project_icarus
April 2nd, 2012, 07:56 AM
So, a rant. I guess I could've/should've posted in Depression, Loss and Grief but I dunno, it's more than that and I have edited my options to hide it (I have no idea why).
Today, I don't even know what fucking hit me. I signed into skype to find my friend who is currently in the US and the only contact I have with him is via Skype, had sent me this:
Our friendship has been fun. I enjoyed your company (No Homo), but due to your recent actions, I have came upon the decision that your not worthy of my friendship. This shows your level of trustfulness, which is very low. When you realize how to treat a friend, you may re add me on skype.
What the fuck did I do? One day he tells me how awesome I am and why I shouldn't kill myself. The next he just gives me the complete opposite and yet another reason to just die. He says I made him "look bad" in front of his friends. I swapped a joke or two around...
[6:38:10 PM] Matt McRemoved: Greg why are you so obsessed with me getting in a relationship? :O
[6:38:13 PM] Matt McRemoved: So... You ARE gay! :D Lol
Yet he'd always say some fucking things that were completely serious, he'd always make me feel insecure and be defensive. Whenever I tried to speak to him about my problems, he's always try and give me some quick and easy answers.
Oh. And he messaged this girl I like telling her that I like her. I didn't really see the point in lying, so yeah, I admit it, I like her. What did she say? "Who?" "thanks" "sorry."
So, summary; My proper friend hates me and she thinks I'm weird as hell. Not only do I have my existing problems, which in the space of a month have resulted in multiple admissions to psych ward 4H and God-knows how many trips to A&E, which all costed well over $1800 for each ambulance trip (St John Ambulance decides to charge people for emergency transport), which causes my drunk mum to get extra pissed off at me. Not to mention I had two of the same paramedics twice. One of them I had even met before (so this makes it the billionth time I've been taken in by them to the same hospital every fucking time) when I had a panic attack, two asthma attacks and a suicide attempt last year. One of the times with the ambo's I met twice, it was because of a panic attack and severe Tourettes (before I was diagnosed, they were worried I was having some kind of seizure) but as be had grabbed my arm to put the cuff on my arm to get my blood pressure, he had to roll my sleeve up, and he'd (obviously) seen my cuts, which I'd opened up just an hour or two before.
How much more bullshit am I going to inflict on the world? Too much. The trips to A&E, the costs for ambulances, the 4H admissions, they're all completely pointless. I know that being in 4H is meant to help me... but how? Being constantly offered food (even when they find you still awake at 3 in the morning), placed in a room with absolutely nothing to do, while having to put up with a nine year old boy who was very violent and aggressive, constantly yelling random shit and actually trying to bully me, a 10 year old Aboriginal psychotic girl who was... psychotic, and actually being attracted to another girl who was in 4H at the time for trying to kill herself after her house had burnt down and had nothing, absolutely nothing.
Everyone around me is too damn ignorant and immature to converse with. The minute amount of people who have the slightest hint of maturity goes out of their way to put me down. The counsellor at my college, I try and talk to her about my abusive mother for one thing. All she said, was "You know I won't tell anybody about this, right?" reminding me that I have full confidentiality. Again, when I tried to tell her I'm suicidal. She said "if you ever think about that, tell yourself that you've got a really crappy plan".
Once again, why the hell am I still alive?
I don't really know what the point is of this post, sorry it's fucking huge, I just had to say it somewhere.
Today, I don't even know what fucking hit me. I signed into skype to find my friend who is currently in the US and the only contact I have with him is via Skype, had sent me this:
Our friendship has been fun. I enjoyed your company (No Homo), but due to your recent actions, I have came upon the decision that your not worthy of my friendship. This shows your level of trustfulness, which is very low. When you realize how to treat a friend, you may re add me on skype.
What the fuck did I do? One day he tells me how awesome I am and why I shouldn't kill myself. The next he just gives me the complete opposite and yet another reason to just die. He says I made him "look bad" in front of his friends. I swapped a joke or two around...
[6:38:10 PM] Matt McRemoved: Greg why are you so obsessed with me getting in a relationship? :O
[6:38:13 PM] Matt McRemoved: So... You ARE gay! :D Lol
Yet he'd always say some fucking things that were completely serious, he'd always make me feel insecure and be defensive. Whenever I tried to speak to him about my problems, he's always try and give me some quick and easy answers.
Oh. And he messaged this girl I like telling her that I like her. I didn't really see the point in lying, so yeah, I admit it, I like her. What did she say? "Who?" "thanks" "sorry."
So, summary; My proper friend hates me and she thinks I'm weird as hell. Not only do I have my existing problems, which in the space of a month have resulted in multiple admissions to psych ward 4H and God-knows how many trips to A&E, which all costed well over $1800 for each ambulance trip (St John Ambulance decides to charge people for emergency transport), which causes my drunk mum to get extra pissed off at me. Not to mention I had two of the same paramedics twice. One of them I had even met before (so this makes it the billionth time I've been taken in by them to the same hospital every fucking time) when I had a panic attack, two asthma attacks and a suicide attempt last year. One of the times with the ambo's I met twice, it was because of a panic attack and severe Tourettes (before I was diagnosed, they were worried I was having some kind of seizure) but as be had grabbed my arm to put the cuff on my arm to get my blood pressure, he had to roll my sleeve up, and he'd (obviously) seen my cuts, which I'd opened up just an hour or two before.
How much more bullshit am I going to inflict on the world? Too much. The trips to A&E, the costs for ambulances, the 4H admissions, they're all completely pointless. I know that being in 4H is meant to help me... but how? Being constantly offered food (even when they find you still awake at 3 in the morning), placed in a room with absolutely nothing to do, while having to put up with a nine year old boy who was very violent and aggressive, constantly yelling random shit and actually trying to bully me, a 10 year old Aboriginal psychotic girl who was... psychotic, and actually being attracted to another girl who was in 4H at the time for trying to kill herself after her house had burnt down and had nothing, absolutely nothing.
Everyone around me is too damn ignorant and immature to converse with. The minute amount of people who have the slightest hint of maturity goes out of their way to put me down. The counsellor at my college, I try and talk to her about my abusive mother for one thing. All she said, was "You know I won't tell anybody about this, right?" reminding me that I have full confidentiality. Again, when I tried to tell her I'm suicidal. She said "if you ever think about that, tell yourself that you've got a really crappy plan".
Once again, why the hell am I still alive?
I don't really know what the point is of this post, sorry it's fucking huge, I just had to say it somewhere.