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Origami
February 19th, 2012, 02:23 AM
I'm back mother fuckers!

Now, the only person I really hopes gives me insight on this is Tim. Not sure if he's even still around. Oh well. I mentioned Thirteen a long while ago and a few people were excited and hoped I'd write it. Well, I finally started! Here is an excerpt from the WIP Prologue.







Thirteen

Prologue

“Quickly, come this way” Raven said gleefully.”
“Where are we going? Why are you in such a hurry,” asked Zane.
“It's a surprise!”
“I don't like surprises very much, especially not while skipping the academy.”
“Come on, quit whining. Besides, we're almost there.”

Zane wasn't all that curious, but he always found himself getting drug along with the Chief's daughter. All he wanted to do was go to the academy, make his grades, and join the Palace Guard one day, but instead he found himself chasing after some dark haired girl he barely knew. They'd been in class together for years, they'd become best friends, but her royal heritage kept Zane from ever getting to know who Raven really was. To him she was the thin girl with green eyes who had accidentally become the keeper of his heart the day they met. But he was sure she saw him as that “friend” who'd never leave her. Just a scruffy looking, blonde haired hunter-kin who should be more adventurous than timid; however, he still chased after her with a slow stride, chasing her affection.

“Okay! Here we are,” Raven exclaimed. Zane found himself standing in a small courtyard he'd never seen. It was precariously shoved in a small corner of the palace and didn't seem as if anyone frequented it. In the middle stood a large tree just shorter than the bordering walls, at the base the trunk split open slightly revealing a small crevice in the tree. Whatever she had led him here for was likely hidden in that tree, he thought. Alicia leaned down, confirming this, reaching into the small hole and whispering something.

“Who are you talking to,” asked Zane, “is their someone in there?”
“Something like that,” she replied.
“What do you-,” he was interrupted as she pulled an unusual figure from the tree. “Wh- what is that!?”
“What do you mean? You're so rude. I think He's cute.”
“That's a demon, Raven! You brought a demon into the palace!”
“I know, but I don't think he's a bad one. I think he just needs a nice home.”
“Huh? Oh, I guess he isn't trying to eat me yet. So he can't be too bad.”
“Nope!”

Zane looked around the courtyard. It was the perfect place to hide a creature like this. There was only one way in and it was blocked by a gate, furthermore, it was so far out of the way, it was unlikely for anyone to accidentally stumble upon it. Still, Raven had brought a demon into the palace. Usually these were the type of monsters that left homes destroyed, children orphaned, and so many others injured for life. The fact that she even thought of concealing one was beyond insane, but still Zane couldn't help but support her.

Zane asked, “so, how long have you had it?”
“A few weeks now,” she replied.
“And it's always been this nice?”
“Yes, and cute too!”
“Wouldn't your dad be angry?” She looked down at the question, obviously thrown off guard that Zane would ask something like that. He knew she didn't see eye-to-eye with her father, yet he always seemed to bring him into the conversation.

“Probably,” she said, “but I don't really care.” Zane considered his reply for a few moments until Raven simply shrugged as if to push the awkwardness aside.
“I see,” he said, content just to dodge the topic.

embers
February 19th, 2012, 12:30 PM
I know you're only expecting Tim, but I thought I might give my two cents anyway.

I think it's a fine extract of writing, but the only thing that struck me odd was his reaction to the demon. He didn't seem particularly shocked - seeing as it's something that destroys homes, orphans children, all that shit - and his immediate reaction of mild surprise completely changed to acceptance within like two lines of dialogue. Introducing the notion of demons as something people are supposed to be fearful of weakly like that kinda dulls the idea altogether.

But yeah, apart from that, it's pretty good and I'd love to read more. Keep it up dude.

project_icarus
February 19th, 2012, 01:00 PM
Seems brilliant. As previously said, keep it up.

Origami
February 19th, 2012, 02:31 PM
I know you're only expecting Tim, but I thought I might give my two cents anyway.

I think it's a fine extract of writing, but the only thing that struck me odd was his reaction to the demon. He didn't seem particularly shocked - seeing as it's something that destroys homes, orphans children, all that shit - and his immediate reaction of mild surprise completely changed to acceptance within like two lines of dialogue. Introducing the notion of demons as something people are supposed to be fearful of weakly like that kinda dulls the idea altogether.

But yeah, apart from that, it's pretty good and I'd love to read more. Keep it up dude.

Thank you, I'll try to work on that. Zane has an odd personality that's a bit difficult for me to describe. As for Tim, that negro gave me a "like" on Facebook.

I'll edit some today, color coat this to show changes, etc. Thanks again for the feedback!

monkeyfish
February 19th, 2012, 02:42 PM
It's good, i'm not a writer myself but i'm just looking to give a little bit of advice from a readers point of view that might help you to improve a tiny bit. The part where you wrote
" but instead he found himself chasing after some dark haired girl he barely knew. They'd been in class together for years, they'd become best friends, but her royal heritage kept Zane from ever getting to know who Raven really was." For me, reading that they'd become best friends seems too short winded, I would want to know how, and as you said he hasn't had a chance to get to know her then its hard to grasp the idea of them being best friends, what i would suggest is using something similar to
" they'd been in class together for years, he didn't fully understand or know her yet, as her royal heritage kept him from getting to know her better, although despite the lack of personal knowledge of her, he always found himself quite drawn to the girl, she was different. Most of the other people in the class were ignorant or too self centered to talk to him, they were always busy, he didn't like them much anyway, he always found it difficult to interact with people, but Raven was different, he felt a connection to her. She was the closest thing he had to a best friend"
of course this is your story and don't get me wrong i think you've done an excellent job with it so far, but I would be far more intrigued if you developed the relationship at least a little bit earlier on, but leave time to expand on that further in the story

Origami
February 19th, 2012, 03:07 PM
This kind of ruins future reading, but...

They actually get separated very early on. Most of their relationship is revealed later through his memories of her.

deadpie
February 19th, 2012, 04:02 PM
Sorry, I've been quite busy lately an all of that stupid shit. Decided to give a like to be nice and read it later. Now I've read it.

You're opening a very long long story with the sentence, - “Quickly, come this way” Raven said gleefully.”

For me, it really doesn't fit. When you start a story you need to grab the attention as fast as possible into the story.

Also, describe what the demon looks like. I'm kind of lost and what it actually is and so on. This is also a very short chapter. Needs more describing and less dialogue, although I don't know if that's really the best advice, because I'm not someone who's good at writing dialogue and I just try to blow past it as quickly as possible.

I can't really give a full opinion of a long story until there's more than a prologue and a chapter or two.

Enjoy writing it though. Don't make it feel like a fucking job or something you have to beat yourself over doing. Make it a good fun healthy experience. Don't be hard on yourself from criticism or your own criticism. If you really believe in your story you won't stop working on it no matter what.

Origami
February 19th, 2012, 07:44 PM
Sorry, I've been quite busy lately an all of that stupid shit. Decided to give a like to be nice and read it later. Now I've read it.

You're opening a very long long story with the sentence, - “Quickly, come this way” Raven said gleefully.”

For me, it really doesn't fit. When you start a story you need to grab the attention as fast as possible into the story.

Also, describe what the demon looks like. I'm kind of lost and what it actually is and so on. This is also a very short chapter. Needs more describing and less dialogue, although I don't know if that's really the best advice, because I'm not someone who's good at writing dialogue and I just try to blow past it as quickly as possible.

I can't really give a full opinion of a long story until there's more than a prologue and a chapter or two.

Enjoy writing it though. Don't make it feel like a fucking job or something you have to beat yourself over doing. Make it a good fun healthy experience. Don't be hard on yourself from criticism or your own criticism. If you really believe in your story you won't stop working on it no matter what.

Thanks. Not sure if I'll change the beginning or not, but yes, I failed to describe the demon. I did so shortly after posting this, but couldn't edit it because a mod didn't approve the post until just this morning. zzzz

As for it being so short, it's a Work In Progress piece. It's not nearly complete, just popping out for some quick C&C.

Thanks again.