Syvelocin
April 13th, 2012, 06:32 PM
I won't talk in specifics about why I'm thinking about this, but I'm having issues because for my entire life, I've never been able to take someone's word for it that I "shouldn't do that" or "it would be best to do this instead." I've always listened to people like my parents and friends who have been there, done that, and I understand the consequences of my actions very well. But I never really learn it until I know it from experience. I simply have to make my own mistakes. That's what I've told everyone. Primarily my dad who had this horrible time understanding why I wouldn't listen to his advice. "I have to make my own mistakes, and you have to let me do that."
But recently, I'm struggling as to why I have to be that way. I'm really smart. I have nothing wrong with my intellect and common sense. Yet I repeatedly defy that. I don't want to be that way. But I struggle in yearning to rebel when I abstain from making those mistakes and I'm starting to feel like it would just be better to implement my way of learning. It makes much quicker work of it I think. Instead of spending four years wanting to make these mistakes and not letting myself, telling myself all about what could happen and ignoring the desire. Until I've convinced myself I need it and crack.
I half think it is more to do with how I feed off chaos. For some reason I'm not happy unless something's wrong with me. I'm Only Happy When It Rains (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esEdC0c3YI4&feature=related) if you will. When things settle or I fix the things I've done wrong, I need to replace it with something else or just stir up trouble. So maybe the desire to make these mistakes comes from wanting to do things I know will effect me badly, because I have grown bored. The issue is, once the water rises over my head, I freak out. I do these things because the desire grows too strong, but when the reality sets in I can't handle it. And with this particular happening, reality is just starting to do exactly that.
Aww fuck me.
But recently, I'm struggling as to why I have to be that way. I'm really smart. I have nothing wrong with my intellect and common sense. Yet I repeatedly defy that. I don't want to be that way. But I struggle in yearning to rebel when I abstain from making those mistakes and I'm starting to feel like it would just be better to implement my way of learning. It makes much quicker work of it I think. Instead of spending four years wanting to make these mistakes and not letting myself, telling myself all about what could happen and ignoring the desire. Until I've convinced myself I need it and crack.
I half think it is more to do with how I feed off chaos. For some reason I'm not happy unless something's wrong with me. I'm Only Happy When It Rains (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esEdC0c3YI4&feature=related) if you will. When things settle or I fix the things I've done wrong, I need to replace it with something else or just stir up trouble. So maybe the desire to make these mistakes comes from wanting to do things I know will effect me badly, because I have grown bored. The issue is, once the water rises over my head, I freak out. I do these things because the desire grows too strong, but when the reality sets in I can't handle it. And with this particular happening, reality is just starting to do exactly that.
Aww fuck me.