Feels like i'm drowning..

[alex4nder]

This will be a very long post, as i don't know where to start so i'll just start from the beginning..

I was born on the last days of June, some eighteen years ago.. growing up and starting school, i never really had any issues as i was a happy kid and so was my brother, who was born couple of years after me.

Sure, dad took off when i was about four or so, but i barely remember him or that time.. doubt my brother does either, since he was 'bout two when he left.

I had friends and as said, was this happy-go-lucky kid who had nothing troubling him.. until high school started.

Things just started to go downhill from there.. new school, new rules.. lost most of my friends, since most of them ended going to different schools than i did.. meaning, as the kid with no friends it was easy for the bullies to zero onto me.. and someone did, another boy and his friends who were were year or two older than i was.

It got bad.. real bad, as i think i might've mentioned elsewhere on the forums here.. it was mostly mental abuse at first, which i was dealing with initially, but then it got physical too and i practically stopped going to school.

At that point, i felt like no one cared.. not teachers, not anyone.. i tried talking about it, but that got absolutely nowhere so i eventually gave up and accepted my fate, so to speak.

I still had some friends back then.. mainly my best friend whom i'd known since kindergarden.. i had this mad crush on him.. i would've done anything he asked of be, basically as long as i'd just got to hang out with him.

Well, before things developed one way or the other, we ended up moving.. so i lost whatever friends i had left, but also got away from the constant bullying, which i viewed as godsend at the time.

Around that time, i think i started to block things.. went into denial, as i didn't want others to know how horrible i always felt.. mainly because i didn't want my mom or brother to worry about me..

So when asked 'How are you?' or the like, i'd smile, nod my head and say i was fine.. how everything was fine, how nothing was bothering me..

Fast forwarding ahead, i got through high school.. physical bullying had stopped after the move, but the mental abuse was still there, but i learned to tolerate it and thus managed to pull myself through, even though i did struggle at times.

Skipping ahead a bit again, to about week and half ago.. one night, after getting my homework done, sitting here in the dark, browsing the web like i usually tend to do before i go to bed, i came across some news articles.. about bullying.. Jamey Rodemeyer.. his youtube vid.. and more, when it finally hit me.

Despite saying it to my family, the few friends that i have, even myself.. i'm not alright.. haven't been alright for a very long time.. infact, i'm drowning.. been drowning for as long as i can remember..

I've been in denial for years.. about what happened in the past and about my own sexuality and now that the dam's been broken and it's all coming out.. good god how it hurts..

It's almost like a physical pain now.. making me almost want to cry (pathetic, i know) and i simply can't seem to shake it, no matter how badly i want it to end and go away..

So here i am, contemplating of taking my life as i write this post in the middle of the night because i once again can't sleep.. there's no one i can talk to.. as i can't say anything to my brother, as he'd freak out and i don't want to make him feel bad or make him suffer.. can't say anything to my mom, as she'd fall to pieces and worse.. just like she did when the word 'suicide' was mentioned last time.. can't dump this on the few friends that i have, because they'd probably vanish faster than i could count to three and i doubt i could deal with that right now..

I'm sitting here and hoping.. i don't know what exactly.. that there'd be someone i could talk to? Someone that could talk me out my suicidal thoughts and plans?

But honestly, i'm a coward.. i couldn't go through with it and kill myself right now.. as it'd hurt my brother and my mom.. hurt them badly.

But i'm scared.. so very scared that regardless of not wanting to cause my family pain, i just might do it should a chance present itself during one of my more darker moments.

*quick glance upwards*

To those actually reading through this:

I'm sorry, i shouldn't have dropped this here.. but i just had to get it out, for the first time.. maybe it'll actually help me sleep now, at least for a few hours.. :whoops:

TL;DR - Used to be in denial.. now semi-suicidal, thanks to all the stuff i've been bottling up for the past 6+ years..

[Skeptical Bear]

I'm sorry about what you had to go through in High school. It sucks to be bullied and not have anyone to truly listen and be there to make you feel better but be glad that you got out of there. Don't let all this pain put you down. It's a lot since it's all coming at you at once but you shouldn't end your life. It's not worth. If you want to talk about it. You can PM me. Bottling things up can really hurt so I'm here to help out man.

[Stryker125]

I'm sorry you had to go through all this. If you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here. If you don't feel like you can dump it on anyone else, dump it on me. I can take it.

[Jupiter]

Wow, bud. You have one hell of a story.

I never had to move. I'll give you that. But I have had to deal with losing friends. In fact, I'm dealing with that right now.

You need to listen here. Crying is NOT pathetic. It helps you. It really does. Realize that we are here to help, and no one is going to turn you away. If you ever need to talk to me, you know where to hit me up. Stay strong bud.

[SolarSolexis]

I can certainly understand what you are going through. I think I have gone through everything you have mentioned previously (Dad leaving, bullies, etc). Some people say that if you go through a thousand trials and have one victory, it's worth it. Because when you do finally win, you appreciate and love it so much more. It's a little bit different with real life, but the premise is the same. Even if you have trials and tribulations to go through, when you finally come out ahead, it will be worth every second of the pain and suffering.

I can say that time heals most wounds. I mean, in ten or twenty years from now, will you really care about what some idiotic kids did to you in high school? Maybe every now and again, but I think you will be much more concerned with things like family and friends and work and stuff like that. Sometimes the things that we think are bad are truly blessings in disguise. It sounds cheesy, but it's true. Hold on, and you will be rewarded for it. Use what you have learned from now, to make a better future for yourself. You may have to work hard for it, but when you reach the light after the end of the tunnel and have a breath of fresh air, you will understand why you worked so hard digging yourself out form under the ground.

I wish you all of the best.

[alex4nder]

First off,

Thank you all for the replies, i greatly appreciate all of them.

That said, looking at that block of text that i wrote.. wow.. i honestly can't believe i wrote all of that.. makes me feel extremely embarrased, dropping it into the open like that.

I mean, during the day things aren't so bad.. i can actually mostly deal with my flaws and the fact that i've been in denial about pretty much everything for a long, long time (still am, sadly) but come night, like right now.. things just start to seem so hopeless, making me question myself.. the things i've done and if i'd be better off with not waking up in the morning.

I do try to stay positive, but it's hard.. since it's not how i feel at all.. just feels like i'm letting my family and everyone else down, all the time.. and christ, i'm rambling again.. as try as i might, can't seem to pull my thoughts together and away from the dark place they always end up during the night.

I do thank you all again and.. i'm sorry for dropping my incoherrent posts here, like this.

EDIT: Since i apparently cannot send PMs yet.. Bear.. Stryker, your kind offers have been noted, indeed.. :)

[LitBlackRose]

Woah dude an awesome story I'm about to hit high school but I'll see how it goes but if u wanna ever talk I'm here pretty much every day

[alex4nder]

I think talking would help, since i've never been able to do so to anyone before.. which has just lead me to keep everything bottled up and look what a wreck i've become due to that?

I'll try to extend a message to those who offered, as soon as i cycle through the options available.

[AUS01]

Hello Alex,
Please do not apologise for one second for posting this here. I admire you. You have gone through Shit and more Shit and nearly come out the other side. There are so many of us here to support you every step of the way but I really think you need to talk to one of your friends, to have someone on the ground over there to help you. I am so happy that you have made it this far, and I think the end of the bullying is near. I just dont know how people can actually make peoples lives like this. It saddens me greatly.
Lastly, If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here.

[anonymous friend]

I know it looks hopeless right now but there are people who care about you and want you to live and want life to be better for you. Being bullied is tough and i can't relate to being bullied for my sexuality but i can definately relate to the bullying part. I wanted to kill myself too and it felt like no one cared about me. The only reason i am alive today is because a stranger reached out and was a friend to me when i needed it so if you want to tak or anything email me at [email protected]

[Mirage]

Wow, bud. You have one hell of a story.

I never had to move. I'll give you that. But I have had to deal with losing friends. In fact, I'm dealing with that right now.

You need to listen here. Crying is NOT pathetic. It helps you. It really does. Realize that we are here to help, and no one is going to turn you away. If you ever need to talk to me, you know where to hit me up. Stay strong bud.

Another excellent answer that truly would have mirrored my own had I posted before. So sorry about how you are feeling, it happens to the best of us from time to time. I've been semi-suicidal before as well and it took me forever to get "better". Which I act like I am, but still am not. Nor probably will ever be.

Good luck with everything.

[alex4nder]

Another long post here, though mostly of replies so bear with me..

There are so many of us here to support you every step of the way but I really think you need to talk to one of your friends, to have someone on the ground over there to help you.

See, that's just it.. i kinda have no one i can talk about things.. with moving, school, my denial.. it all went wrong somewhere along the way and i lost pretty much each and every friend i had.

Now i used to be pretty good at making friends as a kid.. or maybe it's easier when you're so much younger, but approaching people now, trying to make contact.. it really just fills me with dread because in my mind, who'd ever want to friend someone like me?

I think the end of the bullying is near. I just dont know how people can actually make peoples lives like this. It saddens me greatly.
Lastly, If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here.[/QUOTE]

The bullying has ended.. i think in part because sometime ago, not sure when, something just clicked in my head that made me go 'Even if it leaves me a broken, bleeding husk on the floor, never again!'.

And i mean i will not back down, even if it kills me (literally) because i refuse to take anymore crap from some brain friend idiot who think it's fun to go around picking at other people for giggles.

But that might be my budding insanity talking, i don't know..

I just dont know how people can actually make peoples lives like this. It saddens me greatly.
Lastly, If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here.

About that, yes.. how some people go around, beating others down for fun or just because they can or whatever.. it's indeed very saddening and i'll never understand it.. how i wish people could just learn to live together without causing grief to each other.. but that's something that will never happen. :(

The only reason i am alive today is because a stranger reached out and was a friend to me when i needed it so if you want to tak or anything email me at [email protected]

Thank you for the offer, it is greatly appreciated.

So sorry about how you are feeling, it happens to the best of us from time to time. I've been semi-suicidal before as well and it took me forever to get "better". Which I act like I am, but still am not. Nor probably will ever be.

Some days are better than others.. mostly, during day time i can deal, but as i might've mentioned, come night time, like now and.. i think i'm actually glad that i'm such a coward, since if i wasn't i would have probably taken my life by now, around the time i made my first post on this topic.

But i'm scared of trying (and of pain, i think), because if i did try only to fail, that would truly break me for good.

Again, i thank you all for the responses.. i appreciate all of them, as they do give me some comfort in addition of making me feel slightly better. :)