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[Carly011]

Hello everyone. My names Carly. Im 18 years old, turning 19 on april 16th. I joined here because there are very very few people who know about my cutting....I just thought i'd go to a place were i can talk to others who know what i am feeling.

I first started out self harming by digging my nails into my left wrist and slicing it across over and over until it was bleeding. It was deep enough to cause it to bleed, then scab over and scar. I started this maybe two or three years ago. My brother made me promise to stop. But i couldn't, i tried but i just couldn't.

Recently my mom told my therapist about it.... that did not go over well. My therapist wanted me to talk about it, but i refused. I was PISSED. She wanted me to go to the ER because she did not feel like i could contract for safety. If i didn't agree to go to the ER she was going to call 911. I still didnt, COULDN'T, talk about it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. And mad that they found out, i should have been more careful about hiding my scars. After that i switched to a razor blade and my upper thigh. They are easier to hide. I have cut several times since then, i just can't seem to stop. I am seeing a therapist and a pyschiatrist(to manage my meds). my pysch doc made me promise to throw away 2 of my 4 razor blades and then hide my two remaining ones. I didn't think it would be so hard to throw away my razor blades...but it was, but i did it. I didn't hide it though because i didn't see the point. I try to stop or at least cut back. I do it on average once or twice a week, but when i do it its usually 7-10 cuts.

I am getting help, and thats a step but i just cant bring myself to talk about my cutting. Hopefully things get better soon, but i dont see myself quitting any time soon. I am also diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

So hello! hopefully this place will give me somewere to talk to others in teh same place as me!

[Unbroken]

Hey! Welcome to VT :) I think your so brave for getting help and it seems like lots of people care enough about you to want to help you with your sh. Don't worry about not being able to talk about it yet I haven't talked to anyone about it either. You could try talking about sh outloud to your self and pretend that you are actually telling someone, this helped me to be able to talk about it online. Or you could try writing your therapist or parents or whoever you want to talk to a letter explaining why you self harm if you are not able to say it outloud? You are getting help for it which ireally great and I'm really happy for you. Try snapping an elastic band on your wrist next time you feel like cutting or holding an ice cube becasue they are both supposed to help you resist urges. I really hope your able to tell someone about it cause its horrible going through this alone. If you ever want to talk pm me anytime:)

[Truth]

Welcome to VT, I'm glad you're being open to us at least. I know it's hard to talk to therapists at first, but they really do want to help.

If you don't mind me asking, why do you cut? Feel free to not give me an answer, I'm just curious.

[Carly011]

Thank you for the welcome :) I figured this was the best place to come, since you guys know what i am going through and what it feels like.

I guess I cut because i can't handle the emotional pain. When i am upset, angry or just having a really down day it helps dull the emotional pain. At the time its just this huge relief. Other times when im really upset on myself its because i feel like i deserve it. I feel like i deserve the pain and that i deserve to have scars that show how ugly i am :/ At times when im really down on myself i cut because i think i deserve a reminder of how ugly and stupid i am and how much of a loser i am. :/ i'm not proud of it, but i just can't seem to help it. Hopefully through therapy i will get better, and eventually be able to talk about it so she can help me deal with it.

[Truth]

Thank you for the welcome :) I figured this was the best place to come, since you guys know what i am going through and what it feels like.

I guess I cut because i can't handle the emotional pain. When i am upset, angry or just having a really down day it helps dull the emotional pain. At the time its just this huge relief. Other times when im really upset on myself its because i feel like i deserve it. I feel like i deserve the pain and that i deserve to have scars that show how ugly i am :/ At times when im really down on myself i cut because i think i deserve a reminder of how ugly and stupid i am and how much of a loser i am. :/ i'm not proud of it, but i just can't seem to help it. Hopefully through therapy i will get better, and eventually be able to talk about it so she can help me deal with it. Aww, I'm very sorry to hear that. I don't know you personally, but I can tell you right now, you don't deserve the pain. You're a beautiful person, and you're obviously smart enough to express yourself. In my eyes, that makes you the opposite of a loser. I used to think like that all of the time, that I was ugly, too fat, deserved to be hurt, and that no one liked me, and I was going to fail in life... but not every idea you come up with is true. I know for a fact that you're portraying yourself negatively, even though in reality you're a wonderful person. You will realize that too some day, and I hope your therapist can help you reach that goal. :)

[Carly011]

Aww, I'm very sorry to hear that. I don't know you personally, but I can tell you right now, you don't deserve the pain. You're a beautiful person, and you're obviously smart enough to express yourself. In my eyes, that makes you the opposite of a loser. I used to think like that all of the time, that I was ugly, too fat, deserved to be hurt, and that no one liked me, and I was going to fail in life... but not every idea you come up with is true. I know for a fact that you're portraying yourself negatively, even though in reality you're a wonderful person. You will realize that too some day, and I hope your therapist can help you reach that goal. :)

Thanks :) i really wish i could believe those nice things you said, hopefully one day with the help of therapy i will be able to. It always seems like 1 step forward, 2 steps back :/ its frustrating, but i will keep working at it even though many times i feel like giving up. At least i know have a place to go to talk to others in the same place as me :)

[Truth]

Thanks :) i really wish i could believe those nice things you said, hopefully one day with the help of therapy i will be able to. It always seems like 1 step forward, 2 steps back :/ its frustrating, but i will keep working at it even though many times i feel like giving up. At least i know have a place to go to talk to others in the same place as me :) Well I do mean those things, so I hope you try to take it to heart, haha. :wub:

Many girls I know have become losers. If you don't live on the street, spend your little income on alcohol, and sleep with guys on a daily basis - I'd say your far from a "loser". I've always had trouble struggling with my self-reflection, I would always assume negative things about myself. I used to think I was such a loser, I purposely missed dates, ignored girls, and failed in school on purpose! Even though school was no problem, girls were always willing to date me, and I had a decent life - I convinced myself I was stupid, unattractive, and useless. I hope you don't end up doing the same things I did, because I guarantee you're beautiful. No matter how sad you are, I'm sure you will one day be able to substitute cutting with another activity you enjoy. :yes:

[Carly011]

Unfortuntley i have already convinced myself :/ I do try to stop this thinking, and i stopped for a couple weeks and was feeling better....but its been a bad couple of weeks and i have gone back :/ though i know i can get better again, it just takes times. But thank you :) i know one day i will be able to stop cutting, but i just dont think i can right now :/ i picked up some scar cream today and it works so at least i dont have to be questioned constantly about my scars! Though that has ups and downs because now i can just be like "oh i can cut, and then use the cream on the scars" though i really try not to cut. Hopefully one day i will have the strength to stop :)

[Truth]

Unfortuntley i have already convinced myself :/ I do try to stop this thinking, and i stopped for a couple weeks and was feeling better....but its been a bad couple of weeks and i have gone back :/ though i know i can get better again, it just takes times. But thank you :) i know one day i will be able to stop cutting, but i just dont think i can right now :/ i picked up some scar cream today and it works so at least i dont have to be questioned constantly about my scars! Though that has ups and downs because now i can just be like "oh i can cut, and then use the cream on the scars" though i really try not to cut. Hopefully one day i will have the strength to stop :) Trust me when I tell you.. that cream isn't magical. If you use it for about 3 months, it'll kind of change the colours of your scars - but that is it. I have tried for the last 2 and a half years to get rid of my scars, but they are still very obvious... maybe your cuts weren't as deep, but trust me when I say it's a very permanent thing. I hope you stop cutting, so you can realize how beautiful you are. :D

[Carly011]

Mine aren't to deep, just enough to bleed and take away my emotional pain, then i stop. i mainly use to cream to lighten the scars so they aren't as noticable! :) right now they are a dark/reddish color, this has made them look more like my own skin color.

I hope i can stop to, but i sure dont feel beautiful :/ i honestly can't name one good thing about myself...

[Truth]

Mine aren't to deep, just enough to bleed and take away my emotional pain, then i stop. i mainly use to cream to lighten the scars so they aren't as noticable! :) right now they are a dark/reddish color, this has made them look more like my own skin color.

I hope i can stop to, but i sure dont feel beautiful :/ i honestly can't name one good thing about myself... Aww.. I'm quite sorry to hear about your cuts. I know how bad it feels to have to cover up your arms. In junior high this one girl would come sit by me every lunch - she once accused me of being depressed as a joke, and lifted my hoody's arm, and still was pretty freaked out that I had scars - Even though they're nearly 3 years old, people can still see mine clearly up close.

You are beautiful though! I have never seen a picture of you, so I can't be specific... but from the way you post, I can tell you're neither stupid or a loser. :whoops:

[Carly011]

Thanks :) even if i dont believe it, its always nice to hear. yeah i dont like covering them up :/ thats why i switched to my thighs. I also use make up and that covers it up pretty good :)

[Truth]

Thanks :) even if i dont believe it, its always nice to hear. yeah i dont like covering them up :/ thats why i switched to my thighs. I also use make up and that covers it up pretty good :) I hope that soon you won't need to cover up anything, hun. It's good to express yourself, but there's so many other better ways to do it. :yes:

If you ever need someone to chat to, feel free to give me a message.

[Carly011]

I hope so too, Thanks :)