Thanks to everyone.

[Lethe]

Thanks to everyone who's ever responded to my threads here. I'm sorry to say that no matter how much logical and helpful advice I've received, it's just never changed anything or helped anything. I'm still grateful though for the advice and the help, even if it hasn't exactly worked.

I was a fool to believe that not everyone is shallow. You're born ugly, you die alone. I know that now. I've always had a hope hidden away deep in the darkest recesses of my mind that SOMEONE out there might not care about looks at all or as much as everyone else, and that there might be SOMEONE out there that would actually like me. I was wrong. Oh boy, how wrong I was. You're born ugly, fat, with a bad body and face, you're done. Life is meaningless for you. I've traveled to four different states this week, did a visitation for college, and people are all the same. There is no "somebody" out there that isn't like the masses. If there is, he doesn't exist in the US. But then again, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't exist at all.

Dieting and exercise don't help. I've been hiking for two months, dieting and eating healthy, and I didn't lose any weight at all. Nothing will ever change. You get fat once, you're fat forever. All of the people on TV who've miraculously lost weight are fakes; they have surgery or take medication or force themselves to endure severely restricted diets that make them lose water weight first. I've been struggling with weight for 7+ years and no diet has ever helped me. But if I tried any of the things people do on TV, I'd probably blow up like a balloon and get even fatter. That's just my luck.

People only like those who are just like the people on TV. Maybe that's because they're the people that represent the masses. People like me don't. So it's no wonder I'm outcast and disliked! It's no wonder I'll never have a boyfriend or a husband or get to raise a family. Should I? I mean, how bad would I feel if my child turned out looking like me? It'd ruin his/her life for certain. Why would I put an innocent person through that?

All in all, I guess the truth has finally revealed itself to me. It's too bad I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide. Maybe I'll have a chance when I move to South Dakota and I die of carbon monoxide poisoning in my car. I can only hope.

[Amaryllis]

Dee. We understand you despise yourself and as someone with dysmorphia as well, I understand how it feels to never be good enough. To be ugly and worthless in your own eyes no matter what anyone else says. It feels impossible to conquer and love just seems a billion light years away.

People judge. I won't lie, they do. But that doesn't mean you won't ever find someone who cares for you. For what it's worth, I do. In fact it makes me feel a little guilty for not being able to help you. But the choice is up to you. Happiness is something in our heads.

I have friends who are clinically obese. My mother does. She met this intimidating woman with multiple piercings. The lady frightened my mother at first but in time my mum warmed to her. Her name was Carol and she was the loveliest, funniest, smartest woman I'd ever met. She had hundreds of friends and absolutely everyone wanted to be her best friend. Carol wasn't the "fat lady." She was kind, loving, cheerful Carol.

I'm heavier than I ever was. "Bigger" that almost all my friends. But I have friends. Nobody teases me, because they'd be ridiculed and punched if they did. I didn't earn my friends through being stick thin - because I had no friends when I was stick thin. People skirted around me like I was a maggot.

When I was younger, ever since I was a baby, my relatives and their friends would call me ugly and fat. They said I looked pregnant and would always ask me how many months. Somewhere along the line, I grew a backbone and I learned to grin and say "You want to hear my baby? She's 6 months old."

I think I'm ugly more often than not, Dee. That's partially why I work so hard to be the best in every other aspect. You know the saying "Beauty is only skin deep"? It isn't. I'm not going to try to convince you you're not ugly this time, because I know how hard it is to believe. But beauty is all of you. Right to your very core and outside, too, in the world around you. If you truly feel you're not pretty, then change what you can.

Weight only measures this much. They're numbers on a scale. Your eyes are there to see. Your nose is there to smell. Your lips are there to eat and talk. Your hair is there to protect your head. Your hands, legs, spin, tummy, everything. They're a blessing.

Your physical appearance might attract people to talk to you but are you sure it'll make them stay? Face lifts are silly. Because wrinkles are there to show you've lived. We all age and physical beauty fades. Your personality is what will make them stay.

Point is, Dee. People do look pass your appearance. Maybe not during the first 5 minutes of talking to you. Well, no. Smile. It makes a world of difference. I don't want to lie to you. I want to be prettier. But at the expense of my life?

How many hours, days, weeks, months and years have you burned through, Dee? How many chunks of your life have been wasted, crying at your reflection, screaming at the scale, running and hiking those unbearable mountains, counting those calories and being trapped in your head with thoughts of something as short lasting as your appearance? how many, Dee?

For all I know, anorexia has chopped my lifespan by 25 years. It's hard to think and move, when I walk, I can feel my bones scratching and cracking against one another. Regret. Sometimes that's all I feel for weeks. I still remember the feel of my skin being stretched too far over my skeleton, the dozens of times a needle had to poke me to find a not-too-thin-vein, the everyday nights when I'd stay awake because sleep was too much of a blessing to have with Ana, the hours I'd run on the treadmill, wanting to scream and die from the constant droning pain of my body keeping me alive, the friends I'd lost who would look at me like I was a disgusting worm and all the hours of standing, comparing the calories between a cherry tomato and roma tomato.

Our stories aren't the same. But I know what it's like to be fat, what it's like to be thin and everything in between. And believe me when I say being overweight is much better than being underweight. I'd rather be teased (though now I'm not, since I've learned to make up for my delusional ugliness with the best personality I can muster) about being "big" than be in so much pain, misery and confinement that I don't even care about the very things I love the most, much less what anyone else thinks.

I've been overweight, normal and underweight. And I hated myself at every stage. We're chasing after something that doesn't exist, Dee. We're chasing our delusion of perfection. A person with an unpleasant personality will not be loved no matter how s/he looks. Change what matters. Your mindset and actions.

Look beyond your appearance and -live-. It's easier said than done but never impossible. Life is too short to be wasted on society and the media's ridiculous expectations. I don't love how I look, I hate my eating disorders and dysmorphia even more, but my personality and the things I do - that, at least, I can be proud of.

Beauty may capture your attention, but personality captures your heart.

[Lethe]

Thanks for your response. You've found your niche. I'll never find mine. It's unfortunate, but you weren't even ugly or fat to begin with. I am, and always will be. It sucks, but that's the way the world works. Thanks again for putting so much effort and care into your response.