Bath
April 19th, 2012, 10:10 PM
Lurking through old short-lived blogs of mine, and came across this. Completely forgot I even wrote it, doesn't feel like I did, but I remember writing it in a short burst of passion after my panic attacks started. This is also when I started self harming seriously. It's kind of disturbing for me to read now, because I'm aware of my mind and habits, but at the time of writing this I was more of a complete mystery to myself. And my behavior scared me and I didn't know how to deal with it.
Written two and a half years ago:
"Innocence diminished. Crushed. A quick, violent hand that had gone away as quick as it had come killed the little naïve butterfly in her mind. She sat hopeless, in the dark corner of her bedroom, head between her knees. Her shoulders shook violently with each uneven breath she took from her sobs, uncontrollable tears stuck her long dark brown hair to her mouth, and the salt tasted like sickness.
She crawled over underneath her desk near where she was sitting and quickly returned to the same position she was previously just in. Thoughts rushed through her mind with too much speed, she didn’t have time to analyze each wretched one. All she knew was that it was gone. Her love, her light, her happiness. She believed she would never see it again. Never feel that complete freedom with each breath she took, never smile, never laugh. Never. She wanted to. Right now. She couldn’t.
Utter devastation had started to totally take over her body. As each blood drop filled with anger, her hands involuntarily slapped her face. Drowned screams escaped from her lips as her nails dug into her cheeks, chin, forehead, mouth. She banged her head disturbingly with great force on whatever segment of the desk was behind her. It hurt. And she deserved it.
She knew she did wrong.
She knew was stubborn.
She didn’t know that the bright green eyes her tears fell from were the most beautiful sight any human being could have been blessed to see. She didn’t know it would be okay."
Written two and a half years ago:
"Innocence diminished. Crushed. A quick, violent hand that had gone away as quick as it had come killed the little naïve butterfly in her mind. She sat hopeless, in the dark corner of her bedroom, head between her knees. Her shoulders shook violently with each uneven breath she took from her sobs, uncontrollable tears stuck her long dark brown hair to her mouth, and the salt tasted like sickness.
She crawled over underneath her desk near where she was sitting and quickly returned to the same position she was previously just in. Thoughts rushed through her mind with too much speed, she didn’t have time to analyze each wretched one. All she knew was that it was gone. Her love, her light, her happiness. She believed she would never see it again. Never feel that complete freedom with each breath she took, never smile, never laugh. Never. She wanted to. Right now. She couldn’t.
Utter devastation had started to totally take over her body. As each blood drop filled with anger, her hands involuntarily slapped her face. Drowned screams escaped from her lips as her nails dug into her cheeks, chin, forehead, mouth. She banged her head disturbingly with great force on whatever segment of the desk was behind her. It hurt. And she deserved it.
She knew she did wrong.
She knew was stubborn.
She didn’t know that the bright green eyes her tears fell from were the most beautiful sight any human being could have been blessed to see. She didn’t know it would be okay."