Log in

View Full Version : Heartfelt Appeal


Recreated
March 8th, 2012, 12:54 PM
My name is Enigo Montoya. Yes, I know, Princess Bride. This is my story, this is my song.

Chapter One

It was a plain October day about an hour after school. I hang out in the library afterwards, so nobody was around. I walked by a portable, and I saw a kid with a knife going at the worst bully in school, Caleb Padilla. I ran away to call the police, and I heard a bloodcurdling scream. I was frantic for someone to pick up.

'Nine-One-One, what's your emergency?''

''Ma'am, I just saw a kid with a knife go at a student at school, and I heard a scream!''

''Sir, I need you to calm down. Where are you?''

''Sam Houston Intermediate School. Please, come quickly!''

I hung up, and ran back to the place. The kid had left, and the boy way lying on the ground, a flowing wound in his stomach. He saw me, and motioned for me to quickly come closer. I conceded.

''Enigo,'' he moaned softly as sirens began to wail, ''It was Brady Salazar, a friend of Bryson Correl, a kid I pushed in the hallway a day ago. I'm so sorry. To you, to your friends, to everybody. I really am. Don't let Brady get away with this. You are my only hope. Your name is Enigo Montoya, and I am preparing to die. just do this one thing, for me.''

His eyes rolled back in his head and his body went limp. Just then, I noticed sirens had ceased. I ran into the open, and waved the authorities over. They followed me to the boy, who, by the way, his name was Caleb Padilla.

One of the policemen fainted. The other came to speak to me, first radioing to the ambulance to send paramedics with the white sheet.

''Son,'' he said slowly, ''What did you see?''

''I saw a tall Hispanic kid named Brady Salazar approach this boy, Caleb Padilla, with a five inch long knife,'' I began, ''And I ran about fifty feet away to call you guys. I heard a scream, the operator picked up, and I told her what happened. I then came back, and he said his last words to me, and he died in my arms. He was stabbed in the stomach. He told me he had pushed a friend of the perpetrator a day ago.''

The paramedics came and took the kid away, the sketch artist came, and I gave him a description of Brady. They called my mother to come pick me up. She was stricken and wanted to make sure I was okay. On the way home, I realized I was the only witness, and this was going to be a long uphill battle.

Yehudis13
March 8th, 2012, 01:07 PM
This story is off to a good start, but it needs some work. First of all, where is everyone else, what is the setting? Secondly, if you hit send repeatedly you will get disconnected because you will end up calling someone else. You should have said Caleb's name at the beginning, and not added it in with a 'by the way'. You need to show expressions using punctuatation. When the boy calls 9-1-1, he speaks to the operator calmly, but she tells him to calm down.

Just a few tips.

Recreated
March 8th, 2012, 01:45 PM
Edited

Yehudis13
March 8th, 2012, 10:07 PM
Edited

Much better. But he was murdered in the library?