I'm so scared *embarrassing*

[HandheldOutlaw]

This is unbelievably difficult for me to post. I'm not sure of what to say. I am a rape victim. I don't really trust anybody, and I have difficulty allowing people to touch me, even kind, harmless touches bring me back...there.
I have an appointment with a (don't like the word) "female doctor". I have been once before, and she was really insensitive, and she didn't explain what she was doing, and was really rough at times. I couldn't complete the exam, I had a panic attack and left, and never rescheduled.
Tomorrow I am going to a new doctor...he's male. I'm so scared, I've been crying since my aunt told me she made the appointment. I know I need to go....I just don't know how to deal with this.

Sorry. :/ And sorry if this is in the wrong place.

[Jupiter]

Well, I know what you mean when you say you cannot trust anyone. I'm sorry about your past, and I know this is hard to know, but you do have to put all that shit behind you, and move on. He is a doctor, he should do the right thing. And if he doesn't.. well, you would need to sue him.

[HandheldOutlaw]

I know :/ I can't put it behind me though, I really am trying.
Even if he does do the right thing, it's scary. The other lady didn't do anything ... unprofessional I guess would be the word. I wasn't too scared beforehand, just a little nervous...I didn't think I was going to freak out so badly, especially since it was a woman and all but one of my abusers have been male. I know it's unlikely he'll do anything and purposely hurt me....
I'm just scared to be alone with him. It's already out of the question that my aunt goes with me. She said that I'm a big girl and I can be on my own.

Thanks for the reply, sorry for being so babyish and complaining. >.<

[Sephtyan]

You certainly aren't being baby-ish, nor are you complaining. You feel that you need help with this, and thus it is your right to put this up here.
Now for some advice: When you meet him, before he asks you to undress or whatever he decides is best, let him know that you are very nervous and sensitive to the touch. Ask that he verbally let you know what stage of the examination he's in, and what he needs to do next. I'd say that it is critical that you ask him the first time he enters the room, as most doctors leave again shortly before an exam, and this will give him time to get into the right mindset. Also ask that he stop or at least pause for a moment when you ask, so as not to have a repeat of the last encounter.
I must warn you that depending on this examination, he may have to perform a visual/sensory inspection of uncomfortable places, and you'd do well to prepare for this. Keep in mind that doctors DO have time limits, so the more frequently you ask for a break, the more irritable he will get. He may get a bit rough around the edges if irritated.

I hope this helps, and I wish you luck!

[HandheldOutlaw]

thank you. one of my other friends told me almost exactly that, to let him know ahead of time.
more than anything though im worried that it if i erm....tense up....and make things....difficult...he'll tell my aunt and uncle that i was being difficult and stuff. i know its irrational but i also have a major fear of being restrained. i know if i get too difficult he'll just have me reschedule probably and not go through with the exam but some part of me is terrified that he'll have the nurse like..hold me down or something. :/ i know its stupid because he can't do that? right?

[deadpie]

This is unbelievably difficult for me to post. I'm not sure of what to say. I am a rape victim. I don't really trust anybody, and I have difficulty allowing people to touch me, even kind, harmless touches bring me back...there.

Hello there. All of these things are very typical to happen. Many people who are hurt like this(I won't say the word in case it triggers) end up developing PTSD (Post Traummatic Stress Disorder). Anxiety, fear, depression, guilt, flashbacks and much more occur. It's one of the most confusing psychological disorders to really explain to people just like many people don't understand the complexity to Schizophrenia.

Touch isn't something I would worry too much about, because people shouldn't be touching you much in the first place, but I'll try to think of some advice. Well, if you're freaked from someone else feeling your skin, maybe you should spend more time getting comfortable in your own skin.

When someone touches or bumps into you it probably feels like someone put a lighter up against you. I think you should start taking Yoga. Sounds dumb, I know, but if you're able to get to a state of mind where your body is relaxed and your completely calm, I think you'll feel much better inside your skin. Yoga is also pretty damn helpful if you have rage problems like me. Really, I don't do it much, but it does help. Pick up a few DVDs, maybe find a one on one person (Preferably female and younger for you) to do it with.

Using PMR (Progressive Muscle Relaxation) would really help too. In fact, I recommend that right now, you turn this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFwCKKa--18) video on, volume up, find yourself a place in your room and do what the video says.

-----

When you're triggered or even touched/bumped by someone, you need to find a happy place. Self harm, drugs, beating people up are NOT happy places, because they harm your body. I want you to feel CONTENT with your body, knowing that even though someone hurt you, you can learn to control it and relax yourself. Eventually, you'll know how to be relaxed at any given point in time.

To get to this safe place you need to find hobbies. Whether you think you're good or not, writing, drawing, painting, crafting, building, singing, playing instruments, all of those are good tools to find your "happy place". Sounds like a cheesy word, yeah, but I have nothing better in my tiny skull.

You want to focus on things that you love the most, be it animals, places, people/artists you admire, think about them too when you work.

Sometimes channeling your triggers into your art can also help, because you can visually or hear what has been inside your brain. Facing that can give you a better understanding of all of it and help you work/learn to deal with it.

--

Another thing, it's not easy to get over. It can takes years and decades for someone. This sounds scary and you're probably thinking, "Why the hell would you tell me something like that?" Well, because you need to realize how serious it is to take action and help yourself. Someone that can't trust people well needs to learn how to be very content with themselves, then open up and be able to get close to people. That's how it works. I also don't want to lie to you or say, "Ah, just move on."

I'll talk again when you want to btw.

[HandheldOutlaw]

Thank you. I do yoga a few times per week. It does help.
I would give a more thourough reply but I am on from my phone. Just wanted to say thanks.

Today is the day. :/

[Aubrie]

Going to the "female doctor" is scary enough. The doctor isn't going to hurt you. You should ask him to tell you before he does something. It shouldn't be painful. Maybe a pinch here and there, but the doctor should never be rough. I'm sorry that you went through that. Maybe if you told your doctor (although you don't seem like you'd be comfortable with that), he would be extra careful to not cause any more distress.

Best of luck! It'll be over before you know it!

[The Joker]

How did the meeting go?

[HandheldOutlaw]

Thank you to both of you.
Honestly...it didn't go well at all. If possible he was more insensitive than the lady I saw.
He never gave me the option to stop if I need a break or anything like that. Maybe I just sound babyish but it was horrifying. :/

[iLove Justin Bieber]

I am new to this stuff but would really like to help you and all I can really do is chat and make you feel a bit better and maybe give you some advise but contact me if you want to talk. I've come across some of your posts and it seems like you have had a horrible life and honestly hope it improves for you. Like I said, add me on messenger if you feel the need to speak.

[JJSSHH]

Explain to the doctor your situation. Ask him to explain what hes doing before he does it, and to please be gental. It may be uncomfortable to tell a stranger your story, but from knowing people who have gone through rapes, it helps. Best of luck :)

[Mirage]

Let me start off by stating my utmost and sincere apologies about your past.

Setting that aside, I think it would be best to somehow indirectly tell him your situation. If it makes you more comfortable, reschedule with a female doctor. Make sure that you let the nurse know your situation before letting them pick you a doctor, as they know the doctors better than anyone else. If you chose to continue with the male doctor, then I am sorry, but he has to know somehow. Maybe get your guardian to tell the nurse, and he/she can tell the doctor? I know this advice is too late for the appointment you said you had, but maybe you can take it in to account for appointments to come.

Good luck!

[MrJoel]

I know how you feel.scared,can trust anybody.Not everybody is bad there are some people you can trust.