Triggered....

[Nevermore]

So I got triggered in a major way. And this is not something I should be triggered by, but want to recover, but what does my ED make me think... I want to be that sickly thin. When I think healthy first thing I think of is fat. I feel obese right now, and I'm no where near a healthy weight. I'm over 20 lbs underweight right now. My friend from treatment is 68 lbs. She was hospitalized for a seizure. What does my eating disorder think of that? It thinks wow... your clearly not thin enough, she was thin enough, look how good she looks, she wasn't a failure like you are you fat bitch. I feel awful about myself because i'm not in the hospital for dehydration or for seizures because of my ED. I'm not sure what my weight is. last time I checked it was 97 and I'm sure I gained. I feel awful and not strong that I'm not 68 lbs. I hate myself for it. I want to cut so badly because i'm so "weak." I don't know what to do! I need to lose weight now and fast... I can't deal with this anymore.. I don't know how to be not triggered.... help!

[flumeendeavors]

Its okay. I totally get where youre coming from. Lately ive been kind of switching in and out of recovery because i feel like im not really doing this for myself.. im just doing it for all the people i care about because i dont want to let them down. So like i said - i understand. But you know dear - every girl with ana is different. I learnt after my own friend was hospitalized for a seizure from anorexia that each body reacts differently to eating disorders. Just remember though that it is exactly that - a disorder. You can get through this. I know you will. There are people around to support you and if you really dont want to go back to that world then you will accept their help. Talk to someone, be it a friend, parent, teacher, or psychologist. You need to find a positive way to let your feelings out in a way that doesnt leave a scar. My entire body is covered in horrible deep scars that wont ever go away (in some cases). Little kids ask me all the time what happened and it sucks because they are so innocent and i have no clue what to tell them. Trust me - if you keep going down this path, nothing will get better. I dont know how bad your ed was before but at my lowest weight i was 82 pounds and my hair was falling out, my teeth hurt, my bones always hurt, i developped a bone condition that i have to get surgery for, and im always cold. I know how hard the journey of recovery is - ive travelled it many times before and ive failed every time until this past month. Im 26 days clean from cutting and eating disorder issues. You dont have to do this alone if you dont want to. :) <3 I know its scary because you have dealt with ana for so long that you dont know how to live without it but it does get better eventually. It takes a while - ill be honest with you. It takes a looong time.. but eventually it really does get better. The beginning will be the hardest but after about 3 weeks of actually trying to recover, it gets easier. The positive thoughts will start flooding in and after that comes positive body image. Trust me hun - it will get better if you choose to follow through. Im here if you need to talk <3

[Nevermore]

I can't seem to shake it though, and tonight I had cheesecake and frozen yogurt... I feel like such a pig. It was because my friend is in recovery and we met up and she begged me to eat with her to help her. It was hard for me but I did it. I didn't want to, but I did it for her. So now I'm freaking out, because it's inside me and I just want to get rid of it. And I'm a mess. Thank you for your response knowing someone feels the same is comforting. I have physical scars as well from myself unfortunately. It sucks. I know how you feel about them. My sister is ashamed of me, and so is my family. I don't feel alone in my eating disorder though. I feel amazing. As much as it hurts, I love it. I love everything about it. I love feeling empty and I have more friends now more than ever.

[XxMurderedKissesxX]

IM the same way. I want so badly to leave these demons behind,but every little bit I gain drives me crazy. I have to face my nasty reflection every morning,which in turns makes me want to cut or burn. Then I see these beautiful twig skinny chicks and think WOW thats what I USED to look like. The only thing I can tell u, is stay focused. Relaize that its not only an unhealthy addiction but also a deadly one. U deserve to feel happy and beautiful,to love urself and ur reflection. Be an example for those u are trying to recover. Show them its possible. That recovery makes u stronger,not weaker. XxStay stongxX. Ever wanna talk,lemme know. : )

[LavonneDaniels]

I feel like such a pig. It was because my friend is in recovery and we met up and she begged me to eat with her to help her. It was hard for me but I did it.