Princess Ariel
April 6th, 2012, 05:06 PM
*may be triggering*
Well, I've been cutting since I was 5, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 7. I got my gym teachers e-mail to talk with her, and we've been on skype for a good couple of hours. She told me to keep busy. So i took her advice, but in that I found all of my hospital bracelets. No point in posting the number, but it's a lot. Now, i'm trying so hard to avoid my blade, I got rid of all pointy objects and threw them in a ravine, but I couldn't get rid of the phone behind by bus pass in my phone case. My ED has gotten worse, i've stopped eating completely, but when I have no choice, I act as if i'm going for a shower, so I turn on the tap, but i'm forcing my finger down my throat. It's been 3 years of being bulimic. I'm done. I attempted last night, and the night before, but I didn't. I just cut deeper, they sting. They hurt as I rest my arm on the table. I don't get why I'm still here. I've been bullied ever since I can remember, and I woke up to 4 text messages telling myself to kill myself, and another 6 from others telling me to. Just takes one second, i'm completely numb. I can;t feel the blade resting on my leg.
I just want out, but I can't this has became a part of me. I have no one. No one who I can talk to without later get interrogated like a criminal. I tried talking to a friend earlier today, but all he said was that he loved me. He doesn't get it. He's the happiest go lucky person i've ever met, but I simply can't be happy with him, and yet I love him. We both went to the same school for grade 9, and we both switched to the one i'm at now for grade 10. We promised that we wouldn't abandon each other, but he abandoned me, and so did I.
I want out, whether or not if I die, or what have you. I'm so sick. Sick of me. Sick of others saying that they beleive me. I'm getting called an attention seeker by a friend, but i'm just... i'm just being me. If he can't handle that, then screw him.. right?! Well. I can't I care, and love him too much to just have him slip through my fingers.
I got my matchmaker thing from school, and all the ones I got was friends of mine that were straight, they're all girls. One of my closest friends was number 4. I'm sick of being alone, my ex was just.. ugh. Annoying, he's still bugging me and making me worse. I was watching finding nemo last night, and that triggered me. A couple hundred on my arms, what does it matter. I have a sense of being alive when I see the blood coming out of my arms and legs. Seeing that triggers me even more. I get triggered by taking a step, taking a breath. It's just a slap in the face that i'm still here, even though I shouldn't be.
I was discussing with my gym teacher how I get triggered easily, and how even discussing that with her was making me pick at my blade. I showed her the one on my finger, and she suggested I get stitches. I'm not disagreeing, if I get it. I'll get to feel the pain I deserve.
I can't deal with this, and I never wanted to. I've gotten worse in the past month. I've stopped talking to almost everyone, I'm trying to stop with one, but I can't. The names I'll get called.
I feel that everyone is going on about their lives, and i'm here. Progressing quicker then everyone, people get better right before my eyes, and i'm stuck. Most days though, it feels as if i'm frozen in time.
I really don't know what to do guys. I'm sick of being like this, but forging a smile makes everything worse.
EDIT: Seeing the schools social worker. he just.. He scares me. I can't trust him.
Well, I've been cutting since I was 5, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 7. I got my gym teachers e-mail to talk with her, and we've been on skype for a good couple of hours. She told me to keep busy. So i took her advice, but in that I found all of my hospital bracelets. No point in posting the number, but it's a lot. Now, i'm trying so hard to avoid my blade, I got rid of all pointy objects and threw them in a ravine, but I couldn't get rid of the phone behind by bus pass in my phone case. My ED has gotten worse, i've stopped eating completely, but when I have no choice, I act as if i'm going for a shower, so I turn on the tap, but i'm forcing my finger down my throat. It's been 3 years of being bulimic. I'm done. I attempted last night, and the night before, but I didn't. I just cut deeper, they sting. They hurt as I rest my arm on the table. I don't get why I'm still here. I've been bullied ever since I can remember, and I woke up to 4 text messages telling myself to kill myself, and another 6 from others telling me to. Just takes one second, i'm completely numb. I can;t feel the blade resting on my leg.
I just want out, but I can't this has became a part of me. I have no one. No one who I can talk to without later get interrogated like a criminal. I tried talking to a friend earlier today, but all he said was that he loved me. He doesn't get it. He's the happiest go lucky person i've ever met, but I simply can't be happy with him, and yet I love him. We both went to the same school for grade 9, and we both switched to the one i'm at now for grade 10. We promised that we wouldn't abandon each other, but he abandoned me, and so did I.
I want out, whether or not if I die, or what have you. I'm so sick. Sick of me. Sick of others saying that they beleive me. I'm getting called an attention seeker by a friend, but i'm just... i'm just being me. If he can't handle that, then screw him.. right?! Well. I can't I care, and love him too much to just have him slip through my fingers.
I got my matchmaker thing from school, and all the ones I got was friends of mine that were straight, they're all girls. One of my closest friends was number 4. I'm sick of being alone, my ex was just.. ugh. Annoying, he's still bugging me and making me worse. I was watching finding nemo last night, and that triggered me. A couple hundred on my arms, what does it matter. I have a sense of being alive when I see the blood coming out of my arms and legs. Seeing that triggers me even more. I get triggered by taking a step, taking a breath. It's just a slap in the face that i'm still here, even though I shouldn't be.
I was discussing with my gym teacher how I get triggered easily, and how even discussing that with her was making me pick at my blade. I showed her the one on my finger, and she suggested I get stitches. I'm not disagreeing, if I get it. I'll get to feel the pain I deserve.
I can't deal with this, and I never wanted to. I've gotten worse in the past month. I've stopped talking to almost everyone, I'm trying to stop with one, but I can't. The names I'll get called.
I feel that everyone is going on about their lives, and i'm here. Progressing quicker then everyone, people get better right before my eyes, and i'm stuck. Most days though, it feels as if i'm frozen in time.
I really don't know what to do guys. I'm sick of being like this, but forging a smile makes everything worse.
EDIT: Seeing the schools social worker. he just.. He scares me. I can't trust him.