Ruined

[Lost997]

I only have 2 real friends left and I love them so much without them I really think I would be completely insane, there are a few things they dont know but they dont judge me at all, but I think I completely ruined it because I get so paranoid and I always think the whole world is against me and I caused a completely unneccassary arguement and I showed a really bitchy side of myself, I think I upset one of them because I always dump on the person and I guess the person got fed up, its aparrently ok now but I think I ruined it between the 3 us and i dont think they like me much anymore, I hate how I ruin everything, I really cant get anything right, i can see that im completely isolationg myself at times from people who know about because I cant bear to think about how they now see me.......when I cut I feel sooo stupid after and I want someone to have a go at me and be angry because I feel like I deserve it, so I tell someone who does know about it in hopes they do get angry but they dont...all I want is for someone to say they care and love me because I feel like no one gives two craps about me, its like oh dont worry it'll be okay, I guess what I really want is for my real dad to love me because even after he sexually abused me I still loved him and he rejected me then my mum got a boyfriend who hated me and used to beat me up and throw me down th stairs and was a complete drunk and now my mum has remmarried andall my parents do is argue and fight and leave me to look after the kids whilst they storm out..its like no one ever took into consideration about how i feel I have NO CONTROL over anything at all apart from cutting, that is the pain I CAN control and if I hurt me then no one else can, sometimes I feel so stuck that I almost believe its all a dream so I cut just to feel and know im alive and theres times when I feel nothing at all just complete emptiness which makes me think how cold hearted I must be, I m always afraid that Im not perfect because I feel so fat and ugly which makes me hate myself more, I feel like everyone is pressuring me to be what they want me to be, to be moulded into there mindset and to do as they please, I cant please anyone I never could...Im sorry its all a blur and mixed up I just wanted to take a load off..................xxx

[Desuetude]

I only have 2 real friends left and I love them so much without them I really think I would be completely insane, there are a few things they dont know but they dont judge me at all.
That is great that you have someone like that. 2 people that you can talk to about anything and that will listen to you without judging you. Please use this to your advantage because they really could help you a lot if only you opened up to them.
but I think I completely ruined it because I get so paranoid and I always think the whole world is against me and I caused a completely unneccassary arguement and I showed a really bitchy side of myself, I think I upset one of them because I always dump on the person and I guess the person got fed up, its aparrently ok now but I think I ruined it between the 3 us and i dont think they like me much anymore.
You need to remember that they do care about you and want you to be happy. If they didn't then they wouldn't listen to you or try to help when you need it. Sometimes it can be hard if you're always talking to one person because you can put a lot of weight on their sholders but they are your friends and they are there for you. Try returning the favour and listening to anything they need to get of their chests.
I hate how I ruin everything, I really cant get anything right, i can see that im completely isolationg myself at times from people who know about because I cant bear to think about how they now see me.......
You do not ruin everything. Please don't think so badly of yourself. If you ruined everything you would have absolutely nothing, no friends, nothing. Sometimes isolating yourself is a defence mechanism, we comepletely shut down so as not to hurt ourselves and the people we care about. You just need to remember that they wont judge you and they will always be there for you. You just need to let them in so they can help you.
when I cut I feel sooo stupid after and I want someone to have a go at me and be angry because I feel like I deserve it, so I tell someone who does know about it in hopes they do get angry but they dont...
You do not deserve it, not even in the smallest little bit. No one will get angry at you because they only want what's best for you and getting angry at someone that is hurting so much will do nothing but cause more pain. I think you could be wanting them to get angry because you don't feel as though you deserve them? So that you'll have a reason for them to hate you? Have some more faith in people because you deserve to be helped and looked after.
all I want is for someone to say they care and love me because I feel like no one gives two craps about me, its like oh dont worry it'll be okay, I guess what I really want is for my real dad to love me because even after he sexually abused me I still loved him and he rejected me then my mum got a boyfriend who hated me and used to beat me up and throw me down th stairs and was a complete drunk and now my mum has remmarried andall my parents do is argue and fight and leave me to look after the kids whilst they storm out..
Maybe if you let people in they might be able to see that this is what you want? I have already replyed in that thread about you Dad so you'll know what I think about him. You don't need his love and affection to feel as though you matter. Of course you matter, I bet you matter to many people and they just don't show it. You'll have people that care for you and don't hurt you, not on purpose anyway. Could you try talking to your mum, tell her how you feel about her and the fighting because if people don't know how you're feeling then the situation can not be changed.
its like no one ever took into consideration about how i feel I have NO CONTROL over anything at all apart from cutting, that is the pain I CAN control and if I hurt me then no one else can, sometimes I feel so stuck that I almost believe its all a dream so I cut just to feel and know im alive and theres times when I feel nothing at all just complete emptiness which makes me think how cold hearted I must be,
No you're not cold hearted. People cut for so many different reasons but emtiness and to feel something other than the emotional pain is one reason that you will run into a lot. You're not alone with what you're feeling. Being able to have control over it is also something you will run into a lot. However what do you think happens when you become addicted and it isn't just something you can switch on and off, you crave being able to cut, what control do you have over it then?
I'm always afraid that Im not perfect because I feel so fat and ugly which makes me hate myself more, I feel like everyone is pressuring me to be what they want me to be, to be moulded into there mindset and to do as they please, I cant please anyone I never could...Im sorry its all a blur and mixed up I just wanted to take a load off..................xxx
No one is perfect and our defenition of perfect is messed up anyway. Everyone makes mistakes, you will never find anyone who throught their whole life has been faultless. I know what it's like for people to want you to be something you're not. Well you know what... stuff what they think. All you have to be is you, if they have a problem with that then tough luck. You're going to have to live with yourself and the decisions you make so the best way to get through life is to do what you think is right. Whether it is or not is all part of growing up, you'll never always pick the right options. You don't have to please anyone apart from yourself, as long as you're happy with what you're doing then people should be able to accept that and move on.

It's good that you were able to get it all out. Sometimes it just feels like it's all too much and comes out in a random over all over the place but that's okay as well.

I'm here if you ever need someone to talk or rant to. I know it is hard at the moment but you can only hope and believe things will get better. Keep the people you care about close to you and don't let go because you are so lucky to have each other. :hug: