Why am I alive?

[canadaski]

Why does everyone keep lying to me? Everybody says it will get better, that people love me, and that I have lots to live for. It's all bullshit.

I don't feel like "why can't I fell happy?" so much as "why can't there be a reason to feel happy?" I am currently seeing a therapist and have seen a psychiatrist. The more I heal and help myself, the more I realize I have absolutely nothing to live for.

I have the worst family life. I hate my mom, and tell her that. She asks me why I hate her, I tell her because she makes me feel bad all of the time. She always tries to tell me what I should be like and how I don't measure up. She tells me she understands and that she's trying to help but she just makes me get angry and cry. She brings up all of the bad memories I have of her and they drown out good things that may have happened at some point. She blames her shit life on me. I don't want to hate her but I do; even with all the shit in the past I didn't always hate her. I want to have a good standing with her but she won't ever change.

I'm doing terribly in school and failed english class last semester and am barely hanging onto the courses I have this semester. 40's 50's and one 77 are my course marks. I keep looking for distractions in class because I think about life and then I focus even less in class.

The only thing that has kept me alive the last 6 months is my love for a friend of mine (guy). He's such a good person that I am afraid to miss out on one second of being with him. If there ever was a time I could be with him, I feel it would make everything better. At my lowest points I cope by thinking about him and repeating "I love you NAME, NAME I love you" under my breath. I don't think he knows how I feel, or about my sexuality. If I lose him as a friend, I really would have nothing.

Out of everything, whis is this "love for someone that probably doesn't love me back" the thing that I'm clinging on to life with? What is something real that I can do to make things better? Medication or bullshit won't make things better.

[Thunduhbuhlt]

Well first, You are alive because your parents has sex. (Just trying to get you to smile :P)

And you should never hate your mom. She is the one person who really does care. If she didn't care, she wouldn't take you to therapy. She may throw those things back at you because you did something. Does she do it after you say you hate her, because that surely hurts her, to see her own son hate the woman who gave you life. It could be that among other things, maybe she is just sad about her own life and feels that if she puts you down, she won't feel so down, but that is something you and her would have to discuss. And I think you should do just that. Talk to her, tell her without yelling or hateful words, how you feel and ask her why she does this.

And if you are scared to talk to the friend, then don't talk to him. There are pros and cons though. A pro would be that he may feel the same way, but a con would be that he doesn't. You have to make that call. And don't worry about school. Just do your best. Don't give up, because you will regret it later on.

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it always gets worse before it gets better. I know personally how true this is. I have experienced the same things, and know how much it hurts, but just hang in there, and message me if you ever need anything. :)

[Stryker125]

I'm sorry that you feel so bad, it really sucks. I know this isn't something that you want to hear, but life really does get better. I don't know why you think that's bullshit, but it isn't. Life really is beautiful, and the glass is always full.

Please forgive me for being "that guy", but I think these lyrics say exactly what I want to say, but in a better way...if that makes sense.

I met a guy with some coins in his hand
His face was weathered, dark, and sad
He looked up to me and asked
Something I'll never forget
He said,
How can you smile with your lips wrapped around a loaded gun?
How can you smile?
Look at this life, is this all we've got?
And my reply was quick
Read this book, you were meant to live
It all means so much to me
But note what's written in red
It says...
It speaks of hope, trust, and love,
The fear of never being good enough
We are all made the same
I know it's tough, but please don't give up
Don't speak that way, 'cause I won't allow you
You're too young to live this way
Just close your eyes and see
The true meaning
You're too young to live this way
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/o/of-mice-&-men-lyrics/the-great-hendowski-lyrics.html ]
Just look around and see
That life is beauty
How can you smile, when this life is all we've got?
There's no hole inside, no time that's long enough,
That can't be saved or healed
There's nothing that can't be covered with love
Don't speak that way, 'cause I won't allow you
You're too young to live this way
Just close your eyes and see
The true meaning
You're too young to live this way
Just look around and see
That life is beauty
This world is not...
This world is not my home
I'm just passing through
There's hope, there is love
I know there is a void
There's hope, and there is love
But there is no void that can't be covered with love

If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always message me on here, skype, whatever.