Noxail
April 22nd, 2012, 12:10 AM
I know for a fact that my stress, lack of sleep, and depression end up to servere panic attacks. And I can feel one comming on now. I'm hoping to ride it out on here, or reading, then maybe I'll be so wiped out that I can catch some Z's. I know I'm depressed beyond compare, and no matter how I con everyone else into believing it, I know I'm not getting better. I feel... broken. Just used. Thrown away. And I really don't think I can take much more of this. My (Amazing, wonderful, fantasic) boyfriend is my lifeline. He can normally hold me together and he keeps me firmly planted in the world of the sane. And I know he loves me. So why am I doubting him? Why do I feel like I'm cheating him into buying somthing he doesn't want? I know that my (non-exisitant) self-esteem is comming into play here, but I still feel like it's phyically impossible for someone to love me, or care for me, simply because I've been told that. I cannot begin to understand why he even wants me around. To put it simply, I come with my own boat load of unsolved issues and hurt feelings, so why doesn't he choose someone else?? It puzzles me, and I just can't get it. I feel so clingy and dramatic, because I should be able to deal with my problems alone. But I can't. I depend on someone else fully, and I feel like such a bother. Somtimes just snuffing myself out seems like the best way to go. Then I won't bother anyone anymore, and this fucking hell will end. No one else wll have to deal with me, and my melodrama can come to a screeching halt. But I'm just sitting here, running back and forth, arguing both sides, trying to go ahead and get it over with, and trying to stay alive solely for the three people I know will miss me. I don't know, but I really need some really, really, hot tea right now. So this ends my ranting for tonight folks. Come again tommorow night for our 'family problems' special. Stay Sarcastic *It might keep you sane* ~Holli