Help? :/

[moon_lit_angel]

So em....

Yeah, where to start??

Well I've gone 303 days without self harming, this is a huge step for me as I couldn't stop for longer than 8 days last time ><

I recently got into a relationship (one month ago), he's amazing, the best thing that has literally ever happened to me. I'm happy with him.!

That's not the problem.!

The problem is my past!!!! ><


So if ye guys have read my posts etc on here before ye'll know I've been attacked and sexually abused... (hate saying that stuff ><)

But yeah, so obviously I've told my boyfriend, because of the usual things of it affecting our relationship etc....

Again, thats not the problem..

The problem is that I didn't tell anyone in six years about the sexual abuse from my nan's partner, and the first person I tell is my boyfriend (not that it was a mistake), I'm happy I finally got it out. But its been at me since that day and it hasn't gone away.! I'm reliving it nearly every day and 1) I'm afraid it will break us up, 2) I'm pretty I dunno, down about it and 3) Just want to curl up and die in a way.

Now the sick cunt is in hospital literally dying (I know what I'm about to say is cruel) But I hope he dies ><

Of course when he does, I'll have to go to his funeral, Yes it'll be great to see him buried, but I don't want to go!!
I haven't told my family and I probably never will....

But tonight I nearly cut.. And by nearly, I mean I had the object in my hand..!

The one thing that stopped me is the fact of my boyfriend!
He's here with me and all I can do is cry..

I dunno how to feel, or what to do. Yes my boyfriend is here for me, but I can't burden everything on him.

SO yeah :/

[gabzas331]

Welcome to your future.

^That is what I would be saying to myself right now if I was in your position.

The fact that you now have a boyfriend shows to me that you're beginning to get past your previous experiences. I cannot comprehend how dreadful everything you have been through must have felt: I can only wince at the horror of it all. But you have been so, so brave, you've gone over 300 days without self harming and you should be proud of yourself. Bask in the joy of a happy, healthy relationship; Don't let the past jade it! Imagine your heart is like a house. Right now your problems and your past are in the house attempting to cause havoc. Imagine this now: it's your house, and you've had enough. Kick those problems out of the house and into the dirt, and don't ever let them back in. Good luck, here's to another 300 days! <3


-Gabe

[moon_lit_angel]

I understand that, but it still doesnt make me feel better.
Trust me I want to forget the past, but because I've talked about it for the first time in 6 years kind of makes it real again.!

[gabzas331]

It's happened, now it's in the past... I completely understand why it would haunt you... But please, just tell yourself, 'it's over now.' You are past that horror and now you have someone to protect you and keep you safe... However hard it is, try to draw positives from where you are now rather than negatives from the things some fuckups have done to you in your past, you can do it! Stay positive :)


-Gabe

[Desuetude]

Thats amazing that you've gone 303 days!! you should be so proud of yourself that you've gotten this far and thats not saying that it's ok to give up, you are doing so well, dont let things from your past pull you down now.

All i can say is after holding it in for 6 years not telling anyone you can see the difference it makes with him knowing, it might make it feel real again but it's not going to happen and now you have someone by your side ready to support you in every way possibe. Maybe you could tell one person in your family that you trust, then they could even cover up for you at the wedding, which brings me on to, They can't force you to go. You're 20, thats above the age that you need your parents to make your decisions for you, yes it may hurt some people, you not being there but they'll forgive and forget, that man has scarred you in ways that you shouldn't have had to go though and you do not have to go to his funeral to give your condolences.
It may feel like you are burdening him, i feel like that as well when i talk to people, but he wants to help you, he loves you and im sure he wouldnt want you to keep it all bottled up. Tell him what your feeling. But maybe thats why you need someone else to talk to, so you wont be putting everything onto him.
Just think about the good things that are happening in your life at the moment, how much everythings changed for the better, pick yourself back up! you can do this!

[moon_lit_angel]

It's happened, now it's in the past... I completely understand why it would haunt you... But please, just tell yourself, 'it's over now.' You are past that horror and now you have someone to protect you and keep you safe... However hard it is, try to draw positives from where you are now rather than negatives from the things some fuckups have done to you in your past, you can do it! Stay positive :)


-Gabe


Yes I understand what your saying but I cant move on from it..

Thats amazing that you've gone 303 days!! you should be so proud of yourself that you've gotten this far and thats not saying that it's ok to give up, you are doing so well, dont let things from your past pull you down now.

All i can say is after holding it in for 6 years not telling anyone you can see the difference it makes with him knowing, it might make it feel real again but it's not going to happen and now you have someone by your side ready to support you in every way possibe. Maybe you could tell one person in your family that you trust, then they could even cover up for you at the wedding, which brings me on to, They can't force you to go. You're 20, thats above the age that you need your parents to make your decisions for you, yes it may hurt some people, you not being there but they'll forgive and forget, that man has scarred you in ways that you shouldn't have had to go though and you do not have to go to his funeral to give your condolences.
It may feel like you are burdening him, i feel like that as well when i talk to people, but he wants to help you, he loves you and im sure he wouldnt want you to keep it all bottled up. Tell him what your feeling. But maybe thats why you need someone else to talk to, so you wont be putting everything onto him.
Just think about the good things that are happening in your life at the moment, how much everythings changed for the better, pick yourself back up! you can do this!

Thank you yes I am proud, and he does love me but i feel like i am burdening everything on him I do need someone else to talk to and some help