Lostkeyword
April 21st, 2012, 08:20 AM
Um.. Yeah. I'm not good with this sort of thing, but.. I mean, why not. Maybe someone else can give me some insight on all these things I'm so clueless about.
Basic: I'm eighteen, and I was pinned with bipolar I a few months ago. I'm on meds.
..And I stopped taking them.
I probably shouldn't have. My parents still think I'm downing them but..eh. I haven't taken them in at least two weeks -- I'm on 200mg of Lamictal. I can't really explain why I stopped with them in the first place...it's not like I don't want to get better, it's just.. the desire to not be here is outweighing the part of me that wants everything to be okay. I want to shoot myself in the foot for uttering this stupid and cliche phrase, but it really just feels like I have nothing to live for. Silly, right? I'm only eighteen.
But I feel like I've already messed so many things up. I was already slipping again even while I was on them, and I started neglecting my classes because.. because I don't even know. Because I was terrified and being stupid and was thinking, "Why does it matter? I can stop now. I'm not going to be here much longer, so I don't need to do this." I know these are toxic thoughts and I should have pushed them out of my head and persevered, but I didn't. I didn't and I ended up getting my classes frozen, and then I didn't contact my teacher within a week to unfreeze them, and then I was withdrawn. And I've yet to tell my parents. They'll be no more hiding it once Monday hits.
Simple solution would probably be to just start taking my meds again. That's what they're there for, right? To make things better. But I'm.. scared, y'know? And it's funny, because I'm sitting here typing this, and I'm almost laughing because it's like if I give worth to these words then I'm giving worth to the author. I have no reason to be saying this. Right now I'm just some girl who's a little off her rocker and doesn't know what to do.
Really. She's sitting here on her bed at six in the morning and she hasn't slept since yesterday, and her heart is pounding through her chest because she's scared of something that she knows isn't there. She's scared to get yelled at for messing up with her classes, because it's another tac to add to her failure chart. She's biting her lip and throwing these words onto the computer while she thinks about downing the two half-full bottles of Lamictal and Lithium, in hopes that she ends up in a coma and dies. She's disgusted that she thought that, but a the same time she's shaking and laughing because, what else is she supposed to do?
She wants to go out in run, but she's got nowhere to go. Playing in traffic sounds nice but that's gross. She's thinking about buying a ticked and flying across the US because she needs to get out, and she'll disappear for a while. It's like she's drowning in breathable water, and someone is shoving a steel pipe down her throat and it's hard to breath. She's hoping the world will shut up, and she realizes how selfish she's being and how stupid she's being.
She wants to lash out and fuck everyone over and make every person she knows hate her, because it's so much easier. Hate, she understands. Hate, she can deal with. She wants people to just hate her, use her...just tell her. Tell her what she is. She's tired of listening to lies because she knows deep down, people can't stand her. She just wished they would all say it, because it's driving her insane, wondering all the time and thinking.
And there is a small whisper that she's just being paranoid and stupidly irrational, but she can't hear it over the amount of nothing she is feeling. It's a solid, heavy weight that is squeezing the life out of her.
It's easier to talk about it like it's someone elses life. It's not me that's being stupid and irrational. It's some other girl down the street.
I don't know. I think there was a point to this. Do I really have the right to ask for help when I'm almost doing this to myself. God, I'm stupid sometimes. Forgive me?
Basic: I'm eighteen, and I was pinned with bipolar I a few months ago. I'm on meds.
..And I stopped taking them.
I probably shouldn't have. My parents still think I'm downing them but..eh. I haven't taken them in at least two weeks -- I'm on 200mg of Lamictal. I can't really explain why I stopped with them in the first place...it's not like I don't want to get better, it's just.. the desire to not be here is outweighing the part of me that wants everything to be okay. I want to shoot myself in the foot for uttering this stupid and cliche phrase, but it really just feels like I have nothing to live for. Silly, right? I'm only eighteen.
But I feel like I've already messed so many things up. I was already slipping again even while I was on them, and I started neglecting my classes because.. because I don't even know. Because I was terrified and being stupid and was thinking, "Why does it matter? I can stop now. I'm not going to be here much longer, so I don't need to do this." I know these are toxic thoughts and I should have pushed them out of my head and persevered, but I didn't. I didn't and I ended up getting my classes frozen, and then I didn't contact my teacher within a week to unfreeze them, and then I was withdrawn. And I've yet to tell my parents. They'll be no more hiding it once Monday hits.
Simple solution would probably be to just start taking my meds again. That's what they're there for, right? To make things better. But I'm.. scared, y'know? And it's funny, because I'm sitting here typing this, and I'm almost laughing because it's like if I give worth to these words then I'm giving worth to the author. I have no reason to be saying this. Right now I'm just some girl who's a little off her rocker and doesn't know what to do.
Really. She's sitting here on her bed at six in the morning and she hasn't slept since yesterday, and her heart is pounding through her chest because she's scared of something that she knows isn't there. She's scared to get yelled at for messing up with her classes, because it's another tac to add to her failure chart. She's biting her lip and throwing these words onto the computer while she thinks about downing the two half-full bottles of Lamictal and Lithium, in hopes that she ends up in a coma and dies. She's disgusted that she thought that, but a the same time she's shaking and laughing because, what else is she supposed to do?
She wants to go out in run, but she's got nowhere to go. Playing in traffic sounds nice but that's gross. She's thinking about buying a ticked and flying across the US because she needs to get out, and she'll disappear for a while. It's like she's drowning in breathable water, and someone is shoving a steel pipe down her throat and it's hard to breath. She's hoping the world will shut up, and she realizes how selfish she's being and how stupid she's being.
She wants to lash out and fuck everyone over and make every person she knows hate her, because it's so much easier. Hate, she understands. Hate, she can deal with. She wants people to just hate her, use her...just tell her. Tell her what she is. She's tired of listening to lies because she knows deep down, people can't stand her. She just wished they would all say it, because it's driving her insane, wondering all the time and thinking.
And there is a small whisper that she's just being paranoid and stupidly irrational, but she can't hear it over the amount of nothing she is feeling. It's a solid, heavy weight that is squeezing the life out of her.
It's easier to talk about it like it's someone elses life. It's not me that's being stupid and irrational. It's some other girl down the street.
I don't know. I think there was a point to this. Do I really have the right to ask for help when I'm almost doing this to myself. God, I'm stupid sometimes. Forgive me?