Zeh Crazy
March 7th, 2012, 06:27 PM
I have to say this. I could tell someone in person, but I don't believe I have very many people willing to listen to anything I say, let alone listen to this particular thing when others are dealing with it as well. I don't want to put any more grief on anyone else about it. Besides, I'd rather tell someone who is totally impartial and outside of the whole situation anyway.
I have had so many mixed emotions after the death of one of my best friends last October. ...Thing is, he's more than a friend. I never told him how I felt right before he passed, because I have a boyfriend, and I thought it'd complicate things more. I wanted my feelings for him to not be true, because I thought it could ruin our friendship. I just wanted it to be easy, and stay with my current boyfriend (I'm still dating him.)
I've known my friend who passed since we were both 4 years old in pre-school. We had watched each other grow up. When we were 12, he admitted to having feelings for me. Apparently, as we reached our teen years, these feelings got stronger with him. We had a little group of friends back then and we thought that all of us would never split up and that we'd always be friends. But when one of our friends moved, we all weren't the same and didn't hang out as much. I had feelings for him from the ages of 12-14. In fact, by 14, I thought I was in love with him. He told me that I was too young to know if I was actually in love instead of just having feelings. I didn't fully trust his feelings for me, so I pushed him to the breaking point. I wanted to see exactly how much he felt for me. I hurt him...
After that, we stopped talking for a while. Whether his feelings for me were gone by then, I don't know. In school after that, we were very hostile to each other at times, and we stopped hanging out completely. Then we started being friends again when I was about 16. He said he was sorry for hurting me and being so mean to me in school. He admitted he still had feelings for me, but I didn't really feel at the time that I still did. He said he was in love with me. I still didn't want to date him because I just wanted to be friends. Then I started dating my current boyfriend and all Hell broke loose. He was so much more depressed... :( And jealous beyond belief, but he was never mean to me.
Towards the very end, before he passed, I wondered again if I had feelings for him. When he was taken from this world, I felt how it was to be without him once again. I started thinking about the littlest things about him that made me so happy. His hugs, how he could always make me laugh, how he was always there to talk, even if I didn't want to talk to him about anything. I took him for granted, and I feel so guilty. I never really belived his feelings for me. When I started thinking back, I found all of the love and realized that he really did love me when he said he did. I don't know if he did right up until the accident that took him away from us, but I like to hope he did. I'm convinced that no one will ever love me like he did.
I remember when the accident happened and he was lying bleeding on the highway. I stayed right there with him, trying to keep him calm, telling him over and over again that I love him. I don't know if he heard me and that really hurts. The thought of him not knowing how much he meant to me and believing up until that point that I didn't have feelings for him. He was trying to push everyone away because he was confused. He had fallen off the back bumper of a Ford Explorer while driving fast along the highway. I was window surfing in the passenger side. The vehicle suddenly stopped and we all rushed to him. He split his skull and his brain shifted in his skull. He had severe bleeding and swelling on his brain. Everything was such a shock, but I couldn't cry. Everyone was crying hysterically, but I just stayed right there with him, holding his head in my lap. Thas when I felt the indentions in his skull...
We were all scared to call an ambulance. I wish I would've went with my gut instinct and called anyway. Maybe that would've helped save him... I feel so guilty about that. We were all just teenagers, and we didn't really know what to do. After the accident, I also realized that my best friend maybe saved my life. I had been standing on the back bumper almost all day when someone was driving the Explorer. My friend told me to get up front because he thought I wasn't strong enough to hold on to the grip on the top of the vehicle...But he was the one who wasn't. :( Before we all either got on the window ledges of the vehicle or on the back bumper, I had asked if we couldn't walk to where we were going, but I guess no one wanted to...
To my best friend, I am eternally grateful, because that could've been me lying on the highway. In truth, sometimes I wish it was. Things will never be the same without him. I wonder if there's a Heaven or Hell, which one he's in. If he can see me now somehow. We had so many plans in the future. As soon as we were both out of school, we were going to get away from our small town and travel all over. I could've very easily fallen in love with him...all over again. Now I will never know.
I just don't know what to do. Being with my boyfriend makes me feel very guilty sometimes because of my friend's death. It's causing some problems in our relationship because even though I deny having feelings for my friend who passed, he still knows I do.
I had to get this off my chest and tell someone. Sorry that it's pretty much a book...
I have had so many mixed emotions after the death of one of my best friends last October. ...Thing is, he's more than a friend. I never told him how I felt right before he passed, because I have a boyfriend, and I thought it'd complicate things more. I wanted my feelings for him to not be true, because I thought it could ruin our friendship. I just wanted it to be easy, and stay with my current boyfriend (I'm still dating him.)
I've known my friend who passed since we were both 4 years old in pre-school. We had watched each other grow up. When we were 12, he admitted to having feelings for me. Apparently, as we reached our teen years, these feelings got stronger with him. We had a little group of friends back then and we thought that all of us would never split up and that we'd always be friends. But when one of our friends moved, we all weren't the same and didn't hang out as much. I had feelings for him from the ages of 12-14. In fact, by 14, I thought I was in love with him. He told me that I was too young to know if I was actually in love instead of just having feelings. I didn't fully trust his feelings for me, so I pushed him to the breaking point. I wanted to see exactly how much he felt for me. I hurt him...
After that, we stopped talking for a while. Whether his feelings for me were gone by then, I don't know. In school after that, we were very hostile to each other at times, and we stopped hanging out completely. Then we started being friends again when I was about 16. He said he was sorry for hurting me and being so mean to me in school. He admitted he still had feelings for me, but I didn't really feel at the time that I still did. He said he was in love with me. I still didn't want to date him because I just wanted to be friends. Then I started dating my current boyfriend and all Hell broke loose. He was so much more depressed... :( And jealous beyond belief, but he was never mean to me.
Towards the very end, before he passed, I wondered again if I had feelings for him. When he was taken from this world, I felt how it was to be without him once again. I started thinking about the littlest things about him that made me so happy. His hugs, how he could always make me laugh, how he was always there to talk, even if I didn't want to talk to him about anything. I took him for granted, and I feel so guilty. I never really belived his feelings for me. When I started thinking back, I found all of the love and realized that he really did love me when he said he did. I don't know if he did right up until the accident that took him away from us, but I like to hope he did. I'm convinced that no one will ever love me like he did.
I remember when the accident happened and he was lying bleeding on the highway. I stayed right there with him, trying to keep him calm, telling him over and over again that I love him. I don't know if he heard me and that really hurts. The thought of him not knowing how much he meant to me and believing up until that point that I didn't have feelings for him. He was trying to push everyone away because he was confused. He had fallen off the back bumper of a Ford Explorer while driving fast along the highway. I was window surfing in the passenger side. The vehicle suddenly stopped and we all rushed to him. He split his skull and his brain shifted in his skull. He had severe bleeding and swelling on his brain. Everything was such a shock, but I couldn't cry. Everyone was crying hysterically, but I just stayed right there with him, holding his head in my lap. Thas when I felt the indentions in his skull...
We were all scared to call an ambulance. I wish I would've went with my gut instinct and called anyway. Maybe that would've helped save him... I feel so guilty about that. We were all just teenagers, and we didn't really know what to do. After the accident, I also realized that my best friend maybe saved my life. I had been standing on the back bumper almost all day when someone was driving the Explorer. My friend told me to get up front because he thought I wasn't strong enough to hold on to the grip on the top of the vehicle...But he was the one who wasn't. :( Before we all either got on the window ledges of the vehicle or on the back bumper, I had asked if we couldn't walk to where we were going, but I guess no one wanted to...
To my best friend, I am eternally grateful, because that could've been me lying on the highway. In truth, sometimes I wish it was. Things will never be the same without him. I wonder if there's a Heaven or Hell, which one he's in. If he can see me now somehow. We had so many plans in the future. As soon as we were both out of school, we were going to get away from our small town and travel all over. I could've very easily fallen in love with him...all over again. Now I will never know.
I just don't know what to do. Being with my boyfriend makes me feel very guilty sometimes because of my friend's death. It's causing some problems in our relationship because even though I deny having feelings for my friend who passed, he still knows I do.
I had to get this off my chest and tell someone. Sorry that it's pretty much a book...