Self Destruction

[Syvelocin]

I don't even know if I'm going to post this, I'm just going to see what I can milk from some thoughts right now. Rant, may be triggering or offensive in the very beginning or whatnot. This is a new kind of low right here. Don't even think it fits here partly but it started with a self-harm rant and I edited it and it's only partially a self-harm rant now. Aw well. Still fits the theme. Move it to Mental Crisis if it doesn't fit enough I guess.

I think self-harm is treated as a bigger deal than what it really is. It's something you do. What else is there to it? Concern should be rightfully felt for people who are at risk of causing permanent damage or even bleeding to death but why is it such a big deal beyond that?

Keep in mind, I actually haven't even cut myself for at least six months if not more. It feels silly. Found my razors the other night and I suddenly got the urge but then I realized it was silly. If I wanted to be destructive there were so many better ways to go out with a bang. I'm way more of an opheliac then that. If I wanted to really mess myself up, I could do so with more... mmm. Class. There are ways, I assure you, to really screw myself up, and I know all of them. And some of them are probably even obvious. This knowledge would be more open to abuse than you'd think.

My psychologist shoots down my accusations toward myself of being a masochist. I don't quite fit it. I've also been shot down on that accusation here as well. What sickens me is that I'm actually masochistic in every sense of the word. But we'll talk about this form of masochism. I may not be what would be defined as a true masochist, but I seem to have an obsession with my own self-destruction. It's a topic I ponder more than I probably should. I'm a very intelligent person, that's probably the only place my modesty does not dwell. Despite that, I think about throwing that away. I've always gotten lectured by my dad, who is the brains as well, but he's more of the rational type. He's a maths person, while I'm a literature person. The difference in these tropes is that maths has a set number of answers, usually two, while literature, the rule is that any answer is acceptable as long as you can back it up. That also makes him a problem-solver, while the literature person may wish to solve the problem but that isn't the goal by any means. Anyway, he has never been able to comprehend why I defy the knowledge I have acquired, defy my "common sense." And I really don't know why. Why I understand all the consequences of every single one of my actions, what I should do and what I shouldn't do, but still choose the worst option purposefully.

Sure, I may not be able to enjoy all pain and every pain. Paired with my appreciation of pain is a ongoing effort to do exactly what I know I shouldn't, because of the satisfaction.

It's quite astounding, the satisfaction you can achieve when you are so incredibly dissociated from the potential damage you are causing. It's like there isn't even any consequences because you're so numb to what any rational person would be upset if not traumatized by. In my head, this is as much of a masochist as anything is.

Actually, this isn't only a rant. There's reason for this to be alarming. I don't think I'm going to discuss that right now though. Or maybe even ever.

[Amaryllis]

Assuming you indisputably suffer from masochism, what can be done? Assuming you are not "diagnosed" with masochism, what will you do? Do you plan on avoiding masochistic tendencies or do you feel there is no need?

Sometimes when we go through traumatic events, especially when they occur for great lengths of time, we convince ourselves we like it. So much so, perhaps, we do end up liking it. Or at times we feel we do not deserve anything other than pain and suffering. I went through many years of my life dreaming about having sex with my father or of being raped and tortured, I was horribly ashamed of it and still am.

Still, Rith - if I may call you that, - life isn't a fun place when you live it inflicting and wishing pain upon yourself. Disassociation is understandable, considering what you went though. But again, life's too long to be spent in your own self-destruction. There is a lot you can do with your life, it isn't all over and ruined yet - many mental illnesses are said to be incurable and I won't lie, sometimes I think they are, indeed, incurable. However we can make the most of what we have and do everything we can to not let it dictate our lives. Some survive cancer, no?

Our thoughts and wants can be quite disastrous and defeating but it is what we choose to do that defines us. You managed to put the razors down and I truly admire you for that. People with eating disorders and those who've been through horrific things tend to have huge amounts of resilience and strength - put that to good use.

Like the sig says: One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.

[CuriousDestruction]

I think some self harm is treated as a bigger deal than it really is. To have a parent put you in a mental ward because they saw a cut on your arm can be a bit ridiculous. And your friends can definitely overreact similarly, but many forms of self-harm are cause for concern. It is different on a person by person basis. It can be a coping mechanism. It can just be something you do. But often it's a sign of something bigger than that. A part of a problem that may be helped. Because in the end for the most part, having people who are happy NOT self harming is really ideal.

Masochism doesn't seem to really fit your description of how you feel. Masochism involves deriving pleasure from the pain you feel. But do you feel pleasure? Obsession is not the same thing. Perhaps you are obsessed with your own self harm for other reasons. Maybe it's a part of a bigger problem that hasn't been addressed. Maybe it's psychological, maybe emotional. Honestly I don't know. But here's another question. Do you want to masochist? Do you want to be labeled as one so that way you understand what's happening to you? Or do you just honestly believe you are one? Just a question.

[Syvelocin]

Assuming you indisputably suffer from masochism, what can be done? Assuming you are not "diagnosed" with masochism, what will you do? Do you plan on avoiding masochistic tendencies or do you feel there is no need?

It comes and it goes. Sometimes I'm relatively fine and sometimes I just can't stop it, the urge. I can't of course be diagnosed since self-defeating personality disorder has never actually been in a DSM so it isn't recognized as a mental illness. The proposed criteria for the DSM when they were planning to add it also included B) The behaviors in A do not occur exclusively in response to, or in anticipation of, being physically, sexually, or psychologically abused. So it's pretty much out the window at this point.

Masochism doesn't seem to really fit your description of how you feel. Masochism involves deriving pleasure from the pain you feel. But do you feel pleasure? Obsession is not the same thing. Perhaps you are obsessed with your own self harm for other reasons. Maybe it's a part of a bigger problem that hasn't been addressed. Maybe it's psychological, maybe emotional. Honestly I don't know. But here's another question. Do you want to masochist? Do you want to be labeled as one so that way you understand what's happening to you? Or do you just honestly believe you are one? Just a question.

That's kind of partly why I've always thought masochism fits better than many people think it does for me. There's no second thoughts, or regrets. Like, I want to do those things. And when I actually do go through with it, there's no guilt. There's no "I shouldn't have done that." But as opposed to just having an itch to see myself crumble, there's a sick satisfaction along with it.

But ehm... there's more to it. Things I think Amaryllis caught on to but I think I'm still a bit reluctant to admit. Whether I'm able to be considered a masochist by a professional or not, it's by far the best word that actually exists in the dictionary (I can think of a word that is not in the dictionary that is better that I actually used in the first post) to describe it. But there are other more complicated reasons that I feel like it's the right term.

[Mortal Coil]

I agree that SH is blown out of proportion. It's just like when other people dig their fingernails into their palms, only a little more powerful. Masochism involves pleasure from all pain, not just the pain you get from self-harm. That includes being humiliated in school and aching when you run and period cramps. I do, however think that it's the best descriptor for what you- the both of us- have.

[rukia_yua]

I agree but I kinda get where they come from . Though I don't agree. My parents did the same thing. Yay wellstone!!!!

[Syvelocin]

I agree that SH is blown out of proportion. It's just like when other people dig their fingernails into their palms, only a little more powerful. Masochism involves pleasure from all pain, not just the pain you get from self-harm. That includes being humiliated in school and aching when you run and period cramps. I do, however think that it's the best descriptor for what you- the both of us- have.

Self-defeating personality disorder. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-defeating_personality_disorder)

It isn't just self-harm, I actually haven't felt pain from self-harm for a long time. Before I stopped it was the sight of blood that excited me. No, if you punched me in the face it would hurt, but I do also enjoy a lot of accidental wounds. Plus the "emotional" masochism and the stuff in that link. And... fuck... Plus the sexual masochism. And no, that has nothing to do with S&M, I haven't actually been sexually active with a boyfriend/girlfriend for five years. That's as far as I'm explaining though.