Self-Harm Relapse

[JayByrd]

Honestly, I don't know why I relapsed... Well I mean, I do but... It's hard to explain. I guess I should explain my situation here and why I decided to find a forum for people who have/are self harming, like me.

It started back in 7th grade. I was only... 13 I think, when I first thought about cutting. School was stressing me out and I felt like I was going to fail out because of this damn research paper we had to do. (Now, I go to a public school, but it's the kind of public school that makes you feel like if you're not on the top, you're nothing.) Anyway, I found one of those little pencil sharpeners with the razors you can unscrew off. Without even thinking it through, I took both of the razors off and started cutting. I cut for a good month before my mom and dad caught me. My dad, being the paranoid man that he is, threatened that if I didn't stop he would send me away (I mean like to a mental hospital or something) I mean, I was 13 and terrified, so obviously I quit.
Fast forward to now, I'm in 10th grade and 16. Where to begin? Well, my school has a cyber program and I'm currently doing 3 of those classes (Each lesson is usually around at least an hour. That means around 3 hours of work, PLUS homework) also, I've just gotten hurt by, who I thought was the sweetest guy ever (He "flirted" with me for weeks, I fell, turns out he had a girlfriend) so needless to say, I'm stressed. I needed an outlet, and that's when I started again. But since the last time I cut my mom threw out all of those little pencil sharpeners, so I used my eyebrow pencil's sharpener.

This time, I'm cutting on my stomach because I think it's the easiest to hide. Sometimes I'll cut on my upper thigh, or even on my wrists (Not as bad I did before, but once in a while when they can be pulled off as some kind of little scratch my dog gave me). I don't think my parents can tell, but I'm scared for summer whenever I have to wear a bathing suit around my parents.

In a way, it's worse than when I cut the first time. Before I just did it blindly, now I have a sort of score board. That probably didn't make any sense, but it's like this:

Parents say something that make me feel like a disappointment: 1 cut
I think people are laughing about me/ mocking me at school: 1 cut
I let people down: 2 cuts
I feel like a bad person in general: 2 cuts
A teacher yells at me: 4 cuts
I see someone who hurt me badly in the past: 3 cuts
I forget to do my homework and I know it'll affect my grade: 1 cut
Pretty much anything else is just 1 cut.
(I know it's out of order but I had to think of these off the top of my head)

What people don't understand is that I don't want to kill myself (Most people I know who use to cut did it as an outlet, and not as a suicide attempt) but they don't see that and they probably wouldn't listen to me if I tried to explain that to them. I'm terrified of getting caught honestly, and I don't want to quit. I'll quit once I get a hold on things, so please don't comment telling me I don't need to cut.

I'm sorry if I wasted your time, I just feel like I need some support from people who have gone through something like this. Again, please don't tell me "just don't cut" "you're better than this" or anything. I know that what I'm doing is "bad" or "wrong" but this is something I feel like I just have to do and work through and I'll be fine in a month or two (Probably). Thanks guys.

[Truth]

Parents say something that make me feel like a disappointment: 1 cut
Do not let your parents misguided opinions on how you should live your life get you down. Just ignore it, and continue enjoying life in the way you want to.
I think people are laughing about me/ mocking me at school: 1 cut
People who laugh/mock you are only doing it because they are bullied, abused, hurt, and mentally unhealthy themselves. You should feel bad for these people, don't take their words to heart. Let them insult you, because the only reason they insult you is to get rid of their own pain. In their mind, maybe if they make you feel worse, it'll make them feel better. Once again, just don't take it to heart.
I let people down: 2 cuts
You should not punish yourself if you don't do everything perfectly. You know, I used to harm myself when I let people down, but then I realized that cutting myself hurt them more than any small mistake I could make.
I feel like a bad person in general: 2 cuts
You are a great person. :)
A teacher yells at me: 4 cuts
Talk to your principal, absolutely no teacher under any circumstances is allowed to raise their voice at a student when they are not in the wrong. You do not deserve to be taught by someone who lacks professionalism.
I see someone who hurt me badly in the past: 3 cuts
The past, is nothing more than the past. There's nothing in life if you look to the past rather than the future.
I forget to do my homework and I know it'll affect my grade: 1 cut
This happens all the time. Rather than cutting yourself... use that time to catch up on that homework! Explain why you couldn't get it done, and ask them to not lower your marks.
Pretty much anything else is just 1 cut.
(I know it's out of order but I had to think of these off the top of my head)
Just thought I'd try and give you a few reasons to not feel so down about life. I completely understand where you're coming from, as I used to be just like that. I wish you luck in finding a reason to be happy, everyone's reason is different. :yummy:

[Carly011]

I know how you feel. well cutting is NOT good, its also not an easy thing to do, especially when your feeling out of control as it is. Though the only way to not be scared to be caught is by not doing it. Maybe write out a letter to explain why you do it. I dont cut as a way to end my life either, but a way to release all my emotional pain. If you ever need to talk just pm me. I really hope you can get control of your life and once again stop. You did it once, i know you can do it again. Good luck!

[Unbroken]

I'm really sorry you relapsed :( I saw this quote the other day, I can't remember exactlly how it goes but it was something like, 'don't let the fear of relapsing stop you from recovering' just because you've slipped up once doesn't mean that your going to keep on doing it. Try distracting yourself when you feel like cutting and think how good you felt when you stopped before. Hope you can overcome this:) I'm always here to talk if you need too.

[Carly011]

Everyone stumbles in their recovery, its ok. As long as you pick yourself back up and start again. Soon the relapses will get farther and farther apart.