NewGuy123
March 16th, 2012, 03:27 PM
For about three years now, I’ve been battling with myself in my head about my sexuality. I'm not really sure where I stand and every time I try to come to some sort of logical conclusion, I just end up re-visiting the same, hopeless circle of thoughts again. I've come here hoping you guys can shed some light upon my situation, so here goes...
For as long as I can remember, I've always been attracted to girls. I'm 19 years old and I’ve spent the best part of my childhood/teenage years chasing after girls, having major crushes on them, falling in love etc. There’s been a total of 8 girls over the last 8-9 years which I’ve really fell in love with, mixed with various other girls who I’ve had crushes on. My most recent of these was my ex-girlfriend of 18 months, who I had a great time with until my friends started going out nightclubbing every weekend and living the party lifestyle, which was also what I wanted so we parted ways. As well as great emotional connections, I’ve been very sexually active with these girls. I’ve really enjoyed this as well, although there have been times with new girls that haven’t been great. A few times, I’ve failed to get an erection, even though I’ve really wanted to have sex with them? (I’m not sure whether this is because of nerves, or because it’s on my mind that it’s happened before, so I fear that it will happen again and it does). It’s funny to note that I had this same problem with my ex-girlfriend the first few times, but once I became comfortable with her it very rarely happened again. I used to be very shy when I was at school with girls so I never had as much success as other guys, however I started to change this when I left school by doing a lot of studying and research about how to be attractive to girls and this had worked very well for me since.
Anyway, onto the problem I have. When I was about 14 years old, I discovered a masturbation technique involving the prostate gland (which is in a man’s butt) and it sort of blew me away, I’d never experienced pleasure like it. I reluctantly told my friends and some of them went onto try it and said it was great whilst others denied ever doing it. I’ve always been very adventurous so this could be why. Ever since that day, I’ve sort of become obsessed with fantasizing about pleasure in this region, which has eventually led to me fantasizing about guys. My fantasies when masturbating about this particular incident involve being penetrated by a man (because of the penis and the prostate is in the butt), watching gay pornography and this has been happening for about 2-3 years now. I’ve never been sexually attracted to guys or emotionally attracted to guys before, but now, it seems it’s all I can fantasize about? I mean, I love girls and I enjoy having sex with girls, after all, they’re beautiful. But when it comes to masturbating, it’s all I can think about. I very rarely find the guy himself attractive, unless he’s similar to a brad pitt look-a-like in which case nobody in the world would say no, but rather just the actual act of anal sex and the penis itself.
I’ve never done anything sexually with a guy before and the real thing in a real life scenario seems far less appealing than the fantasy does. However, this whole thing is driving me crazy. I fear that I’m going to lose everything that makes me, me. I want to be in relationships with women and I want to be having sex with women. Whenever I go on a date with a girl or ‘pull a girl’ on a night out it makes me feel great and it’s very enjoyable. I just worry that this whole situation is going to turn me into a different person and it seems whatever I try and do to resolve this, it doesn’t help? I’ve pretty much resolved to thinking, “I’m going to have to have a sexual experience with a guy to see if this is all just a fantasy or if I really would enjoy it?”
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Gay or Bi-Sexual people and I actually admire some of these people for ‘coming out’ in todays prejudiced society as it takes a lot of courage.. I even work with a gay-guy who I went to school with and we get along great. I just feel as though it’s not who I am and it’s making me unhappy feeling like this. I feel happiest when I’m with girls.
Thanks for reading. I know it’s a bit of an essay but I really needed to get that off my chest. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
For as long as I can remember, I've always been attracted to girls. I'm 19 years old and I’ve spent the best part of my childhood/teenage years chasing after girls, having major crushes on them, falling in love etc. There’s been a total of 8 girls over the last 8-9 years which I’ve really fell in love with, mixed with various other girls who I’ve had crushes on. My most recent of these was my ex-girlfriend of 18 months, who I had a great time with until my friends started going out nightclubbing every weekend and living the party lifestyle, which was also what I wanted so we parted ways. As well as great emotional connections, I’ve been very sexually active with these girls. I’ve really enjoyed this as well, although there have been times with new girls that haven’t been great. A few times, I’ve failed to get an erection, even though I’ve really wanted to have sex with them? (I’m not sure whether this is because of nerves, or because it’s on my mind that it’s happened before, so I fear that it will happen again and it does). It’s funny to note that I had this same problem with my ex-girlfriend the first few times, but once I became comfortable with her it very rarely happened again. I used to be very shy when I was at school with girls so I never had as much success as other guys, however I started to change this when I left school by doing a lot of studying and research about how to be attractive to girls and this had worked very well for me since.
Anyway, onto the problem I have. When I was about 14 years old, I discovered a masturbation technique involving the prostate gland (which is in a man’s butt) and it sort of blew me away, I’d never experienced pleasure like it. I reluctantly told my friends and some of them went onto try it and said it was great whilst others denied ever doing it. I’ve always been very adventurous so this could be why. Ever since that day, I’ve sort of become obsessed with fantasizing about pleasure in this region, which has eventually led to me fantasizing about guys. My fantasies when masturbating about this particular incident involve being penetrated by a man (because of the penis and the prostate is in the butt), watching gay pornography and this has been happening for about 2-3 years now. I’ve never been sexually attracted to guys or emotionally attracted to guys before, but now, it seems it’s all I can fantasize about? I mean, I love girls and I enjoy having sex with girls, after all, they’re beautiful. But when it comes to masturbating, it’s all I can think about. I very rarely find the guy himself attractive, unless he’s similar to a brad pitt look-a-like in which case nobody in the world would say no, but rather just the actual act of anal sex and the penis itself.
I’ve never done anything sexually with a guy before and the real thing in a real life scenario seems far less appealing than the fantasy does. However, this whole thing is driving me crazy. I fear that I’m going to lose everything that makes me, me. I want to be in relationships with women and I want to be having sex with women. Whenever I go on a date with a girl or ‘pull a girl’ on a night out it makes me feel great and it’s very enjoyable. I just worry that this whole situation is going to turn me into a different person and it seems whatever I try and do to resolve this, it doesn’t help? I’ve pretty much resolved to thinking, “I’m going to have to have a sexual experience with a guy to see if this is all just a fantasy or if I really would enjoy it?”
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Gay or Bi-Sexual people and I actually admire some of these people for ‘coming out’ in todays prejudiced society as it takes a lot of courage.. I even work with a gay-guy who I went to school with and we get along great. I just feel as though it’s not who I am and it’s making me unhappy feeling like this. I feel happiest when I’m with girls.
Thanks for reading. I know it’s a bit of an essay but I really needed to get that off my chest. Any help would be greatly appreciated.