The boy I love

[dajakesta10]

I have to get something off of my chest. It's eating me from inside. I, myself, am a guy. I've admitted to bisexuality both on here and in real life, but I've never had an actual boyfriend. I've had sex a few times, meaningless sex with guys and girls, but never a proper homo relationship. This is, until now. I caught him looking at me. That same awkward smile with those plump, untouched cheeks. Those deep brown eyes, so easy to lose yourself in. I don't remember exactly how our first conversation went, and I don't even understand why we became friends, but we did. I knew there was a connection from the start. It wasn't like all of those awkward little guy crushes I'd had before, this meant something. I knew from our very first 10 minutes together that we both felt the same. He looked at me so closely. He gazed into my eyes as I gazed back into his. For weeks this went on, being hopelessly lost with eachother. At this point, he wasn't the only thing on my mind. In fact, he wasn't even very high up on my priorities. I had many friends, my GCSEs, loads of coursework and a recovery from self-harm to contend with and a love life was the last thing I needed. But it stuck. This didn't just go on for weeks, but months. The time we spent together became longer, and longer. We walked to school together, spent break and lunch times together and walked home together. Quite often, I also stayed afterschool with him to support him through detentions and join him in clubs. Life was quite good with a new friend, until he told me something that consumed all of my thoughts thereafter. He told me he was suicidal. He didn't just say he wanted to kill himself, but he said he wanted to kill himself with me. He wanted us both to die together, in eachothers arms. If I do, in fact, know what love is, then I know I'll never feel the same way about anybody else, and I can't lose him. Since he told me this, he's taken over my entire life. My grades turned to shit (pardon the word "to"), and I lost all of my other friends. Every waking moment, which both was and wasn't that long (because of my insomnia, never truely asleep, never truely awake), was spent thinking of him. Every moment with him is spent either in his arms or with him in mine. Everytime somebody walks by, they either flash us a look and walk off, awkwardly, or stand there and laugh. I love him. But I love him too much to let him die. He said that we could run away, instead. We could steal some money and some booze and go to london, live wherever we wanted, died of starvation or living it up in a mansion, neither would matter as long as we had each other. What should I do? I've ruled out suicide entirely. I don't want to die, not anymore. Please help :(

[trzxv515]

Hi Jason! I feel for you in the first part of your story. I actually am in the same position right now. Anyway, I think that you should stop and breathe for a while and think things through. Do you really love him? Or are you just in love with the concept of someone loving you back? If you do really love him, does he love you back as much as you do?

I believe that to truly love someone, you should always think for the good of that person. Instead of letting him take over your life, why not try to work it out and be the dominant in your relationship for once? Influence him to think of good things instead of suicide. It takes two to tango, so to speak. Grab him from his irrational thoughts and let real love take over. I hope you don't mind me asking but what is the problem behind him wanting to die or leave that place so much?

[dajakesta10]

I guess I just don't want him to be alone :/ I don't want him to die, just for there to be nothing afterward. He wants to die, not because he hates his life, but because he hates the world around him, which I feel, myself, all the time. We both hate the way people look at us, the way we're not accepted in so many ways, but I don't think suicide is the option for him. Running away would have the impact that he wants, but he wouldn't want to return. No matter how much people say it, we would love it if we ran away. Yes, it would be scary and we'd be alone, but that's what we want. I guess I'm just scared of what's to come next in my life. If it's not with him, I've got nothing. I've left all of my previous friends.

I guess I'd thought that it was just the concept of being loved back, but then I remember our first meeting. We just caught each other's eye. He could have come up to me and taken the piss, I had no idea what he was thinking. I just knew that I liked him from the start.

[trzxv515]

He won't be alone as long as you stick up with him. And I know it is easier said than done, but fuck the world. Fuck everyone else. Running away doesn't guarantee the acceptance and happiness both of you are craving for. You could be in a worse situation for all we know. People come and go, but friends will stay; maybe not physically but emotionally. Have you taken into consideration the possibility that perhaps you are feeling that way because it's like a fantasy come true - a love at first sight just like how you are telling it. I'm not doubting your love for him or whatever. I just want you to realise and think through things thoroughly. Also, you may be lovers but he does not need to take over your life. You are still your own person. My mum always tells me that every time you love someone, you should always keep something for yourself for we cannot fully love others without loving ourselves first.

I hope both of you will be happy :) I'm pretty sure you will. :D

[dajakesta10]

He just blocked me from facebook. I already know exactly what happened. I know that his mother saw our conversations and decided it would be best if he stopped talking to me. I'm completely fucked. He's not going to want to talk anymore, but I need him. Oh fuck :'(

[dajakesta10]

I guess if he really cares he won't stop.

[trzxv515]

I guess if he really cares he won't stop.

Don't lose hope yet. :) We can never tell what's going to happen next. He could have been really hurting as well for all we know. But I think you should slowly move on now. If he blocked you off from his life then it means your relationship is not his first priority.

[dajakesta10]

He's just explained to me what's happened; his mother saw our conversations and forced him to deactivate his account. He's still reactivating it, just to talk to me. But at the moment, it sounds like he's right on the edge. Just waiting for a rescue, I guess. I suggested that we start a band. He seemed to like the idea because he plays the keyboard, himself, while I can play guitar, drums, violin, piano, bass, and sing, confidently.

[trzxv515]

He's just explained to me what's happened; his mother saw our conversations and forced him to deactivate his account. He's still reactivating it, just to talk to me. But at the moment, it sounds like he's right on the edge. Just waiting for a rescue, I guess. I suggested that we start a band. He seemed to like the idea because he plays the keyboard, himself, while I can play guitar, drums, violin, piano, bass, and sing, confidently.

In a way, that's sort of a good news then :yeah: Just be there for him. Ekk, that's cool as! You're so musically talented :yes: