Electra Heart
March 21st, 2012, 06:46 PM
*DISCLAIMER* This is a novel... feel free to skip over my bullshit.
So, my friend and I have been friends for quite a while now, about 3 years. However, I've always been a bit weary of whether or not he actually gives a shit about me... Before we were friends, he used to torment me everyday of my life for a year. The first day of 6th grade, we were put on the exact same schedule because our last names are extremely close together, which also meant we had to sit together. Expecting him to be mean again, I was terrified. But, to my surprise, he acted totally normal, and we were inseparable that entire year, and the following summer. I'm a VERY naive, and distrusting person so it did take a while for me to get used to him. Along with him, I have another friend that was friends with him before I was (confusing sorry :whoops:). I always felt like, when I wasn't around, they'd talk about me behind my back, I had no proof so I didn't let it eat me up too much... So, last year (7th grade) we were all put into different divisions (our school calls them pods, basically, we all have different teachers for each subject at different parts of the school). That year, we all stayed fairly well connected but I noticed other friends and I began to drift apart so I got closer to him. I feel like he felt smothered so he went off with my other friend (the 3rd of the trio), basically making me feel alienated as he hung out with him WAY more. This past summer, we hung out a lot, but not NEARLY as much as before. My friendship with the other trio member was basically shattered by odd sexual tensions I'm not going into right now. He however, still remained close with him. Every time he came over he'd always say "Can we call him? I'm so BORED!" Maybe I'm just looking too deep into things but that genuinely hurt me, it was like he only wanted to hang out with me if the other was around. So finally this year, the whole pod thing, and a nasty break-up with my ex has basically shattered ANY true friendships I'd had before, excluding the other 2 members of our trio (The third, and I had worked things out and we are still friends). So, first day of school, I walk over to the table that we have all sat at for 3 years, to be greeted by stares. Stares of the other 2's friends, and of just total strangers. I was uncomfortable, but I sat anyway. During the month I tried this, it literally seemed like EVERYONE was attempting to not talk to me. I'd see my other 2 friends dart their eyes at me, and snicker. All year I had texted the first friend to hang out like we did in the summer, I nearly never got replies, if they were, it was usually no because he "didn't feel like it." The 2nd friend, and I seem to get along just fine, until HIS other friends come into the picture, it doesn't seem like they're TRYING to make me uncomfortable, but nonetheless I am, so I shuffle away awkwardly like I've become accustomed to doing. For the past 5 months, I've been sitting with a group of acquaintances at lunch, people I barely know, and rarely talk to. Earlier this week, I decided to take a stand, and repair our friendship. I sat down next to my 2 friends, and the stares were not nearly as bad as before, I try to talk, but I can never get a word in. The first words I can hear out of the 1st friend's mouth are to one of his other friends in his pod, "Dude, seriously, if anyone of my "friends" moved to Canada or something, I honestly wouldn't give a shit except for Brad." I have nothing against Brad, I like Brad, but who the fuck says that surrounded by a group of their friends TO a friend? I'm just starting to think that I've been played a fool. I have unofficially crossed him my ultimate list of 2 friends that I, y'know, see OFTEN. This leaves 2 friends, the 2nd from the trio (seems to be ok, besides the still-awkard sexual tension...), and my "girlfriend" who I feel extremely bad hanging out with because I have yet to tell her that I am not physically attracted to women in the slightest for the most part, but there is some emotional attraction to some. Well there you go, if you read this, you deserve a medal. My main question is, do you think it was something I did to fuck this all up? Am I at fault here? Honestly, I haven't really many any friends in 3 years so, I'd also like some advice to keep the 2 I have, thanks.
So, my friend and I have been friends for quite a while now, about 3 years. However, I've always been a bit weary of whether or not he actually gives a shit about me... Before we were friends, he used to torment me everyday of my life for a year. The first day of 6th grade, we were put on the exact same schedule because our last names are extremely close together, which also meant we had to sit together. Expecting him to be mean again, I was terrified. But, to my surprise, he acted totally normal, and we were inseparable that entire year, and the following summer. I'm a VERY naive, and distrusting person so it did take a while for me to get used to him. Along with him, I have another friend that was friends with him before I was (confusing sorry :whoops:). I always felt like, when I wasn't around, they'd talk about me behind my back, I had no proof so I didn't let it eat me up too much... So, last year (7th grade) we were all put into different divisions (our school calls them pods, basically, we all have different teachers for each subject at different parts of the school). That year, we all stayed fairly well connected but I noticed other friends and I began to drift apart so I got closer to him. I feel like he felt smothered so he went off with my other friend (the 3rd of the trio), basically making me feel alienated as he hung out with him WAY more. This past summer, we hung out a lot, but not NEARLY as much as before. My friendship with the other trio member was basically shattered by odd sexual tensions I'm not going into right now. He however, still remained close with him. Every time he came over he'd always say "Can we call him? I'm so BORED!" Maybe I'm just looking too deep into things but that genuinely hurt me, it was like he only wanted to hang out with me if the other was around. So finally this year, the whole pod thing, and a nasty break-up with my ex has basically shattered ANY true friendships I'd had before, excluding the other 2 members of our trio (The third, and I had worked things out and we are still friends). So, first day of school, I walk over to the table that we have all sat at for 3 years, to be greeted by stares. Stares of the other 2's friends, and of just total strangers. I was uncomfortable, but I sat anyway. During the month I tried this, it literally seemed like EVERYONE was attempting to not talk to me. I'd see my other 2 friends dart their eyes at me, and snicker. All year I had texted the first friend to hang out like we did in the summer, I nearly never got replies, if they were, it was usually no because he "didn't feel like it." The 2nd friend, and I seem to get along just fine, until HIS other friends come into the picture, it doesn't seem like they're TRYING to make me uncomfortable, but nonetheless I am, so I shuffle away awkwardly like I've become accustomed to doing. For the past 5 months, I've been sitting with a group of acquaintances at lunch, people I barely know, and rarely talk to. Earlier this week, I decided to take a stand, and repair our friendship. I sat down next to my 2 friends, and the stares were not nearly as bad as before, I try to talk, but I can never get a word in. The first words I can hear out of the 1st friend's mouth are to one of his other friends in his pod, "Dude, seriously, if anyone of my "friends" moved to Canada or something, I honestly wouldn't give a shit except for Brad." I have nothing against Brad, I like Brad, but who the fuck says that surrounded by a group of their friends TO a friend? I'm just starting to think that I've been played a fool. I have unofficially crossed him my ultimate list of 2 friends that I, y'know, see OFTEN. This leaves 2 friends, the 2nd from the trio (seems to be ok, besides the still-awkard sexual tension...), and my "girlfriend" who I feel extremely bad hanging out with because I have yet to tell her that I am not physically attracted to women in the slightest for the most part, but there is some emotional attraction to some. Well there you go, if you read this, you deserve a medal. My main question is, do you think it was something I did to fuck this all up? Am I at fault here? Honestly, I haven't really many any friends in 3 years so, I'd also like some advice to keep the 2 I have, thanks.