I can't do this :/

[Carly011]

So i have depression and anxiety and struggle with cutting. A couple nights ago my brother tried to OD on xanax. I was the one who had to call the police....it was horrible. He was taken to the hospital and from there transfer'd to a psychiatric treatment center for children and teens. He was there for two days. In this time i had to deal with him crying and it was horrible. My brother is my best friend and it was so hard to see him in there. Not to mention for some reason it just triggered me into thinking about all of my problems and how that could...probably SHOULD be me in that place. My brother made me promise him that i wont cut. I am really trying hard not to. But this isnt the first time i have promised that to him and so far i have failed every time. I dont know if i can keep my promise, i want to, but i dont know if i can :/ I have taken to cutting my thighs and hips so he wont see, but i feel horrible. Every time im sad or anxious i cut. I dont know how to deal with emotions without it!!

On top of that i think i may have an eating disorder. People keep telling me i should tell someone and i should eat more. But i feel like this is my last "secret" that i have, the last thing i can control. I feel like this is one more thing i get to be ashamed of and have people judge me on. I just CANT tell. if i can't restrict my eating, then i will need to cut(because if feel so gross when i eat)..... I really dont know what to do.

Life sucks. I am trying so hard but it never gets better. I hope one day it does.

I just needed to get all of that out.

[CaLl13BuG]

I'm sorry. I wish I was, like, some magic depression-erasing fairy. With pixie dust. But instead of making you fly, it would cure depression and eating disorders and get rid of self mutilation....

Yeah. If I was a fairy with that power, I'd dump a whole load of pixie dust on you and every one else that had ever posted on this forum :) *hugs*

[Carly011]

Thanks :)

[Stronger]

I'm sorry to hear about your brother, I hope he recovers quick, you two seem like you have a close bound which is sweet, and he seems like he really cares for you and doesn't want you to cut; but think to yourself, even though this can be hard, i cutting something I really need to toxin my life, everytime you think of cutting, try and remind yourself, that no I don't need this and I really want to do this for my brother. As for your possible eating disorder, people have no right to judge you on anything, they have no right but maybe you can see someone outside the family to try and help you, have you tried that? But everyone has a hard life, some have it more tough then others, you just have to keep your head up and stay strong, things will get better, just remember you have your brother to help you every step of the way. Hope this helped you, if you wanna talk further let me know. <3

[Carly011]

I see a therapist, but i cant even bring myself to tell her about thinking i have an eating disorder...heck i can barely admit it to myself. I just don't think im strong enough to quit cutting....i want to do it so bad for my brother, i really do, but now im terrified off disappointing him. I dont want to fail, but i dont know if i can help it....

ughhhh this is all to hard. Im not strong enough for this. I feel like i am never going to get better

[StoppingTime]

So i have depression and anxiety and struggle with cutting. A couple nights ago my brother tried to OD on xanax. I was the one who had to call the police....it was horrible.

The important thing is that you did what was right. I'm sure it was hard, but you should be very proud of yourself for what you did. If you felt he was in serious danger, it is much better than having him suffer the consequences, which of course would be much much worse.


He was taken to the hospital and from there transfer'd to a psychiatric treatment center for children and teens. He was there for two days. In this time i had to deal with him crying and it was horrible. My brother is my best friend and it was so hard to see him in there. Not to mention for some reason it just triggered me into thinking about all of my problems and how that could...probably SHOULD be me in that place.

Don't blame yourself for others' mistakes, it generally only makes things worse. It is good that you two are close, because sometimes, it may be all you have, and it would not be something to lose. Don't make it seem that this is your fault, and you deserve to be in his place, because you don't.
He can get through this, and he will, just don't feel guilty because you didn't do anything to stop it.


My brother made me promise him that i wont cut. I am really trying hard not to. But this isnt the first time i have promised that to him and so far i have failed every time. I dont know if i can keep my promise, i want to, but i dont know if i can :/ I have taken to cutting my thighs and hips so he wont see, but i feel horrible. Every time im sad or anxious i cut. I dont know how to deal with emotions without it!!

Just think to yourself, do I need this? Is there a better way to deal with this?
Blast some music, go for a run, and tell yourself that you don't need self harm in your life.
If there is anyone to talk to, I would try that. Most likely, I don't think talking to your brother yet is a good idea, just because of his mental state of mind. After anyone tries to OD, they will probably feel guilt, and sadness. Just support and be there for him, you'll both get through this.


On top of that i think i may have an eating disorder. People keep telling me i should tell someone and i should eat more. But i feel like this is my last "secret" that i have, the last thing i can control. I feel like this is one more thing i get to be ashamed of and have people judge me on. I just CANT tell. if i can't restrict my eating, then i will need to cut(because if feel so gross when i eat)..... I really dont know what to do.

In regard to this, it is best to tell your therapist. S/he won't judge you, s/he is there to help you get through this mess.
Don't listen to what people say though. They think that telling you what to do will change your mind on everything, but it doesn't, and most people don't understand that. Don't listen to their judgements. They aren't in your place, they don't have to deal with any of the things you do.
It is going to be hard to tell your therapist, but it will help. They won't be mad at you; that isn't why they are there. They want to help, not judge.


Life sucks. I am trying so hard but it never gets better. I hope one day it does.

I just needed to get all of that out.

It will. You'll find that eventually, things will look up. I can't tell you when, or how long that will be, but the more you believe things will work, they have a good chance of doing just that.

want to do it so bad for my brother, i really do, but now im terrified off disappointing him. I dont want to fail, but i dont know if i can help it....

ughhhh this is all to hard. Im not strong enough for this. I feel like i am never going to get better

These things don't happen as fast as we would like, of course. Just remember why you are trying so hard. Remember who you are doing this for. He won't be disappointed or angry if you fail, he will be there to help you get back up again. If slip ups happen, then so be it. You just have to will yourself to take on the challenges from there, and there, it seems, people in your life to help you, which is amazing.


I wish the best on you and your brother's recovery!

[Carly011]

Thanks :) i KNOW its not my fault...but i FEEL like it is, you know? I am working on that with my therapist though. Sometimes i wish it was me who had OD'd....and that i had succeeded. I also get jealous that my brother is getting better and i'm not.

I dont think i can keep my promise....todays my birthday which just makes everything worse. I hate the attention, i dont feel as if i deserve it. I feel like crap and hate myself more. I guess if they ignored my birthday then i would have a reason to cut and reason to be depressed....as opposed to people acknowledge it and me still being depressed.

[StoppingTime]

Thanks :) i KNOW its not my fault...but i FEEL like it is, you know? I am working on that with my therapist though. Sometimes i wish it was me who had OD'd....and that i had succeeded. I also get jealous that my brother is getting better and i'm not.

I dont think i can keep my promise....todays my birthday which just makes everything worse. I hate the attention, i dont feel as if i deserve it. I feel like crap and hate myself more. I guess if they ignored my birthday then i would have a reason to cut and reason to be depressed....as opposed to people acknowledge it and me still being depressed.

It is good that you are talking to someone, that really helps.
I understand that you want to blame yourself for the bad things that happen sometimes, but that'll make things worse sadly.
What would your brother think if he knew that you thought you were guilty of making him OD? I think he'd want to protect you, and say that it isn't you at all, and he'd be right.
You can't make anyone do anything; it's by their own will. Just be happy (which I'm sure you are), and comforting to him while he's recovering. Don't take the blame for things out of your control.
If you'd like to get better like your brother, try to think that you are doing it for him, if you know what I mean.
It'll be hard not to cut, and sure, you may slip up. But that really is OK. But if that happens, remember who and what you are doing this for, and use that as a kind of "incentive". If you believe in it, then you will, and can, get better.

And, happy birthday! Enjoy the day. Don't think of it as a curse. You do deserve it, in face, you haven't ever done anything that shows that you wouldn't. You can ignore people if that works for you and helps not cutting, but there isn't any reason why you don't deserve it.

[Carly011]

Its like i KNOW everything your saying is true, but i dont FEEL like it is true if you know what i mean? What makes my birthday worse is that we are going out to dinner...lately i have been obsessed with calorie counting....the place we are going has like nothing below 450 calories....i CANT eat that many calories....i think i will only eat a few pieces of chicken and then save the rest...that way i am having 450 calories over several days instead of all at once. I already ate about 800 calories today and i really can't bring myself to go over 1000. Most days i want to stay in the 400-800 range. I know its bad :/ I just feel like i wouldn't know what to do without my cutting and my eating habits.

I really am going to try to stop cutting...but i really don't know if i can do it. i just feel so down lately that i don't know if its the best time you know? I WANT to quit, but at this moment i dont know if i can. My therapist is trying to help me work out the problems that are causing the cutting and slowly give me new coping skills so eventually i can stop.

[StoppingTime]

Yes, I agree, a gradual stop is always better than all at once. It is easier, and it makes your life much better. But of course, always try to stop whenever you can, and distract yourself.
I know what you mean when you say you don't feel it. Subconsciously, you may still blame yourself for those mistakes. It can be very hard to let go of these things sometimes.
Just try to remember he's getting better, and you two will have each other again.

As for the calories, nobody can tell you, "Just eat," because that only make things worse.
Do what you think is enough. Don't starve yourself though, that's the last thing you need.
Counting calories isn't always bad, and can be quite healthy. But just make sure things aren't getting out of hand, and now, they aren't.

[Carly011]

Things went bad tonight at dinner....got in a big fight with my parents. Ended up cutting :/ what a great birthday huh? And on top of that i feel guilty for the food i ate and i have a real urge to throw it up.

i know calorie counting isnt bad....but im 94lbs at 5'1.... i eat barely enough...just enough to get the hunger pains away(i still get left with a dull ache)... i really want to get down to 80lbs. I KNOW its bad but i cant help it...i feel like it will make me happier even though it probably wont.

Death seems so much better.

[Desuetude]

Hey, it's okay. We all have our good and especially bad days, it's understandable that your birthday was a bad one. It's over now, gone for another year, no need to think about it. You shouldnt feel guilty for eating, everyone does and throwing up as well as damaging things inside you body can affect your mental state as well.
94lbs at 5'1 is a moderately healthy weight, 80lbs however is way to little being that thin will cause you problems and you just don't need them. Check a BMI chart if needed, those are specially made for everyone and it won't lie to you. If you know it won't make you happier then what's the point? It will just cause more pain and you have enough of that anyway.

Death is never better, no matter how much you think it's not worth it death is a permanent option for a could be short term problem. You can get better, things do get better and I know that's. overused but think about everything you'd be missing out on, all the people left hurt. Is it worth causing that much pain and so many unanswered questions because that is what people will remember about you. You have a chance to change that, use it. You can get through this and comeout the other side stronger.

[Carly011]

I didn't end up throwing up, so thats good. Though today i have been restricting a lot more :/ I dont want to eat. I hate looking at the scale, but i can't help it. Its like i dont know how to live without cutting and starving myself. Its like i KNOW these things wont make me feel better, but i FEEL/Think that they will. You know? Like just maybe if i loose some weight i will be happy..or maybe if just cut a few more times i will be happy....

And i know death is never better...i just have those moments where i feel like death would be better and that no one cares. Then i cut to prevent myself from killing myself and it just calms me down even if i do feel guilty and ashamed those feeling are easier to deal with then the suicidal thoughts.

I'm sorry i am laying all of this on you guys, its not your problems to deal with :( i just have to get everything out sometimes.

[StoppingTime]

Don't ever feel bad about venting/asking for help here, that's why we come on, to help and be helped.

I know it can be hard to quit an ED, but I think you should devote your time to this while you are ahead. You don't want it to develop into something much worse, which is likely if it isn't caught/treated early. Just remember that, in reality, it isn't getting you anywhere.
It is hard to take in sometimes, and you don't have to in one day.
There is no problem counting calories though, as long as it is done in a healthy way.
Trust me, nobody will think you are fat at your height/weight, and if they do, then it's their problem, not yours. That is a fine weight to be at, and slimming down unhealthily will only make things worse.

You are allowed to have those moments where you think that things won't ever get better. That'll happen from time to time. The trick it to not let it get the best of you. Remember that (cliche incoming), no matter how bad things get, you have the potential to get better. This is said so much because it really is true. If you have a reason to give yourself to live, any reason, that cling to it. Remember that you deserve to live. You do.

[Carly011]

Thank you. I really am trying to get a handle on my ED but every time i eat i feel gross and sick... but i am trying. I just think i am going to do one thing at a time.... take it slowly. Right now i am going to TRY to build up the courage to tell my therapist about the ED...until then i will probably keep restricting my food and hopefully tell my therapist so she can help me get past it.

When ever i really want to die i think about my brother, i CANT do that to him...it would kill him. Thats why i come here to let it all out :) or cut...i know bad but better then killing me!

[StoppingTime]

You are absolutely right.
It takes a lot to admit that for someone who's gone through so much like you. But it's good that you are able to see what horrible things that would do to everyone if you were to ever do that.
Always block that thought out of your mind, it is never the way to go.
And good luck telling your therapist, I'm sure he/she will understand, and will help you.