Critique my song

[canadaski]

Okay, I came up with some lyrics to a song. It's the first time I've ever really tried to write anything. It's written for acoustic guitar and I'll post a melody guitar track later but first, lyrics. Yeah, I know they're shit but it's my first song.

Shadows shield my eyes from the present danger
Some say they grant me some untold favours
Darkness will illuminate while visibility suffers

In the end are vivid imaginations
Of a life with colour
One that can be measured but never touched the same

I’m still stuck in a cage, left to my own devices
The ones I’m not sure could exist
I near captured myself from the confines
But the colour kept me begging

In the end are vivid imaginations
Of a life with colour
One that can be measured never but touched the same

Until modern science can prove the point of it all
People assure that it begins with blood
Though I cannot be so sure because I may carry
Love for the painted stone waiting for my
Vivid imaginations to come true


Well, that's it. How can I improve these? I'll post guitar later.

[Phazit]

For what it's worth, I think that these are powerful lyrics that convey a strong and emotional message. I can't wait to see them beside a melody - as I struggled slightly to make them flow, but then again, I'm not very musical :whoops: Thanks again for writing this! :)

[Mortal Coil]

I know that no rhyme is better than bad rhymes, but unless it's a hardcore/metalcore song then try to work on the rhymes a little.

Other than that, good work! Very powerful lyrics!