling it up anymore or I'm just dealing with it better at each wave, but it's always there, and I know, I just know, that I'll relapse sometime soon. I don't know when, I havent made plans or anything, but I'm always constantly stuck in a battle between recovery and continuing the way I was.
I just don't want to be guilty anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

[CherryQ]

I'm sorry you feel that way. You sound like a great sister to care for him so much. And it isn't your fault. People get sick and people hurt, and you're not to blame for that. It also sounds like you're trying really hard to get better, which is wonderful. Things are tough for you. But don't say you're weak. You sound very, very strong. Best of luck. I know these things are hard. I've dealt with anorexia, bulimia, and cutting over the last few years, so I know how you're feeling. I'm here if you need anything :)
And I'm sure your brother is not upset with you at all. I think he just wants you to be better so you can be happy because he loves you.

[StoppingTime]

There is no reason for you to live in the past. Sure, there are things you could of done differently, as could your mother. But that's no reason to feel guilty for the rest of your life.
We carry mistakes with us forever, but we have to be strong enough to let go of their meaning. Now, you have that opportunity again. Be there for your brother. He isn't upset with you. He understands how hard things have been for you.
There is no reason to punish yourself by starving. It will never lead to anything good, and can cause serious serious problems. Think of what would happen to your brother of he found out about that too. Don't feel guilty, just work towards success.
You seem to be doing good on not cutting, which is a big accomplishment. Prove to yourself that you can stay clean, and do the things you wanted to do before.

[Aceso]

It's not just that, he's the best brother I could ask for and has coped with everything fantastically. We have a very good relationship I think.
I just feel that if I wasn't here none of this would have happened. Before Mum snapped, she made a diary on the computer. I only found it after she moved out, and it said how tired she felt and how depressed she was because she was always looking after me and couldn't do anything else. I can't get over that.
I feel so damn guilty just because I know things would be different if it weren't for me and all my fucking troubles.
I'm honestly trying not to do anything more, for my families sake. Thank you so much for your support guys, I really need it right now <3

[Truth]

It's not just that, he's the best brother I could ask for and has coped with everything fantastically. We have a very good relationship I think.
I just feel that if I wasn't here none of this would have happened. Before Mum snapped, she made a diary on the computer. I only found it after she moved out, and it said how tired she felt and how depressed she was because she was always looking after me and couldn't do anything else. I can't get over that.
I feel so damn guilty just because I know things would be different if it weren't for me and all my fucking troubles.
I'm honestly trying not to do anything more, for my families sake. Thank you so much for your support guys, I really need it right now <3 You can't change the past. Nothing that happened in the past was your fault, you were still too young to react to those problems yourself.

All you can do is try your best to make it up to your little brother in the future. I'd say that just by not cutting and being there for him when he's down, it'll make all the difference. You're not a bad sister, trust me. :D