Complete Honesty

[Lost997]

I'm not even sure if this is in the right place but its all to why i cut.....before my dad sexually abused me when I was 5 I had a strong realtionship with him we were so close but then my parents became sooooo agressive towards eachother they only stayed together for me which only makes me think if they hadnt done that then he may not have been driven to the madness of feeling the need to abuse me, he ended up walking out continuesly even on my 5th birthday he even burned my arm with a ciggarette I think he resented me in the end! I was his little girl I was supposed to be looked after and cared for by him I just dont get it, I dont get why he didnt love me, the hardest part is I never did and never have been able to say the sexual abuse was his faut even though he did it I always make excuses because for some sickening reason theres still that 5 year old little girl who loves him and thought her dad was complete MAGIC! how could I still even have a glimmer of love towards him even though I HATE HIM at the same time...it makes me hate myself even more.........I feel rejected, I feel unloved, I feel out of control and I hate myself and all this leads me to cut it allows me to release my shame and anger and pain and fustration onto me because no matter how hard I try and how much I HATE him I cant blame him so instead I blame me....this is the most honest I've ever been and if you judge me for this in a bad way then im sorry because even I dont agree with myself anymore but atleast I've been 100% honest because even the people who knows what happened to me dont know about my conflicting feelings...........

[Desuetude]

That's amazing that you're being completely honest and actually letting someone know about everything, even if it is a load of strangers on the internet getting it out can help. First of all I want to tell you that none of what happened is your fault, no one has any reason to blame you for your Dad abusing you. Parents think they know best, they usually try to do what they think is best for the child and in this case what they thought was best was staying together and it backfired on them and made things worse. You had no influence on that decision, you were 5.
What he did to you was not right in any way, it was his fault, there is no one else to blame. Please don't think you did something to make him act like that because you didn't. Some of negative things you feel about yourself we're down to him and his actions even though he knew he was doing wrong and you shouldn't be taking the blame for that. I suppose that 5 year old just wanted to hope, little kids have a lot of that, it's a shame we lose it as we get older. No one is here to judge you and if they try they wont get very far. People here are only going to try and do their best to help and that's all they can do.

[LucasRobert0897]

Again, an amazing show of how good this community is. It will NEVER be your fault. Ever. You were 5 you couldn't have even stopped it if you knew what was actually happening. Liking someone who did something bad to you I believe is called Stockholm Syndrome. Often happens to released hostages. It makes you miss them. Sort of. But it could be to do with who he was, your biological father after all. Don't punish yourself over this, its not your fault.