Relapsing in my Anorexia?

[Psychotic Desires]

In mid 2010, age 15 I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital after collapsing at work from not eating. I had lost 6kg in less than a month and I weighed 85lbs at the time of my admission. Whilst in hospital I was forced to follow a strict meal plan, I ended up getting released weighing 105lbs. I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa.

All through 2011 it was ups and downs, with depression and suicidal ideation. Two more psychiatric admissions were thrown in during the year, but not related to my eating disorder. I had finally gotten over it. I could eat normally without feeling guilty.

But now I think I'm relapsing, I hate my weight, I can't stand to look at myself. All I see is how fat and disgusting I am. I graduate this year from school and I can't bare the thought of going to prom/formal looking like this. I currently weigh 93lbs. 8lbs more than what I did at the time of my admission in 2010. I want to lose 27lbs. I want to weigh 66lbs, I know that I would hardly even be alive at that weight, but I don't care. I need to reach that weight.

When I first started having these thoughts I thought it was just going to be thoughts and that I could overcome them. But today I just spent $200 on exercise equipment, which I never did last time. I brought loads of low calorie foods (all under 20 calories) and I've started throwing away my meals and not eating at school anymore.

I'm really afraid I'm going to relapse, and this time, I honestly don't see me surviving it.

I have nobody I can tell. No counsellor, no doctor, no psychologists. It's hard to explain, but I can't go and see any of those. So that's not an option. I can't tell my parents either.

I'm having conflicted thoughts. I don't know if I'm happy about relapsing or sad. I don't know if I want recovery, or hell, if I even was recovering in the first place. All I can think about now, day in and day out, is losing this weight.

[Mortal Coil]

You aren't in danger of relapsing, you are relapsing. The fact that you're able to think logically about this shows that you are strong enough to get better without seeing a counselor or anyone, and like you said that's not a viable option anyway. Could you maybe check yourself into a hospital again? Or force yourself to eat even when you don't want to. It's hard, but you don't want to relapse or worse, do permanent damage to your body. You weigh 83 lbs. That's already really skinny. Try not to focus on looks; cover your mirror with black paper if you have to, just to stop yourself from seeing your reflection and starting to obsess again.

[Thunduhbuhlt]

You aren't in danger of relapsing, you are relapsing. The fact that you're able to think logically about this shows that you are strong enough to get better without seeing a counselor or anyone, and like you said that's not a viable option anyway. Could you maybe check yourself into a hospital again? Or force yourself to eat even when you don't want to. It's hard, but you don't want to relapse or worse, do permanent damage to your body. You weigh 83 lbs. That's already really skinny. Try not to focus on looks; cover your mirror with black paper if you have to, just to stop yourself from seeing your reflection and starting to obsess again.

Awesome answer...wanna add one thing.

You are in control of your body. Don't let your brain make you think that there is anything wrong with your looks. Fight it with all you have and don't let it take over again.

[Wonton]

I know looks matter to girls, and I'm a guy, but hear my out.

I have ADHD and in order to control my wakiness I take a concentration medicine called Concerta, which really helps but severely impacts my weight. Right now, I'm 14, and I'm still in the high 80's. It's not a good thing, especially when guys tell me how thin I am and push me around for it. but your not a girl, and my point is that there's a difference between being sexy skinny and being skeleton skinny. Guys don't like girls who are overly thin, at least i don't. considering that you're 4 years older than me, i think you should at least be in the 110-130 area. i'm sorry if I'm sounding negative about this, but I'm really just trying to help you out, and stop that relapse. Don't even bother looking in the mirror, looks aren't everything. if you're worried about that, then cover up your mirror like evil angel said and just be yourself. if it gets worse, check yourself into a hospital again until you are able to recover. Perhaps you might want to get a close friend to stay with you for a while to make sure you eat and don't try to lose weight.

-Stay strong, winston.

[peace.love.starving]

How tall are you??