I'm living life fast

[Sordid Saint]

My head is SPINNING thinking about this right now, so just hear me out. I didn't know where to put this but it looked like it fit here best.

Just for the record, this post is influenced by lots of smoke, music, and thought. Also, people that are gonna say these feelings are normal, it's honestly not. What I'm feeling right now isn't like a normal kid wanting to escape.

So I'm just gonna tell you my story. If you don't like something that I'm saying please don't post, I'm just clearing my head.

I really am sick of what my life is right now. I'm not SUPPOSED to be living this life, in this organized way of going to school, college, and then get a job that I don't even want to do. I can just feel like I don't belong. For one thing, I'm the biggest fuckin pothhead in my school. When I say that I mean it. Not even like a recreational smoker, I'm more of a loner and stay with the real kids in my town. We all feel we don't belong. We're honestly a unique ass group of kids, and I love my crew man. BUT, all we do is cruise on the highway ALL DAY smoking and blasting music. Anyway, I can just feel that I'm out of place. I want to be somewhere like California where I can live in peace and pursue my dreams. I keep getting into trouble with my school, my parents, and getting into dumb ass highschool drama.

Where I'm going with this though, is that I really don't belong in normal life. I know I look kind of like a kid who is just wanting wealthiness and fame, but I'm not even joking. These are all real feelings. Everyone I meet tells me that I'm different, my teachers, kids, everyone. Everyone tells me I could do whatever I wanted in life if I just put in a little effort, and that I'm very determined. But what I really really really am planning on in life is becoming a famous musician. I've had this dream for years now. I'm very musically talented, it just clicks in my brain. Namely though, I want to produce rap beats, rap, produce electronic music (dubstep and house music), or become a DJ. Or do as many of those as I can fit in. I honestly can just feel that I could achieve this, like I'm not even joking. I want to travel the world with my crew and keep them close to me because they are the fucking realest people in the world. But the problem is that my grades aren't good enough to get into a good college for music which would really help me get a record deal. So if I were to pursue this career, I would basically be on my own for finding a good record deal. I just was clearing my head, if you read the whole thing, thank you very much for your time because I'm so determined to reach my dreams that I'm starting to get depressed just thinking that it might not happen. And I'm depressed that I'm stuck in this time in my life and that I can't just fast forward to where I can live my life the way I want to, not how OTHER people wnat me to live it.

I would post my music but it's really not appropriate for this forum I don't think and don't want to cause problems.

EDIT: part of why I'm so depressed is probably because I need a fucking girlfriend. I can talk to my friends about ANYTHING and relate to all of them, but I don't have anyone to really connect to anymore. It's just like an empty hole in my life.

[DarkNick]

Peace bro.
I wish you're gonna make it ;)
Calm yourself down and you'll make it!
Never stop walking. No matter what happens just keep on walking!

[Mortal Coil]

Being depressed isn't going to get you anywhere. Take a step back, think about what you need to do.
The life most of us are doomed to lead is really superficial and kudos to you for not wanting to be a part of it. However, you still need to play the game a little.
I sound like your mom, but maybe lay off the weed just enough to pull your grades up.
DON'T GIVE UP :D

[Desuetude]

Hey, I think you just need to focus more on school, remember that the things you do today are going to make your life in the future. Like Alex said maybe try and lay off the smoking a bit, give yourself a chance to get back up and get into school, which honestly is where you should be if you want this so much.
Work hard now and it will make it easier in the future. Don't let other people influence your decisions, you're the one thats got to live with them in the end. I say just put everything you have into school, all the time you have, everything. Its only for a few years but it will map out your life. You will get there if you just keep trying so don't give up, keep thinking of what the future could bring, these are just the stepping stones.

[Sordid Saint]

Sorry about taking so long to post again, but anyway I really don't know what to do anymore. I've already mailed FSU which is full sail university in florida and I'm gonna take a trip down there after this school year or next year to check out the school. What I meant by depressed now that I'm a LITTLE bit more sober than before lol, is that I really really really wanna make it in that industry but there's these thoughts in my head that keep saying you won't make it or you won't be good enough. When I think about that it's just crushing my dreams. I really don't want to live just a normal life, like fuck that nothing good has happened to me yet in life, and I know I'm young but I can still say I haven't gotten back what I put in my whole life, I just really hope it comes back in the form of success in the career that I want to be in.

Idk I'm in a weird mind state lately sorry

[Sordid Saint]

Thanks everyone for the support but toning down my smoking won't do me any good or maybe will do worse for me. It's where pretty much all the influence and motivation comes from for my music. As for my grades, I'm really not the "school" type of kid . Anyone I know will tell you the same. There's just people that CAN'T for the life of them study things that don't interest them. I'm one of those people. I excel in things that I like, for instance on my biology mcas I got a near perfect score. Didn't study once the whole year and barely did any homework the whole year AND I barely paid attention. My final grade in the class was a d- or something dumb like that but I got into the highly advanced section on my mcas and only got like 3 questions wrong because I was half interested in the subject. I don't know if that means anything to you guys, but to me it means that if I like something I can do whatever the fuck I want with it. THIS is the reason I have the feelings I described in the main post.

Shit sorry for the double post