Not myself and completely out of control :/

[Fiction]

So, yeah, I haven't posted here in a while. Some of you will know me, some of you won't.

The last few months have been the most painful few months of my life. I don't want to go into it in detail but in January this year I tried to kill myself. Straight after that I guess I pushed everything to do with that too the back of my mind.

Now it's all coming out. I'm scared of myself. I'm not scared of my self-destructiveness or what I might do to myself, even though that is getting so much worse again, i'm scared of who i'm becoming, because it sure as hell isn't me.

The whole purpose of my existance before was always love. I would do anything for other people. I guess you can only go on so long like that, and it killed me. I might not have succeeded in killing myself but I feel mentally dead. I feel full of hate, and don’t feel much besides that. I can’t take comfort in anything I used too, except transferring some of the pain I feel onto other people. I hate myself for what I’m becoming. I’m not in control and it really leads me wondering if I’m better off dead. I'm trying to move on and live my life but the past is always there.

I'm loosing faith in humanity and trust and love are two things I don't believe in anymore. My mind is attacking me and I just feel out of control, lost and alone. I don't know what to do I really don't. I have personality issues I know that but it's all this that's leading me too them and I can't control them. It's just becoming who I am. I know that now but I don't know how to gain help.

I just want to die. I'm completely destroyed and hardly worthy of being called a person anymore, i'm just a shell. I need help ><

[Iris]

The fact that you're reaching out to try and get help shows you aren't completely destroyed. You're human and you're hurting; perhaps you're dealing with the pain by transforming it into something more manageable like anger or hate, but underneath it all your a wounded person who has the capacity to feel great love and hurt from it. Don't give up on yourself just yet.

You say you lived for loving others. Have you tried existing for yourself? For all your potential? I know you're in a band, and you seem to enjoy it, why not focus on that? Or some other talent or hobby of yours. You can't truly build yourself up if you've created yourself based on others, based on loving others. That's no real identity. Perhaps if you create yourself in a concrete way, by focusing on what you want and need, you'll feel more in control of your life.

It's not over hun. You are still you, a person in a lot of pain yes, but still you. Fight for yourself.

[Fiction]

The thing is, I guess that's what i'm trying to do. Live for myself. In doing so i'm becoming a person run on hate.

I feel lost and confused and just under attack from my own head. I know building myself from others is no real identity and that's why I don't feel real, or human. I'm hardly a person like I said. In fighting for myself I cause pain and that's just something I can't deal with. At the same time i'm forcing myself to feel no guilt for hurting people. I'm forcing myself to be a cold heartless bitch. I just feel like death has to be the best option. I don't know what i'm hoping for by holding on. Obviously there's something though.

It just feels like no one understands this pain.

[Kaius]

Death is in no way the best option and deep down I know you know that. Despite what your head is telling you there are people that love and care about you and they'll do anything they can to help its just not always possible or easy in this situation especially when one doesn't know how to help. Is there any particular reason you're forcing yourself to be heartless? That might be part of the problem, you're fighting against who you really are and what you stand for, thats never an easy thing to do. You know you have us Kathy :/ We might not be much help but you always have us you're not alone.

[Fiction]

Because being heartless hurts less? That's fairly obvious. And the fact people don't know how to help is something I already know... and it makes me feel worse because if no one can help, it doesn't get better does it?

I've just been talking things through with Kieran and it's fairly obvious i've been hurt by pretty much everyone in my past. My parents just everyone. I don't think it's suprising i'm how I am, and if it's not suprising then how can I get past it? I can't change the past so how can I change how I am?

I am alone. Other than Kieran but everything has left me wary of even him.

[Iris]

I think the problem is that you've jumped from one extreme to another. Extremes are never good, it's always best to stay in the some nice middle ground, especially mentally. You don't have to choose between devoting yourself to others and being heartless. You can be there for your loved ones, feel guilt and also spend time or money or whatever on yourself, let yourself take center stage. There's no need to be purely one thing or the other. We as humans are far more complex than that, we have the capacity to be multiple things at the same time. That doesn't infringe on your identity, it just levels out your mind. Am I making sense?

The truth is that there might not be someone you know who truly understands what you're going through, as hard as we might try. But that's ok, the bottom line is that there are people who support you, who understand that you're in pain and want to help you. Isn't that just as beautiful? You've jumped from extreme to extreme, find a rock, someone steady you can hold onto as you find some middle ground. Don't give up yet. You've been through so much but things will get better, eventually. I promise that one day it will be worth it. I don't know when or how, but life's not always a cold bitch.

:hug:

[Fiction]

Thanks Iris :) I almost cried reading that :p

I do have a rock and a very good one. Talking to him last night and thinking about it made me have some realisations. I realised i've been hurt. I know that sounds odd, but I always denied it before. I always though how I was was to do with me being weak and pathetic. I realise now that it's not that at all. I've been through alot and it's actually quite suprising I made it to be the person I am.

For the first time in a long time, I haven't felt suicidal today. I think i'm getting better. I need to show my weakness now in order to get better :)

[Iris]

I'm so glad you're doing better :D. It's these pivotal choices and realizations that determine who we're going to be, and I think that with this new attitude you're going to go a long way. Accepting the pain for what it is the first step to overcoming it, in my opinion. Stay strong :hug: