F.A.T.

[Amaryllis]

Thanks for clicking this thread, have a nice day.

[Desuetude]

Ok im not sure how to help but i wanted to reply seeing as you think no one will, i read it all and you deserve for people to read and help you. You do so much for others here, even the little problems you take seriously enough to make big replys giving them loads of help and support. I am and i bet many others are so, so greatful to you for posting and giving advice that actually helps :)

Im sorry that i can't do the same for you but i wanted to let you know that people do read it and just dont always know what to say. It's great to hear that it's been 5 months since you last cut. Keep that up, dont go back to it or it will be one more problem for you to have to overcome.

Dont compare your life to others, i know everyone does it but if there is something bothering you then it means something, don't just ignore it thinking that it's nothing. It sounds like you've done lots to try and become happier and im sorry that you've found nothing that works. All i can say is do things you enjoy, don't fill your life with meaningless things that you don't like doing. It sounds like you're stressed? Try to calm your life down, try to just do one thing at a time. Don't worry about living up to other peoples standards, I don't know if you feel like you should always be getting better than what you're at but if you are then try and tihnk about this from someone elses point of view, preferabbly a non bias one. Don't push yourself so hard, you don't have to be perfect, no one ever is and you shouldn't expect so much of yourself or you will end up bringing yourself down even further.

Don't think that the bad things in your life are insignificant as to how you're feeling now. They are probably a big part of it. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault. Your parents should never have whipped you anyway, those "friends" had no right to cut of your hair, that idiotic boy should keep his mouth shut, the teachers shouldn't hit you and your friends are stupid for backstabbing someone so lovely and caring. None of those things were your fault, there are others to blame i just think you're to nice a person to want to blame them.

I don't know why you feel like that. You honestly shouldn't and i know that means nothing coming from someone you don't know and has never even spoken to you apart from via a few threads but you are not hopeless and useless, you have helped so many people, people here actually respect you and thats hard to gain from people you have never met.
I don't know why i wrote this as i haven't helped to your problems in any way. I guess i just wanted to show you that people do care and that if you want to talk to me then i am here for you. <3

[Jean Poutine]

Well first of all, are you on any medication? I don't know you that well.

If you have any objection to pills, put them aside right now. Our society is based on pharmaceuticals to enhance our life and life expectancy. My mom's on like 10 different pills. I'm on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. Everybody gobbles pills, sometimes like candy, either to relieve a dumb genetic flaw we happened to be born with or something we caused. Embrace it.

With my pro-psychiatry rant of the day done :

Those nagging thoughts in your head will probably stick for a very long time, as do mine. "No Tony, you aren't supposed to look at people in the eyes" or "Hey Tony, just send that nice person who wanted to know you better waltz. The only way to be happy is to be alone". I never had eating disorders, but I do have a lot of social phobias and disorders. That...never really truly goes away. I still "hear" the "voices" when I get stressed, although they're probably just undercurrents of my own mind trying to trick me. I don't know about eating disorders.

We're not all predisposed to be happy. Some have nothing wrong with them, lead sweet lives and go wherever they want. Others and less advantaged. Some are born in the gutter, figuratively speaking. You mention that you're angry because you can't make your situation better, no matter how much you try. That's the right reaction, provided you channel it into action. Collective anger has toppled the strongest governments, has created the most beautiful works of art and has advanced society.

So take that anger you feel and use it to an useful purpose. You say you've tried a lot of stuff, but for how long did you stick with them? Things do not always take effect instantly. You say you've tried combat sports : I say give them another go. Go with something more physical than karate (which is pretty sissified, at a lot of places *ahem*), like judo. Combat sports have helped my life immensely, not only because I get to throw people on the ground and choke them out, but because through beating up other people or even staying afloat with them, I end up surpassing myself. Plus the endorphin rush's not all that bad. I used to force myself to go to judo because I'd puke from exhaustion and I was utterly scared of strangers being in close contact with me, or even speaking to me. I gave it a few years, like 2 or 3, and I started to absolutely love it. It single-handedly broke down two of the most debilitating fears I had.

You say you have no empathy. I don't think that's true. As my post to time ratio will tell, I don't really speak much, but I do observe. Like many others, I've seen you go around type out huge walls of text to help people out. You might say you did without a care for the other person, just to try and make yourself feel better, but that'd be ignoring a part of the equation, since it apparently didn't work but you kept doing it. What were you motivated by, then?

I also used to think I had no capacity for empathy. It's a pretty big part of my diagnosis, after all. Limited empathy doesn't mean no empathy, though. We have to work with what we have.

Which is ultimately what happiness boils down to, doesn't it? Making the best of what we have. If you continue to fight on, with all that anger you've got for thinking happiness is out of your reach, it might smack you in the face when you realize how far you've come from being so low.

[Amaryllis]

D'aww. I want to eat your nose and squish your kind little faces. Thank you for taking the time to reply. It really does mean a lot. Especially since I know the effort and time that goes in to writing huge walls of text :P

I'm not on any medication, no, mainly because my parents don't approve of it. It's a bother to get my mother to take hers, it'd stress her out if I asked to see a psychiatrist (I have actually seen a couple before but my mother said no to the meds.)

And yeah, I did actually stick to all the things I mentioned. Thai boxing for 3, ballet for 4 years, vocal training for 5-6, tai chi for 1, piano for 4, rock climbing for 1, sword training for 2, self defence for 2, gymnastics for 4 and most hobbies every alternate day. Most are still ongoing.

I know I'm not meant to compare my life to others, but it makes me feel bad to know I'm whining about my life when it isn't that bad at all. I suppose "abuse" is somewhat bad but it's me.

Once again, thanks a lot for your time. I won't forget it. You both have your own problems and it's great for you to do as much. There's really not much I can think of to thank you with other than rep haha. But thank you. <3

P.S. I help others because I feel responsible for them and because I'd have wanted someone to try if I were them.

[Angel Androgynous]

Z, I am glad that you took the time to write this all out and let some of it out. I am a horrible advice giver, but I want you to know that I love the heck out of you, and I am here for you... if not to advise, but to just listen. I can never truly understand what you are going through, but I'll listen, and try to. I know this isn't much, but please never ever give up. You've made it so far, and you can keep going. I believe in you.

[xXl0sth0peXx]

Z <3
I know you edited your post already, but I read your post about 10 billion times this morning. And didn't get a chance to reply.

But I wanna tell you since you edited it: Stay strong, kay? I know we don't talk anymore, but no matter what, we're still married. And wives gotta care about eachother, yea? <3

I'm here if you ever need someone. <3

[Iris]

Hey Z :). It's been a while.

I'm sad that you're feeling so badly right now. It's entirely unfair that someone as kind and sweet as you feels so shitty. :(

First I want to say keep going. Even if your life and remnants of happiness is going down the drain, keep going. One day at a time. Grasp onto something, anything that gives you some comfort or happiness. Even fleeting happiness helps ease the pain. Eventually things will get better. I don't know when and things may get worse before that, but in the end, your life will begin to turn up. You're 15 hun, life hasn't even begun yet. Give it another, and then another chance to grant you the happiness you deserve.

I can't tell you why you're so unhappy-only you and/or a psychologist can really answer that. I've read many of your posts though; you've been through some terribly traumatic things. Things may have gotten better now, but our pasts are always there to haunt us. It takes a lot of time and distance, and a very strong support system to really get through them. Being around things and people that you associate with your painful experiences holds you back, and having an ok mother is a poor support system. You aren't invincible, hun. Maybe at this point you can't be as happy as you wish you were. At least grab onto the good moments in your life-your friends, subjects that interest you etc. They're like pinpricks of light in the dark tunnel until you finally get through it (soclicheiknow).

I know this sounds shitty, but when you're a little older and can make your own decisions, life will begin getting better. Now you are limited to trying to make yourself happy within the confines of your location and family. When you begin to self-actualize and become who you want to be, it will help. You sound lost and confused, I think you still need to figure yourself out, which is completely ok. But there's no need to stress about it hun. This turmoil you're in is a part of growing up when you've had a fucked up past.

Truthfully? I know how you feel. I alwas hate talking about myself in these threads because they're about you, not me, but this may give me some credibility :whoops:. I was going to kill myself this sunday. I had it all planned out, I researched my method to make sure it worked (lol if only mythbusters knew how they helped me), and I wrote half my suicide letters. I said goodbye to the world, and stopped doing schoolwork and talking to friends to prepare. I was ready to die. I was so miserable, and no matter how hard I tried, with pills and people and anything else, nothing made me happy. But. I'm still here. After hours and hours of talking and tears, my boyfriend convinced me to try. To just try and live on. We figured out a way I wouldn't feel completely hopeless, so I could keep going. Right now, I'm miserable. I'm utterly miserable. But I haven't fallen down to the point I was at before, and I'm going to try to keep living, because I know things will get better. The question is if you can make it, with a least most of your sanity, until you get to that point. I, for one, think you can. You're a really sweet person, Z, you help people out and care for them. You're funny and smart, and full of potential. Don't throw it out cause things or shitty now. Keep going, ok?

I'm always here for you if you want to talk <3

Edit: sorry I just noticed you deleted your post. hope you don't mind that I still replied :whoops:.

[Amaryllis]

Thanks Ida, Val and Lilys? I don't think I ever got your name. Lily? Iris? Anyhow, I adore you girls.

@Ida
You've always been there for me, or at least, you've always offered. I'm really sorry I don't take up the offer that often. You're a lovely, funny, bright, kind and sympathetic girl and we all love you for that.

I know sometimes I act like I'm trying to hold you back from things you make consider cool or fun or just, well, normal stuff people do. But that's because in a way I treat you like my sister. I worry about you, probably more than I should. Most of the time I'd like to keep you in a little rubber room filled with kid-things.

This may sound absurd but I find you very "pure." As in pure enough that I don't want you to be exposed to drinking or sex or multiple piercings and tattoos or political views... Gosh, that sounds so conservative and old. But there's this part of my brain that just keeps this idea of "innocence" that I wish you would live. Because I think you still have a chance at a few more years of childhood.

That didn't even make sense. Everyone matures and you went through enough that you're quite mature.

Basically, I don't want you to know about the horrors of this world. Even though you've seen my pictures. Read my stories. Spoken to me. God, it's silly. But I love you.

@Val
Thanks a lot for reading and taking the time to reply, Val. I really adore you, too. Wifeyz forever :) I hope life's going okay for you, too. And seeing as I'm -much- better at dealing with the problems of others than I am with my own (you know what. That's probably called avoidance,) feel free to talk to me, too.

Once again, thank you.

@Iris/Lilys
Yeah. I'm 15. And as absurd as this sounds, I feel old. I suppose changing locations and people will help but I'm not sure. I hardly see, speak or touch any of my relatives anymore. I'm afraid it's me. That a part of me doesn't want to let the pain go, since some days it feels like all I have. The only thing that's "mine" and in turn, me.

I'm truly sorry you feel so bad. And I'm very glad your boyfriend was there and is there to help you. And even happier you didn't go through with your plans. Because you have a lot to live for, too.

You're tough and I truly believe you'll conquer your demons. Thank you for having such faith in me. I'll remember you always. And of course I don't mind that you replied.

<3

[ImCoolBeans]

Z, since you edited out all of the info, I'm going to lock this. But you know that if you ever need anything or just somebody to talk to I'm always here for you and willing to give advice, listen or just be a friend :)