Wiltedrose2394
April 14th, 2012, 01:12 AM
Normally I would just add on to other peoples posts. But I feel like each person is unique, and that my story just can't be told as a comment on someone elses' posts.
So here it is.
Because my story is literally 16 years of stress, I'm going to some it up.
So many things have happened to me. I know many people here can relate. I have experienced abuse in every form at the hands of my father and my exboyfriend. I have lost my home and all my possesions twice to disaster and once to bankruptcy. I have had a sister who suffered from mental illness (there was a four year gap, and because she was older than me, I couldn't understand what she went through.) and I hate myself for some of the things I said to her. My dear grandma, who cared for me after our father disowned us, passed away. I was in an unpure sexual relationship with my mothers boyfriends son. I have dealt with illness; both physical and mental. When I was 15 I spent the whole summer bedridden, unable to get up and even use the toilet. When I got over that, that's when the floodgate opened.
My theory is that because all of this was going on at the same time, I never dealt with my emotions. Everybody's life is stressful; but I think that because I went through so many things, one after another after another, I wasn't able to deal with it. With my father being abusive/bipolar/alcoholic/drug addict; and my mother being diagnosed with depression/anxiety, I thing I may have had a slightly elevated chance of developing a mental illness
And I did. When I was fifteen I started cutting. It started when I got into a big fight with my sister. She got mad for whatever reason, and I just stormed off and locked myself in the bathroom (this was before she got her issues sorted out, and I was really afraid that she was gonna beat me like an old rug.)
Well I was in there, I started crying hard. I randomly grabbed the razor and made a cut and it instantly calmed me down. This is when my grades started falling and I withdrew from my peers. Even though I kept trying to tell everyone that I needed help, no one heard. I came to my school couselor and she literally told me to "stop throwing a pity party".
Well, no matter if it was me or them, it continued. (I think it was me.)
It all blew up in my face. After I started my junior year, I started cutting more and more frequently. I started pushing everyone away (even my moms boyfriends son, whom I had been with for three years.) I had thought of suicide before; but these thoughts soon ruled my life. I flirted with killing myself; I took ambien and drank liquor. I progressively got worse until I imploded.
I went to a mental hospital. Then another. And another; until I had been admitted 8 times in an 8 month period. My last stay was last may. And for a year I have been getting therapy. I've avoided abusing my meds, I only drank on special occasions (i.e.- New Years Eve), and for soooooooo long I didn't self harm (for the most part). But for six or so months, my physical health has been declining.
I thought I had this under control. But now I've been hearing voices again; I've developed this new nervous tic; and I am in so much physical pain on top of that. I am in danger of not graduating, and I'm worthless to my mother because I can't get a job and help our money problem. (she will never admit this, but I know this is how she feels. My brother even points out how useless I am to my family!) I am good for nothing at home; I'm usually too sick or too busy catching up with schoolwork to do any housework (besides cat litter, clipper the pets nails, etc).
In the past two weeks, my SI has picked up very fast. I'm SI twice a day (at least) and I hit myself in the face so hard it left a bruise. (I told my mom that I tripped while I was having one of these tics and hurt my face.)
What is sooooooooooo epically messed up is that I want so bad to SI, but I want soooooooo bad to ask my counselors for help. I don't want to give up either. My SI hasn't been so serious; it happens frequently and my arms/legs/chest look like I got into a fight with a rabid raccoon. But the instrument I used did not allow for me to go too deep. (thankfully).
My whole point of this ridiculously long post is that I don't feel like my feelings are valid. I don't feel like I have a right to feel this.
Do I have the right to have these emotions? Can anyone relate?
So here it is.
Because my story is literally 16 years of stress, I'm going to some it up.
So many things have happened to me. I know many people here can relate. I have experienced abuse in every form at the hands of my father and my exboyfriend. I have lost my home and all my possesions twice to disaster and once to bankruptcy. I have had a sister who suffered from mental illness (there was a four year gap, and because she was older than me, I couldn't understand what she went through.) and I hate myself for some of the things I said to her. My dear grandma, who cared for me after our father disowned us, passed away. I was in an unpure sexual relationship with my mothers boyfriends son. I have dealt with illness; both physical and mental. When I was 15 I spent the whole summer bedridden, unable to get up and even use the toilet. When I got over that, that's when the floodgate opened.
My theory is that because all of this was going on at the same time, I never dealt with my emotions. Everybody's life is stressful; but I think that because I went through so many things, one after another after another, I wasn't able to deal with it. With my father being abusive/bipolar/alcoholic/drug addict; and my mother being diagnosed with depression/anxiety, I thing I may have had a slightly elevated chance of developing a mental illness
And I did. When I was fifteen I started cutting. It started when I got into a big fight with my sister. She got mad for whatever reason, and I just stormed off and locked myself in the bathroom (this was before she got her issues sorted out, and I was really afraid that she was gonna beat me like an old rug.)
Well I was in there, I started crying hard. I randomly grabbed the razor and made a cut and it instantly calmed me down. This is when my grades started falling and I withdrew from my peers. Even though I kept trying to tell everyone that I needed help, no one heard. I came to my school couselor and she literally told me to "stop throwing a pity party".
Well, no matter if it was me or them, it continued. (I think it was me.)
It all blew up in my face. After I started my junior year, I started cutting more and more frequently. I started pushing everyone away (even my moms boyfriends son, whom I had been with for three years.) I had thought of suicide before; but these thoughts soon ruled my life. I flirted with killing myself; I took ambien and drank liquor. I progressively got worse until I imploded.
I went to a mental hospital. Then another. And another; until I had been admitted 8 times in an 8 month period. My last stay was last may. And for a year I have been getting therapy. I've avoided abusing my meds, I only drank on special occasions (i.e.- New Years Eve), and for soooooooo long I didn't self harm (for the most part). But for six or so months, my physical health has been declining.
I thought I had this under control. But now I've been hearing voices again; I've developed this new nervous tic; and I am in so much physical pain on top of that. I am in danger of not graduating, and I'm worthless to my mother because I can't get a job and help our money problem. (she will never admit this, but I know this is how she feels. My brother even points out how useless I am to my family!) I am good for nothing at home; I'm usually too sick or too busy catching up with schoolwork to do any housework (besides cat litter, clipper the pets nails, etc).
In the past two weeks, my SI has picked up very fast. I'm SI twice a day (at least) and I hit myself in the face so hard it left a bruise. (I told my mom that I tripped while I was having one of these tics and hurt my face.)
What is sooooooooooo epically messed up is that I want so bad to SI, but I want soooooooo bad to ask my counselors for help. I don't want to give up either. My SI hasn't been so serious; it happens frequently and my arms/legs/chest look like I got into a fight with a rabid raccoon. But the instrument I used did not allow for me to go too deep. (thankfully).
My whole point of this ridiculously long post is that I don't feel like my feelings are valid. I don't feel like I have a right to feel this.
Do I have the right to have these emotions? Can anyone relate?