Triceratops
February 16th, 2012, 11:30 AM
As some of the veterans that are left on VT will know, I have had an eating disorder since I was 12 which has basically completely ruined my life. During my whole time living with intense starving, binging and purging episodes I never thought to myself about the dangers it would bring in the future. I was aware of how badly it was affecting me mentally, but it didn't once cross my mind that I would be where I am today.
It did get to a point where my bulimia was so extreme I was surprised I wasn't dead already. For a few years I was purging extremely regularly, and there were even weeks where I would purge at least 20 times in the space of 12 hours for many days. I went to all sorts of lengths to purge - including mixing different kinds of medications in a bid to make myself vomit. I put so much strain on my body and I felt like I didn't care, and that nobody else cared really.
Because I managed to hide being bulimic until I was 17 from most people, I didn't get any medical help whatsoever and only received private help from a therapist (which didn't do me any good if I'm honest). When I was only able to purge blood, could barely move my body, always was dizzy and randomly passing out, I was still too afraid to tell anyone and get the treatment I really needed. Although I was in and out of hospitals and managed to convince my family it was just really bad anemia. The chemical imbalances in my body must of been completely fucked.
When I did finally admit to my eating disorder, that was when it had calmed down for about 8 months. I was still purging and had a major issue with eating, but it was no where near as extreme as it used to be. During this time I was more concentrating on restricting and binging, but not making myself vomit. I had a good feeling that things could get a lot better - which they did. But that was until things in my life where starting to get nasty again so I, obviously, turned back to bulimia. So I figured that at the worst times in my life I always used bulimia to distract myself and help me cope with it all.
Now, 2 weeks ago I found out that I've damaged my heart muscles as they are now very weak. I am now in and out of the hospital and doctor's surgery as I need to have constant attention as I am at big risk of other major heart problems like heart failure, or even a heart attack. That on top of constant trips to the psychiatrist so she can help me deal with my mental state as well as this new information that has pretty much shocked the hell out of me. I pretty much always feel weak, but I am always dizzy and faint and find it hard to concentrate or even move when I go through these episodes. I am no medical expert and tbh I couldn't go into massive detail as to what's wrong with me because I don't know, but the doctor expressed how serious this is for me just by simply saying that if I don't stop the bulimia now, I have a very high chance of dying soon - on top of already having big problems right now. Then when I asked her what she meant by that exactly, she told me to take one of my old days as an example (purging 15-20 times in a day several times within a week) I could die instantly because my organs are that weak and will not cope with the strain I am inflicting on them.
You would probably think "oh so that would stop her from purging now" but the absolute hardest thing is that nothing has sunk in properly for me and I am in the worst starving and binging rut right now and I have weaned off purging for a while but the urge to proceed with it is so intense. I also have an addiction to over-exercising which isn't good for my physical state as it is. I feel like I hate myself that much that I don't care if this literally kills me anymore, because it's already killed me in every other possible way if that makes sense. I have spent most of my days with this and not living with an eating disorder that's dominated my life just doesn't seem real. I want to stop my disorder NOW but I just can't see myself doing it. I am scared for myself because the hardest thing ever is stopping ffs.
I am not coping with anything well currently - school is horrible and I feel alone there and I can never walk in to a single room where I don't feel that people are looking down on me and are saying spiteful fucking things, the stress of exams is getting to me and there's that constant paranoia that I won't get into the university I've wanted to get into for years, I hate who I am and what I am, I get so many nasty and hateful comments from people when I genuinely have no idea what I've done wrong, a few good friends of mine have suddenly decided to turn against me and bitch about me constantly when I don't know what has gone wrong between us, I can't trust people anymore, I feel like I get taken advantage of as people are only interested in me when they want something, then I feel like I'm ignored and nobody wants me around, nobody believes my side of the story for anything and I get called stupid and naive a lot. I only have a few people in my life that I definitely can say genuinely care about me and I feel like I can trust them with my life. I really don't fucking care if people dislike me, but once you can't escape all the shit they give you it takes it's toll on you. IRL I keep myself to myself and I am pretty much nice and friendly to everyone, and I simply ignore the people who I dislike, so it's not like I deserve any of the crap. I'm nothing like I sometimes come across on VT.
When I went through the worst part of my teen years the bulimia was - albeit self-destructive - something I could control, and without it I don't know how I would have actually coped.
If you have actually read all of this, I wanna say thank you a lot for your time. I'm sorry I haven't been making much sense and I've been babbling on for ages, and I have probably made 2345643 spelling and grammar errors while typing this lol. At the end of the day I am terrified of what's happened to me and what could happen in the future. I'm so angry at myself for letting myself get to this stage - almost the final stage if I'm honest. I didn't think this would be the brutal reality, ever. The fact that I am dying is hard to process right now.
It did get to a point where my bulimia was so extreme I was surprised I wasn't dead already. For a few years I was purging extremely regularly, and there were even weeks where I would purge at least 20 times in the space of 12 hours for many days. I went to all sorts of lengths to purge - including mixing different kinds of medications in a bid to make myself vomit. I put so much strain on my body and I felt like I didn't care, and that nobody else cared really.
Because I managed to hide being bulimic until I was 17 from most people, I didn't get any medical help whatsoever and only received private help from a therapist (which didn't do me any good if I'm honest). When I was only able to purge blood, could barely move my body, always was dizzy and randomly passing out, I was still too afraid to tell anyone and get the treatment I really needed. Although I was in and out of hospitals and managed to convince my family it was just really bad anemia. The chemical imbalances in my body must of been completely fucked.
When I did finally admit to my eating disorder, that was when it had calmed down for about 8 months. I was still purging and had a major issue with eating, but it was no where near as extreme as it used to be. During this time I was more concentrating on restricting and binging, but not making myself vomit. I had a good feeling that things could get a lot better - which they did. But that was until things in my life where starting to get nasty again so I, obviously, turned back to bulimia. So I figured that at the worst times in my life I always used bulimia to distract myself and help me cope with it all.
Now, 2 weeks ago I found out that I've damaged my heart muscles as they are now very weak. I am now in and out of the hospital and doctor's surgery as I need to have constant attention as I am at big risk of other major heart problems like heart failure, or even a heart attack. That on top of constant trips to the psychiatrist so she can help me deal with my mental state as well as this new information that has pretty much shocked the hell out of me. I pretty much always feel weak, but I am always dizzy and faint and find it hard to concentrate or even move when I go through these episodes. I am no medical expert and tbh I couldn't go into massive detail as to what's wrong with me because I don't know, but the doctor expressed how serious this is for me just by simply saying that if I don't stop the bulimia now, I have a very high chance of dying soon - on top of already having big problems right now. Then when I asked her what she meant by that exactly, she told me to take one of my old days as an example (purging 15-20 times in a day several times within a week) I could die instantly because my organs are that weak and will not cope with the strain I am inflicting on them.
You would probably think "oh so that would stop her from purging now" but the absolute hardest thing is that nothing has sunk in properly for me and I am in the worst starving and binging rut right now and I have weaned off purging for a while but the urge to proceed with it is so intense. I also have an addiction to over-exercising which isn't good for my physical state as it is. I feel like I hate myself that much that I don't care if this literally kills me anymore, because it's already killed me in every other possible way if that makes sense. I have spent most of my days with this and not living with an eating disorder that's dominated my life just doesn't seem real. I want to stop my disorder NOW but I just can't see myself doing it. I am scared for myself because the hardest thing ever is stopping ffs.
I am not coping with anything well currently - school is horrible and I feel alone there and I can never walk in to a single room where I don't feel that people are looking down on me and are saying spiteful fucking things, the stress of exams is getting to me and there's that constant paranoia that I won't get into the university I've wanted to get into for years, I hate who I am and what I am, I get so many nasty and hateful comments from people when I genuinely have no idea what I've done wrong, a few good friends of mine have suddenly decided to turn against me and bitch about me constantly when I don't know what has gone wrong between us, I can't trust people anymore, I feel like I get taken advantage of as people are only interested in me when they want something, then I feel like I'm ignored and nobody wants me around, nobody believes my side of the story for anything and I get called stupid and naive a lot. I only have a few people in my life that I definitely can say genuinely care about me and I feel like I can trust them with my life. I really don't fucking care if people dislike me, but once you can't escape all the shit they give you it takes it's toll on you. IRL I keep myself to myself and I am pretty much nice and friendly to everyone, and I simply ignore the people who I dislike, so it's not like I deserve any of the crap. I'm nothing like I sometimes come across on VT.
When I went through the worst part of my teen years the bulimia was - albeit self-destructive - something I could control, and without it I don't know how I would have actually coped.
If you have actually read all of this, I wanna say thank you a lot for your time. I'm sorry I haven't been making much sense and I've been babbling on for ages, and I have probably made 2345643 spelling and grammar errors while typing this lol. At the end of the day I am terrified of what's happened to me and what could happen in the future. I'm so angry at myself for letting myself get to this stage - almost the final stage if I'm honest. I didn't think this would be the brutal reality, ever. The fact that I am dying is hard to process right now.