the long list of many days

[the_chef_of_your_lif]

I thought that the winter, december particularly, was going to be rough since last year, my bf cheated.. Proud to report that there has been signs of nothing but loyalty and a 'pre-engagement ring'. it's a promise ring but it might as well be an engagement ring..

so here starts the long rant/venting excerpt of my mind that i really needed to get out..

I haven't cut since before school started which was in august.. I guess I'm proud but the feelings haven't gone away much. I still have the urge. Almost everytime a razor gets too dull to shave how I like with, i think of taking it apart and cutting. Not something I'm proud of or will even admit to my bf or any family that would actually do something to help me.. which is slim to none.. but anyway

I've been getting really stressed out easily. And when I mean easily i mean when i'm setting tables at my work and someone moves the coffee cup slightly, i get pissed off.. so anyways another thing that has set me off, and i mean this in the breakdown and cry until i fall asleep way is that, every night or every other night, i seriously cry myself to sleep. it's been like this for a while now so it just seems normal and to me that seems safe because normal is safe and right now nothing really seems safe or stable and i'm constantly feeling the need to get out of where ever i am..

SO ANYWAYAAASS... i've been having this dream the past few days and in it i'm having this really bad fall out. shaking, unable to respond or comprehend anything said to me, crying/hyperventilating. the works you know? So then it skips to me being okay and my boyfriend and somewhere.. I think it was in my room but i don't remember. but he said that he can't stay with me. He really loves me and he wants to help me, but he can't handle the mental and emotional instability of me so he's leaving until i get a hold on myself and i don't freak out anymore. and then i wake up.

Well the second to last time which was saturday night he spent the night. surprisingly we didn't have sex like normal which was really nice even though he made me feel bad for it because his 'little friend" was wanting to say hi since he gets hard quick. which is seriously annoying. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep on him because he said I needed to get some sleep I really did..I had the dream and I woke up and started crying. He asked me if it was because of a dream and i said yes because i hate lying to him more than i already have to because he'll worry too much if i don't tell him i'm fine.. I told him the dream and he said that people with anxiety problems as bad as mine should not be left and abandoned and that he couldn't and wouldn't leave me because he loves me too much.

Now I fully believe that because we've been through so much bullshit and we're still going through some rough times in our lives that there isn't much that can pull us apart.. but the dreams haven't stopped. yes i've had more dreams where he's had reasons for leaving me or he's hit me and shit like that..

But in all honesty, i'm really scared. I was on vikes for when i had my wisdom teeth pulled and it made me a zombie pretty much and that's what I want during the week. to just be there and not deal with shit. I want to be back on my anti-depressants because, no they didn't help with the depression, i felt horrible, but a lot of the time i felt like i was in the air or dreaming. i miss the feeling of not being part of reality. i hate it and it sucks because i'm constantly on the verge of freaking out on everything and everyone and then i feel bad and then i want to cry and scream and punch a hole in my wall or run.. not to mention the uneasy feeling i'm getting from knowing that my birthday is saturday and i'm afraid my dad will yell and bitch and scream just like last year..

I don't really feel better since i know i'll probably just get more grief for even posting this but honestly i don't care anymore. i just dont.. i just want to be able to feel normal again and i don't really remember what that feels like since i feel like i'm going crazy

[Smeagol]

Do you think that you could go see somebody like a counsellor about your anxiety problems? You are going through a lot with cutting and your bf cheating once (but since he hasn't done it since he probably won't again) but escape from reality really isn't the answer. I know that it feels good now, but the only way to live a happy and successful life is to face problems and get your life back on track to have a better future. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. :hug:

[the_chef_of_your_lif]

Do you think that you could go see somebody like a counsellor about your anxiety problems? You are going through a lot with cutting and your bf cheating once (but since he hasn't done it since he probably won't again) but escape from reality really isn't the answer. I know that it feels good now, but the only way to live a happy and successful life is to face problems and get your life back on track to have a better future. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. :hug:

i have gone to a counsellor before but it was my school's guidence counsellor. I don't have the time or the money to go to a professional unfortunently.

I did however admit to my boyfriend about the urge to cut. And cry for an hour. This was his answer after i told him that he said he'd leave for a bit if i did and I quote; "That is the only way i can protect you. I don't want you to get as bad as I was and almost kill yourself. And I know that is the only thing keeping you from cutting." Ding ding ding, we have a winner.. he is right. so far that is the only reason i haven't cut. But now, since he's told me that he's still struggling to stay clean from it makes it easier to bear since i know i'm not alone with me and him.

And I know that it's not a good thing, but hopefully after this school year is over and I start my early college classes at the university, I'll get better. There are too many memories in those halls at my school..

And thanks for the offer. I will and you're more than welcome to do the same:yes: