Maybe i have a problem....

[Carly011]

I am realizing maybe i have a bit of a problem..... In the beginning it really wasnt bad, but im realizing i now have a bit of a problem...

I hate food. I like the taste, but i hate eating it. I feel gross and i feel fat. I get disgusted with myself when i eat. I try to eat just enough to not have severe hunger pains. Right now i probably eat about 700-800 calories a day.

I FEEL like i am fat. I KNOW im not, but i FEEL like i am. Im 5' 1 and 95lbs. I want to be down to at least 85, ideally 80. I know that's to low but thats when i feel the best about myself. Today i have eaten 1 cookie( i know...but it was the only thing i had to eat at work), only the chicken out of my salad from mcdonalds(it was grilled and it was only a little bit), and then a small piece of ham and a little bit of corn. I am hungry. Just not hungry enough to eat.... i have a dull pain but not sharp pains, i am going to bed soon so i figured i could last until morning with now food. I am constantly looking at calories now.

I know i have a small problem here, but i CANT tell anyone. I cant bring myself to tell my family or my therapist. I feel like its one more thing to be ashamed of. One more secret that i dont get to have(they already found out about my cutting), one more thing i cant control. Not to mention i dont want to seem crazier then i am. I just feel like if people know its one more thing i get to be ashamed of.

I don't know what to do...

[Sonic Boom]

I know i have a small problem here, but i CANT tell anyone. I cant bring myself to tell my family or my therapist. I feel like its one more thing to be ashamed of. One more secret that i dont get to have(they already found out about my cutting), one more thing i cant control. Not to mention i dont want to seem crazier then i am. I just feel like if people know its one more thing i get to be ashamed of.

I don't know what to do...

Well its nothing to be ashamed of at all! It's more common than you think....even with guys! Now you don't have to tell everyone to sort this out. But I would start with your therapist. There will be full confidentiality with him/her. And its their job to treat this disorder.

Goodluck:)

[Smeagol]

You really need help. If you can't say it out loud to your therapist write it down. He or she needs to know.

[Carly011]

I know i need to tell someone...i really do. but i can't bring myself to tell them...just like with my self harm, it took other's to notice the scars before i told anyone :/ I KNOW i shouldnt be ashamed of these things...but i deal with depression and anxiety. I blame myself for everything. I hate myself. This just seems to be one more thing for me to hate myself for.

Maybe i will tell if i get below 80....I dont feel like 80 is to skinny.... i guess i know i have a problem, but i dont think its a big problem.

[Desuetude]

i guess i know i have a problem, but i dont think its a big problem.
Firstly being able to identify that you have a problem is a big step it takes courage to be able to recognise that you do need help and that you want help so you should be proud of yourself for just being able to get this far.
You might not think it's big now but just like self harm, ED's can become something you can't control. How many times do you wish you had help before things started to spiral with your self harm. That doesn't need to happen this time, you have a chance to stop things before it gets out of hand. Telling someone, even if it is just one person can make all the difference and give you the support and encouragement you need to beat this. It's hard, sure, but people have listened and helped you so far and you need those people right now. VT can only do so much in the way of helping you and you are strong enough to find someone to trust in and get help.

[Carly011]

Thanks :) I know i really should tells someone...and i am going to try. Its just even though i KNOW this isn't good, i really want to loose that weight. I know i shouldn't, but i want to so bad.

[Rawiyah]

It's great that you're going to try to talk to someone! :)

I can definitely understand how you're feeling though, I've been there too.
I wonder if you're struggling with depression, though? I think sometimes when people are depressed, it makes them feel heavy, and when they eat it just adds more heaviness and makes them feel worse, even though they technically are fine. That was how I felt, at least.

In other words, the weight that you feel is there, really isn't there, if that makes sense? I would bring it to the attention of your therapist. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and trust me, you don't want to the habit to go so far that you may end up damaging your body permanently.

[Carly011]

I do struggle with Depression and Anxiety. Both are pretty bad at the moment and i have very low self-esteem. I am going to TRY to talk to someone....but i dont know if i can. There is a part of me that really doesn't want to tell anyone until i get down to 80lbs.... i just feel fat. I hate it. I don't want to eat because then i will gain weight, and i don't want to gain weight. Lately i am obsessed with calorie counting. Todays my birthday and we are going out to dinner and everything is like 450 calories and i am freaking out! i don't want to eat that many calories!!!! I plan on only eating a little bit of the chicken and maybe make multiple meals out of so instead of 450 in one meal i will stretch it over several days.

[Carly011]

I need to work up the courage to tell my therapist...im getting worse. Im trying to eat only 450 calories a day... i want..need to get down to 80. But i am going to...try to...tell my therapist. Wish me luck!

[kenoloor]

Telling your therapist will be a good step towards recovery. I know it can be difficult, but think in the long-term of getting and feeling better. Good luck.

[Smeagol]

Good luck with your ED. I haven't had an ED but I know that it must be a hard thing to go through. Definitely tell your therapist. It will be hard, but after you tell him or her you'll be able to get help.

[Carly011]

I'm going to try... i KNOW i should tell...but i dont WANT to because i havent lost the weight yet and if i dont lose the weight before i tell then she will make me eat and gain weight instead :/ I just cant deal with gaining weight, i CANT