Hello again

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

I've not been on here in... Well a long time. I don't have friends on here and I found it too triggering while I was stopping.

However, I've fell back into it. I had stopped for about a year, maybe more. And now I'm back to the old way I was - though not as bad as cutting everyday. I'm getting referred to the Adult Mental Health service again, and I've got a meeting with a nurse tomorrow that will be seeing if I'm fit for my nursing placement and I'm terrified.

I don't even know what's wrong with me. All I can think about it cutting and how I don't want to eat and when I do eat (because I'm fortunate to not have an ED) I hate myself for it. I'm not bad enough to be depressed or anything like that. I show systems of mental illnesses - mostly depression - but I don't think I'm extreme enough to have it.

I've also been having suicidal thoughts, but I know I don't have the courage to kill myself, so don't worry. But yes, hello again. I'm still a wreck.

[CuriousDestruction]

-hugs- good to see you back. I just came back after leaving for a long long time. The only thing wrong with you is that you are going through a rough patch in life. It happens. But that doesn't mean you couldn't use some help. I hope everything works out.

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Hey. Thanks *hugs back* My main problem is that people act as though what I'm doing is wrong. Its like they're ashamed of me and think I should be ashamed to and it drives me mad. And my mum found out and that just makes it worse.

I'm so tired of it all, you know?

[RustyRockets]

Hi Morgan

I think it's worth remembering that things can seem darkest and at their worst when you are nervous about an upcoming event. It gives you something to stress over, which can make everything else in your life slip back a little. You mentioned that you're just about to have a meeting regarding a placement and it is scaring you - that could well be a trigger for you now and you might find things calm down a little when you know the outcome for sure. Hold on and I'm really confident you will see your health improve again!

Another important thing is that you had gone maybe 12 months without self-harming, which is huge! Those days and weeks and months never go away; they are always there for you to look back on and say "oh yeah, I was that strong, that was all me". Be proud of what you achieved and let it reassure you that you can do it all again :)

Best of luck!
Rus

[PoisonedRazorBlades]

Yeah. The appointment was today and it was the trigger for my cutting last night. But I had what my friend thinks was the start of a panic attack hours after the meeting. I don't know what's wrong. I've been like this for about a year not, maybe just less, and the only huge thing that's changed is that I started uni in September. I don't know.

Either way, thank you. Your comment about looking back and thinking that I can stop again made me smile. I just feel so weak most of them. Its hard to think with so much noise in my head, you know? There's so many thoughts and so many worries in there that I can't even sort through them all any more and its making me feel crazy. Cutting helps to ease that 'noise'. That sounds crazy, I know. Its not voices or anything.

I'm always getting these weird urges. I had one today in my panic attack thing where I was sitting on the floor next to my mirror and I just wanted to smash my head against it and see if I could break the mirror. I usually get ones for jumping out of moving cars. Those make me feel crazy.

(Yes, this thread is just going to be a lot of me whining and ranting.)

[RustyRockets]

How did the appointment go? It is at least one more thing that's behind you now, so you can focus on your health.

I'm at uni and my mental health has been a problem during that time. I've been to the very lows, like when I had to agree to miss a whole year because I had become too unwell to function. But there is always an upside - I'm back now, hanging in there, just like you and your previous comments would suggest to me that you have enough strength to see it through and come out the other side just fine!

I guess in short what I'm saying is this - you have some great examples of being strong and healthy in your past and obviously a lot of drive to be that way again in the future. Hang in there and the present will take care of itself before you even realise it! :)

Rus

[Mortal Coil]

You quit once, that's more than a lot of us can say. You're really strong and now that the appointment is behind you, like Stu said, you can focus on quitting again. Good luck :)