Aceso
April 24th, 2012, 07:57 PM
Okay, so I don't really know what's going on anymore.
I pulled out of school temporarily at the start of term, partly because of depression, stress and purging. I'd collapsed not long before this due to a combination of excessive purging and diabetic ketoacidosis, and a couple of weeks before I'd been admitted into A&E due to an overdose.
I thought everything would be okay, I could sort myself out. I kept in contact with my friends, got out and balanced my lifestyle out so that I could be normal and happy.
It was all going fine until a month ago or something. I don't know, I hadn't seen my friends and I thought I'd pull something together. I'd heard my friends were going out for the evening, so one of them invited me. I thought it'd be cool, so I brought another down to london as well. Good, normal plan right?
Well the night before, the friend that had invited me told me that we'd both been uninvited by the rest of the group. No reason, we just weren't allowed to come. I was kinda upset, but some other friends said it would be still alright if we went. So I did. I waited 3 hours for them, with my friend from london and the one that had invited me. I called all of them, and no one picked up.
As it turns out, they'd changed the times thrice so they wouldn't bump into me. They'd had a great time without me, and claimed to not have any credit, which is bullshit because someone told me they had borrowed their phones. When I brought it up with another they said they didn't even know I was supposed to be there. I don't know what hurts more, that they don't want me or they don't even care.
On top of that my best friend was supposed to be coming down to see me last weekend. She didn't. For the third time this year, she 'forgot' or 'got the dates mixed up'. She hasn't spoken to me properly since last year, and she's always annoyed with me. To top it all off with the friend situation, after that I just cut myself off completely. I didn't start conversations anymore and I didn't go out with them, and even my closer friends got annoyed with me. The one from london has an eating disorder, and she took an overdose the other day. I spent hours trying to get her help, and she lied to me and everyone and rejected it. I haven't spoken to her since, I'd just tried my hardest and I couldn't cope, yet somehow I feel the bad guy.
Then along with this there is family. My mum still deals with stress badly, and seeing me upset sets her off. We're not rich, and money is occasionally tight, as it has been this month. My brother had just got some new wheel for his skating, and mum didn't know. I thought she did, so I unintentionally dropped dad in it, while asking for something. I think it was their 20 year anniversary, and dad had planned a surprise meal however he had said they couldn't afford one to mum so she didn't know. Of course she exploded, said we were spoilt and we all lied to her, and it was all my fault and I was selfish. I couldn't really take it and I tried so hard not to self harm, so I went for a walk. I came back at something like 1am, and I heard them saying how because of me my brother didn't always get what he deserved, and it was my fault mum couldn't work, hence the financial difficulties if we're not careful.
I just feel so guilty for everything now, I have no idea what to do.
I go back to school next week, straight into exams. All I've done this past two months is study but yet I seem so behind still, and I don't know how I'm going to go back to a room of hundreds of unfriendly faces. I don't even understand what I've done, but I just feel so incredibly alone. I just feel like I'd rather be at home and work there, which has been better than in school.
I guess the upside is that my diabetes has improved incredibly, it's the best it's ever been in about 4 years. I'm sleeping a lot more soundly too, and I AM coping with things better - I haven't cut since I've been pulled out of school and I've only purged occasionally. I still feel very shitty though, about 3 or 4 times a week I still find myself completely utterly depressed. I'm fighting a mental battle between self harming/purging/starving and working my hardest and proving everyone wrong. I'm constantly telling myself I'm not good enough, I don't feel adequate, I'm just a hinderance to everyone. But at the same time I want to succeed - I want to be fit and healthy, get good grades, and be happy just to show people I can do it. It frustrates me that I can't snap out of this.
The only thing that has been keeping me sane the past month has been my friend, let's call him W. He's been making sure I'm alright every day and is always there to keep me going, and frankly I think I'd either be in hospital again or in a far worse place than I am right now. He's pretty much the only thing that's been keeping me going and in the right direction.
I don't know what to do, everything is so fucked up right now. Mum says if the worst comes the worst, I could pull out of school completely, but the thing is that I know I can't afford to lose out on my education. I'm in my first year of my GCSE's, so right now I can just about keep everything together with the resources I have, but if I pulled out I think for my A-levels it would be ridiculous to even try and teach myself at home. I'm putting my education first right now, not my emotional welfare simply because it's the most important long term...I just don't know what to do.
Sorry for the rant, I'm just stuck in a really difficult place right now. Any thoughts/advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
I pulled out of school temporarily at the start of term, partly because of depression, stress and purging. I'd collapsed not long before this due to a combination of excessive purging and diabetic ketoacidosis, and a couple of weeks before I'd been admitted into A&E due to an overdose.
I thought everything would be okay, I could sort myself out. I kept in contact with my friends, got out and balanced my lifestyle out so that I could be normal and happy.
It was all going fine until a month ago or something. I don't know, I hadn't seen my friends and I thought I'd pull something together. I'd heard my friends were going out for the evening, so one of them invited me. I thought it'd be cool, so I brought another down to london as well. Good, normal plan right?
Well the night before, the friend that had invited me told me that we'd both been uninvited by the rest of the group. No reason, we just weren't allowed to come. I was kinda upset, but some other friends said it would be still alright if we went. So I did. I waited 3 hours for them, with my friend from london and the one that had invited me. I called all of them, and no one picked up.
As it turns out, they'd changed the times thrice so they wouldn't bump into me. They'd had a great time without me, and claimed to not have any credit, which is bullshit because someone told me they had borrowed their phones. When I brought it up with another they said they didn't even know I was supposed to be there. I don't know what hurts more, that they don't want me or they don't even care.
On top of that my best friend was supposed to be coming down to see me last weekend. She didn't. For the third time this year, she 'forgot' or 'got the dates mixed up'. She hasn't spoken to me properly since last year, and she's always annoyed with me. To top it all off with the friend situation, after that I just cut myself off completely. I didn't start conversations anymore and I didn't go out with them, and even my closer friends got annoyed with me. The one from london has an eating disorder, and she took an overdose the other day. I spent hours trying to get her help, and she lied to me and everyone and rejected it. I haven't spoken to her since, I'd just tried my hardest and I couldn't cope, yet somehow I feel the bad guy.
Then along with this there is family. My mum still deals with stress badly, and seeing me upset sets her off. We're not rich, and money is occasionally tight, as it has been this month. My brother had just got some new wheel for his skating, and mum didn't know. I thought she did, so I unintentionally dropped dad in it, while asking for something. I think it was their 20 year anniversary, and dad had planned a surprise meal however he had said they couldn't afford one to mum so she didn't know. Of course she exploded, said we were spoilt and we all lied to her, and it was all my fault and I was selfish. I couldn't really take it and I tried so hard not to self harm, so I went for a walk. I came back at something like 1am, and I heard them saying how because of me my brother didn't always get what he deserved, and it was my fault mum couldn't work, hence the financial difficulties if we're not careful.
I just feel so guilty for everything now, I have no idea what to do.
I go back to school next week, straight into exams. All I've done this past two months is study but yet I seem so behind still, and I don't know how I'm going to go back to a room of hundreds of unfriendly faces. I don't even understand what I've done, but I just feel so incredibly alone. I just feel like I'd rather be at home and work there, which has been better than in school.
I guess the upside is that my diabetes has improved incredibly, it's the best it's ever been in about 4 years. I'm sleeping a lot more soundly too, and I AM coping with things better - I haven't cut since I've been pulled out of school and I've only purged occasionally. I still feel very shitty though, about 3 or 4 times a week I still find myself completely utterly depressed. I'm fighting a mental battle between self harming/purging/starving and working my hardest and proving everyone wrong. I'm constantly telling myself I'm not good enough, I don't feel adequate, I'm just a hinderance to everyone. But at the same time I want to succeed - I want to be fit and healthy, get good grades, and be happy just to show people I can do it. It frustrates me that I can't snap out of this.
The only thing that has been keeping me sane the past month has been my friend, let's call him W. He's been making sure I'm alright every day and is always there to keep me going, and frankly I think I'd either be in hospital again or in a far worse place than I am right now. He's pretty much the only thing that's been keeping me going and in the right direction.
I don't know what to do, everything is so fucked up right now. Mum says if the worst comes the worst, I could pull out of school completely, but the thing is that I know I can't afford to lose out on my education. I'm in my first year of my GCSE's, so right now I can just about keep everything together with the resources I have, but if I pulled out I think for my A-levels it would be ridiculous to even try and teach myself at home. I'm putting my education first right now, not my emotional welfare simply because it's the most important long term...I just don't know what to do.
Sorry for the rant, I'm just stuck in a really difficult place right now. Any thoughts/advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks