I miss him and don't quite have the strength to go on

[ackmedsgirl666]

I figgen miss cody like crazy and I just can't forgive myself for what I did to him. Basically I saw him for the last time about a week ago or so. I feel bad for what my boyfriend mikey made me do. Basically here's what happened. He wanted to set cody up so he would leave mainly me alone and the idea just didn't feel right. Basically mikey told me to fake date cody and so I did and that's when my adventure began. Basically in the 2 days we were together I went crazy for him again. He became my everything all over again and for once that dull empty feeling I had went away while I was with cody... Me and cody spent 2 wonderful days together chatting and talking about the future we wanted and I realized I wanted to be with cody more than anything. Right now I'm currently making this thread sitting in the middle of a mall me and cody used to go to all the time and as I sit here the memories return and I'm just praying ill see him. I thought I had seen him but maybe it was somebody else. Had the same walk and everything. Anyways back to the story whenever I'm with mikey I feel like I love him so much but the whole 2 days I was with cody I was gonna make mikeys plan backfire and stay with cody but I fucked it up. I let my impulses take control and sure enough it ruined everything. So I broke up with cody and he didn't take it so well. My life went spiralling back down after that. Cody showed up at my school with knives because he was looking to fight mikey. Codys plan didn't work however. Mikey went to the office and the VP instantly called the police and 4 cruisers came and took my everything away. He was arrested with posession with a weapon and now there's a restraining order. Cody was released out of jail on bail after 5 days. I hate what I've done to him and I just wanna see him so bad hold him close and atleast hear him say I love you one more time. The attachment just won't go away. I've gone against the restraining order myself and tried to contact him. Maybe itwas a mistake but every time he hasn't answered. Like I know my family and friends hate him and his family all hates me but I LOVE HIM and that feeling is not going away :'( there was one night a couple weeks ago I stayed out all night and slept with cody under a gazebo we used to sit under and I cuddled right close to him and it just felt right. What am I gonna do. I want my baby back :'( I'm tired of crying I just wanna be with him. Idk where he is and it seems my friends keep seeing him but not me.. I need answers please!!!!!! What can I do..... I just can't be happy with mikey anymore I gotta stop the faking....:( idk if anybody can help me on this and sorry for the long ass thread its more of a vent. I am proud to say I haven't cut no matter how depressed I am :)
well I've found out where he is. my friend just told me he's on house arrest for the next 8 months or until courts done meaning I'm never gonna see him again the courts told him no contact... oh fuck what have i done :"(
another edit... i spoke to him on the phone last night. he spent 5 nights in a jail in another city. hes on house arrest which i a;ready mentioned and me and him talked on the phone last night for 5 hours. i miss him s bad just what can i do.... somebody please help!!