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Weeping_Angel
April 20th, 2012, 02:54 PM
This is a story I wrote a year ago, and I just found it lying around. Please comment.



He stood there. Alone. Because no one was there. And because no one wanted to touch him. His disease was rare and unheard of, but still there nonetheless. Why he had this disease, no one knows to this day.

And then a girl came. She had the hair of a mermaid, and the body of a goddess, but that was just a mirage. He was still alone. Standing on the top of the world, but it may as well have been the bottom. The boy's name was a name unheard of, but it was made to match his disease. His name was Terrile. The name of a true hero. He was the ruler of the world. He fed on his family, and ate their bones as his dessert. He was merciless. Strong. Nothing stopped him, except for everything. He was a pauper. Powerless. He fed on his own blood, and drank his urine from a rusty basin found in the dumpster.

Then he died. But he was still alive. His face was rosy, and merry and he lived off of human skin, covered in barbecue sauce. He killed everyone, and had no mercy on them. He ate the ashes of his enemies, and licked their blood off their faces while they were still alive. But really he was dead, because he was alive. After all, children do have nightmares.

Magus
April 26th, 2012, 02:09 PM
It's all right. But in my opinion, it is too short.

Weeping_Angel
April 26th, 2012, 03:52 PM
It's all right. But in my opinion, it is too short.

I know. It sucks. I am in the middle of writing something longer, and this is when I was going through my 200 word story things fase.

embers
April 29th, 2012, 07:18 AM
You need to establish more of a sense of character and give more content so the reader can establish some kind of feeling for the main character.

Weeping_Angel
May 3rd, 2012, 10:45 PM
You need to establish more of a sense of character and give more content so the reader can establish some kind of feeling for the main character.

But it's not really mainly about the characters. It's about the world around us, and how we look at things. There is no main character, and the focus isn't anyone. The focus, is about how nothing can really exist at all, maybe we are just someone's nightmare, or maybe we ARE real. It's supposed to make you think about that.