Help! Advice, please?

[TheDeepestDepths]

I joined this site because I need advice or an opinion or something.

Three years ago I started to cut. This was due to a build up of feelings of stress and of being unwanted by my parents. Logically, in my head, I knew they loved me deeply and only want the best for me but it seemed like all I could feel was that they couldn't wait to get rid of me. My Mum was forcing me into a stay in France to improve my French. Of course, all the programmes needed my consent etc. - which she got through a series of long talks about the importance of my education and ensuing guilt trips. I went eventually and hated it, but I couldn't deny the improvement in my French and I'm grateful for that. But the feelings of being unwanted and hated for being female didn't go away.

I'm the only girl of three children and I've always been very aware of the difference between my brothers and I, due to the difference in my mother's treatment of us. I am very clearly the female child and she has always made it obvious to me that I have my own role to fill (this probably isn't true but it feels so awful). This of course only added to my insecurity and thoughts that my mother wished I was different.

I stopped cutting about seven or eight months after I started, due to the support of some very close friends - one in particular. This girl went through depression and cutting and she recovered. However, unlike her, I was never depressed - at least - I don't think I was. Cutting wasn't a compulsion for me - I did it because it was easy. Easier than trying to work through my emotions, at any rate. It also meant that I wouldn't have to talk through my parents to deal with the pain. I just didn't want to deal with any of the other options - I knew they were there I just didn't want to know about them. My parents still don't know that I used to cut (they haven't mentioned it at least)- I haven't for over a year and a half - despite the fact that I walk around in short sleeves most of the time. I've worked through the shame of having scars. They're very prominent scars, yet my parents haven't noticed them for the past three years. Is this normal for anyone else?

What I really need help with though is - I haven't caused myself harm in over a year and a half, but lately I haven't had the will to do anything. I have my Leaving Cert. in a few months (exams which determine if I'll get into college) yet I haven't even started to study. I never do my homework either. Yet I want to do well - I love getting good grades, they make me feel good. I like doing my homework an learning and hate disappointing people. and people will be disappointed - my parents and teachers and even extended family are all expecting me to get close to top marks and I am very capable of it if I put in the effort. And i don't understand why I'm not. I want to do well.

I guess I'm just wondering if this is my self-destructive streak coming back. To me, it seems as though I'm finding as many ways to punish myself as possible without resorting to self-harm. I never got professional help I just stopped cutting one day - I felt so ashamed that I was cutting when it wasn't a mental problem when both my best friends and my cousin had to deal with depression and the self-harm that came with it. and they all had legitimate problems and difficulties in their lives - I just FELT unwanted. I knew I was loved it just didn't feel like it.

I'm terrified - I don't want to go back to that dark place I was before and I can't tell anyone. Not my parents who never knew how much being sent away affected me. Not my friends who all have their own problems and exam stress. I don't think I'm depressed - I'm actually happy quite often but I'm worried I'm going back to where I was emotionally three years ago. Help!

Am I becoming masochistic? Or am I just being selfishly lazy?

[CuriousDestruction]

Masochism is a tendency or desire to feel pleasure from your own pain or humiliation. From the sounds of it, you don't want to be ashamed and pain is not pleasurable to you. And I doubt you are being selfishly lazy, you are trying to work hard and you are doing it so not to disappoint yourself or others.

To me it sounds like you are so stressed you are close to hurting yourself as a way to cope. And the loss of will to do anything is also a natural coping mechanism and a form of depression. The lack of interest in doing what seems most necessary to do is often a sign of depression.

Depression is not inherently a bad thing though, it just means you are human and you need a little help. Your friends may be going through a rough time but that just means you can lean on one another. And you can go to a doctor to get prescribed anti-depressants if you are willing. And your parents will hopefully be supportive.

I won't claim to know exactly what you are going through. All I can tell you is that you can get through this. And you can do so without cutting. Life seems to be gearing up to be a stressful time, but if you take your time and breathe through it, you'll find the light at the end of the tunnel.