CodyCupcake
April 2nd, 2012, 07:38 PM
Hi, I'm new to this forum. Joined because I think I may be suffering from some kind of disorder. I'm so confused and feel like I have no one to talk to about it so hopefully someone could provide me with some answers or advice or something.
I'm 19 years old and for the past 3-4 years or so I have been having mood swings which affect me a lot of the time. At first I thought it was just part of puberty and thought nothing of it but recently I am starting to feel the way I did when I was 16 which was the first time I ever felt very low, sad and depressed all of the time. It lasted for a few months where I was extremely antisocial and hated everything about myself and life also. I was unhappy in school, didn't speak unless spoken to and hardly ever went out or hung out with my friends (which I did do before). Basically my everyday routine was get up, go to school, come home eat dinner and go to my room and sit alone until bedtime. I didn't know why but I just felt so sad, helpless and worthless all of the time. During this period I self harmed on a couple occasions. I also thought about suicide almost every day and I promised myself if it didn't get any better I would swallow some pills to stop the pain and hurt I felt.
Next year when I was 17 though, I felt like a completely different person. I went out almost every week, wanted to hang out with friends and loved going to school just to be around people and have lots of fun. It was the total opposite to the previous year I had. I loved life and things were looking great.
For the past year or so I have been having more frequent mood swings where during some weeks I would feel very low and not bothered to do anything. I would skip most of my college classes and be pretty much in a daydream like state most of the time (sometimes hours would go by where I'd be in a daze). Sometimes I have so many thoughts running through my mind I find it hard to focus or concentrate on simple things like completing homework or listening to the teacher during a lecture. I lose interest in things I normally like doing such as watching tv, hanging with friends or cooking dinner. Some days I eat next to nothing and I don't feel hungry.
My sleeping pattern is all over the place, esp in the last few weeks. Sometimes I over sleep and I feel very fatigued and lack energy to do anything. Other times I can't get to sleep or don't feel the need to sleep and if I get only 2-3 hrs of sleep I wake up and feel like I have full energy, not tired one bit. It's really strange as this can upset my daily routine.
I tend to avoid as many social gatherings as possible. I do not feel comfortable sometimes being in a room full of people as hearing them speaking can disrupt my thoughts and when they speak to me and ask questions it sort of irritates me. I don't know why. Sometimes I feel like I am completely alone or alien in a crowded room and I cannot connect to anyone. In saying this I am not shy when meeting and first speaking to strangers and I am generally a very friendly person. What I feel inside is normally hidden by forced body language or smiles. I tend to bottle my feelings up inside all of the time.
At times I have extremely impulsive thoughts and occasionally I do things rather impulsively. For example, sometimes I go through a day where I say to myself that I want to drop out of college and do something else (I recently wanted to become a professional pole dancer for that day and I couldn't stop thinking about it) and the next day I would think 'why on earth was I thinking that?' There was also a time a few months ago where one day I thought about getting a tattoo and I went a few hrs later and made an appointment and had one done the next day. A few days later I thought why did I even get a tattoo in the first place so quickly. I do happen to like it though but looking back I'm not sure if I should've got it. About a year ago there was another day where I suddenly thought, oh I want a hamster, and sure thing I bought one the following day. I don't think strangely of it at the time but after a few days or a week I look back and wonder what exactly I was thinking doing it. I am so determined during those periods and can think of nothing else until I actually do them.
I am very emotionally detached most of the time. When good things happen I don't necessarily feel 'happy' or if sad or sort of bad things happen to someone I know or love I always wonder why I don't feel 'sad' for them like I should do. I also tend to avoid emotional conversations or confrontations as I do not know how to act or whatever. I never cry, can't remember the last time I did cry. Sometimes I try to because I feel it would make everything better but it never comes out. I have trust issues and sometimes I am very paranoid for example in the street I sometimes think people are waiting to kill me or kidnap me or if someone looks at me I feel as if they know I am feeling scared or anxious and it really confuses me. And with the trust issues for a long time I have felt that I do not want marriage or children and I have very few 'friends'. To be honest I only have one proper friend the rest don't really bother with me 99% of the time. But I feel that everyone else has loads of friends or people they can trust and I just feel so different from everyone else all of the time. They seem to go on living their lives or reality and I am just stuck in this bubble of misery and confusion. I don't know what's going on most of the time inside of me. I don't know if it is normal to feel so normal one minute then the next as if my heart is all of a sudden just gone and I feel as if I'm a living statue. For the past week I have been feeling very down again (like when I was 16). I self harm and then I feel so guilty because of it. I feel so empty or dead inside so much so sick of not feeling anything and so trying to hurt myself seems to be the only way I actually feel something, even if it is through pain. Its as if I am just existing and not actually living.
Sorry this is so long I just can't talk to anyone about this it's too hard and I don't know if it's depression, cyclothymia or bipolar or anything. I'm so confused and I'm worried and want some answers please. Thanks for listening it really means a lot to me I feel so alone and sad and would like to talk to someone about it.
I'm 19 years old and for the past 3-4 years or so I have been having mood swings which affect me a lot of the time. At first I thought it was just part of puberty and thought nothing of it but recently I am starting to feel the way I did when I was 16 which was the first time I ever felt very low, sad and depressed all of the time. It lasted for a few months where I was extremely antisocial and hated everything about myself and life also. I was unhappy in school, didn't speak unless spoken to and hardly ever went out or hung out with my friends (which I did do before). Basically my everyday routine was get up, go to school, come home eat dinner and go to my room and sit alone until bedtime. I didn't know why but I just felt so sad, helpless and worthless all of the time. During this period I self harmed on a couple occasions. I also thought about suicide almost every day and I promised myself if it didn't get any better I would swallow some pills to stop the pain and hurt I felt.
Next year when I was 17 though, I felt like a completely different person. I went out almost every week, wanted to hang out with friends and loved going to school just to be around people and have lots of fun. It was the total opposite to the previous year I had. I loved life and things were looking great.
For the past year or so I have been having more frequent mood swings where during some weeks I would feel very low and not bothered to do anything. I would skip most of my college classes and be pretty much in a daydream like state most of the time (sometimes hours would go by where I'd be in a daze). Sometimes I have so many thoughts running through my mind I find it hard to focus or concentrate on simple things like completing homework or listening to the teacher during a lecture. I lose interest in things I normally like doing such as watching tv, hanging with friends or cooking dinner. Some days I eat next to nothing and I don't feel hungry.
My sleeping pattern is all over the place, esp in the last few weeks. Sometimes I over sleep and I feel very fatigued and lack energy to do anything. Other times I can't get to sleep or don't feel the need to sleep and if I get only 2-3 hrs of sleep I wake up and feel like I have full energy, not tired one bit. It's really strange as this can upset my daily routine.
I tend to avoid as many social gatherings as possible. I do not feel comfortable sometimes being in a room full of people as hearing them speaking can disrupt my thoughts and when they speak to me and ask questions it sort of irritates me. I don't know why. Sometimes I feel like I am completely alone or alien in a crowded room and I cannot connect to anyone. In saying this I am not shy when meeting and first speaking to strangers and I am generally a very friendly person. What I feel inside is normally hidden by forced body language or smiles. I tend to bottle my feelings up inside all of the time.
At times I have extremely impulsive thoughts and occasionally I do things rather impulsively. For example, sometimes I go through a day where I say to myself that I want to drop out of college and do something else (I recently wanted to become a professional pole dancer for that day and I couldn't stop thinking about it) and the next day I would think 'why on earth was I thinking that?' There was also a time a few months ago where one day I thought about getting a tattoo and I went a few hrs later and made an appointment and had one done the next day. A few days later I thought why did I even get a tattoo in the first place so quickly. I do happen to like it though but looking back I'm not sure if I should've got it. About a year ago there was another day where I suddenly thought, oh I want a hamster, and sure thing I bought one the following day. I don't think strangely of it at the time but after a few days or a week I look back and wonder what exactly I was thinking doing it. I am so determined during those periods and can think of nothing else until I actually do them.
I am very emotionally detached most of the time. When good things happen I don't necessarily feel 'happy' or if sad or sort of bad things happen to someone I know or love I always wonder why I don't feel 'sad' for them like I should do. I also tend to avoid emotional conversations or confrontations as I do not know how to act or whatever. I never cry, can't remember the last time I did cry. Sometimes I try to because I feel it would make everything better but it never comes out. I have trust issues and sometimes I am very paranoid for example in the street I sometimes think people are waiting to kill me or kidnap me or if someone looks at me I feel as if they know I am feeling scared or anxious and it really confuses me. And with the trust issues for a long time I have felt that I do not want marriage or children and I have very few 'friends'. To be honest I only have one proper friend the rest don't really bother with me 99% of the time. But I feel that everyone else has loads of friends or people they can trust and I just feel so different from everyone else all of the time. They seem to go on living their lives or reality and I am just stuck in this bubble of misery and confusion. I don't know what's going on most of the time inside of me. I don't know if it is normal to feel so normal one minute then the next as if my heart is all of a sudden just gone and I feel as if I'm a living statue. For the past week I have been feeling very down again (like when I was 16). I self harm and then I feel so guilty because of it. I feel so empty or dead inside so much so sick of not feeling anything and so trying to hurt myself seems to be the only way I actually feel something, even if it is through pain. Its as if I am just existing and not actually living.
Sorry this is so long I just can't talk to anyone about this it's too hard and I don't know if it's depression, cyclothymia or bipolar or anything. I'm so confused and I'm worried and want some answers please. Thanks for listening it really means a lot to me I feel so alone and sad and would like to talk to someone about it.