i don't know >.<

[trooneh]

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but I am. I feel devoid of hope honestly. I feel like I'm messing up in everything I do. I feel like I'm a failure that doesn't deserve to be walking on this earth, and I don't know what to do. Maybe I should die. Maybe I should just disappear, or have an "accident"...I really just don't know what to do anymore...

Every friendship I've made in the past ten years, I've lost because of my selfishness and my focusing on my own shallow problems over anything else. This just feeds into the cycle, because losing friends makes me upset, which makes me lose friends. I've tried breaking out of the cycle but then something stupid happens that restarts it. I just keep losing people, finding new ones, then losing them as well. I can't keep a friend, why should I keep trying?

Meanwhile, I go to a decent school, but I've got a crappy GPA. I'm barely scraping by, and it's going to lead to me failing in the future. If I can't handle school, how the fuck can I handle regular life? I obviously can't. I applied to twenty internships last fall of those only four chose to interview me, and only one chose to offer me a job. That was a godsend in many ways, but I'm even having problems there.

At my internship, I've been getting the cold shoulder from my coworkers more and more. It started with everyone being great and welcoming, but over time I've become less talked to, less accepted. It's been light but noticeable to me. I'm also making novice mistakes at my job that I fear could cost me the internship entirely. If I can't do an internship, how can I succeed at a job out of college? I've worked hard to make sure I'm on time every day, but I can't do a good job at something I'm passionate about, let alone something that doesn't interest me nearly as much...

I can't seem to succeed at anything I put my mind to and I'm just growing tired. Every day, I wake up and struggle to roll out of bed. So far, I've been able to keep going, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I try to focus on helping everyone I can in order to keep going, but I keep feeling that people are merely taking advantage of that. They only talk to me if they need something, otherwise I'm just a last resort if no one else is online. There are precious few exceptions to this, and I'm very grateful to you few. You do more for me than you could ever know.

I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of feeling ostracized, isolated, alone, useless, ugly, fat, everything bad. I can't see any good in myself, at all. I want to stop feeling for once, I want to be able to just be empty. That'd be better than the pain I'm constantly in lately, and I can't tell people. Until recently, I'd come such a long way from when I was younger. I don't want to go back down the road I've already been down. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know...maybe I should disappear. Fade into the ground. Just cease to exist... then everyone would be happier.

[ImCoolBeans]

Sean, I see so much good and so much promise in you. You constantly help and support me and I appreciate this more than you know. You're extremely intelligent, well spoken, you help everyone every chance you get and it certainly does not go unnoticed. Losing you would really be a tragedy, Sean. And none of us want to see that happen.

You need to figure out who your true friends are and who they are not. This can really be tough to do, but you really just need to find yourself. Your true friends will come to you soon enough, and you'll certainly know when they do. From 3rd grade until the beginning of 8th grade I didn't have any true friends. But trust me, they do come.

As for your internship, don't worry about what the others think of you. It's your job to complete and succeed in. Don't let them get in the way of your future. Shut them out of your body and mind, they are meaningless, unimportant. Remember that this is a learning experience and you're getting to know the ropes. You're finding your way and easing into the field - which is not easy to do. I admire you for going out every day and working with autistic people. It really is inspiring. You're a good person, Sean, and we all notice it, all of the time.

Getting out of bed in the morning can be tough when you're not in best spirits. But the most important thing to remember is that you are not worthless and that you do have a purpose. You are helpful by nature. You desire to help your friends, and strangers, without anything in return - which is an extremely admirable trait. You get up and help those autistic people every day. It never ceases to amaze me, Sean.

You disappearing does not solve anything. Death is not the option here. I'm willing to help you in any way that I can, and I know handful of people that without a doubt feel the same way. Don't feel bad about the way you look, Sean. In the end of the day that stuff does not matter at all, and if you really want to - you could always change dietary habits and styles, which I also would be very willing to help you with.

You disappearing would not bring anyone any joy. When you read this please talk to me. I want to help you. Lets make a plan, Sean. And we'll stick to that plan. You know that I'm always here for you and I'll help in any way that I can every step of the way.

We all love you Seany. Be safe, please.

[Dimitri]

Sean, I see so much good and so much promise in you. You constantly help and support me and I appreciate this more than you know. You're extremely intelligent, well spoken, you help everyone every chance you get and it certainly does not go unnoticed. Losing you would really be a tragedy, Sean. And none of us want to see that happen.

You need to figure out who your true friends are and who they are not. This can really be tough to do, but you really just need to find yourself. Your true friends will come to you soon enough, and you'll certainly know when they do. From 3rd grade until the beginning of 8th grade I didn't have any true friends. But trust me, they do come.

As for your internship, don't worry about what the others think of you. It's your job to complete and succeed in. Don't let them get in the way of your future. Shut them out of your body and mind, they are meaningless, unimportant. Remember that this is a learning experience and you're getting to know the ropes. You're finding your way and easing into the field - which is not easy to do. I admire you for going out every day and working with autistic people. It really is inspiring. You're a good person, Sean, and we all notice it, all of the time.

Getting out of bed in the morning can be tough when you're not in best spirits. But the most important thing to remember is that you are not worthless and that you do have a purpose. You are helpful by nature. You desire to help your friends, and strangers, without anything in return - which is an extremely admirable trait. You get up and help those autistic people every day. It never ceases to amaze me, Sean.

You disappearing does not solve anything. Death is not the option here. I'm willing to help you in any way that I can, and I know handful of people that without a doubt feel the same way. Don't feel bad about the way you look, Sean. In the end of the day that stuff does not matter at all, and if you really want to - you could always change dietary habits and styles, which I also would be very willing to help you with.

You disappearing would not bring anyone joy. When you read this please talk to me. I want to help you. Lets make a plan, Sean. And we'll stick to that plan. You know that I'm always here for you and I'll help in any way that I can every step of the way.

We all love you Seany, be safe. Please.
I cannot say it any better than that and most likely I wouldn't be able too....


BUT, not just ten minutes ago you help due with a problem, you have a purpose here, I know you do and if you leave who else will i get to debate psychoanalytical thinking or any other assorted psychology topics....

[Stronger]

Well said Mikey. Seany we all love you, we in this community all do, we are like one big family, you cant push us away. Clearly we all want you to come to us and you disappearing would all hurt us alot, no one would be happy at all. Just please, talk to one of us if you feel down, depressed, loney.

[Desuetude]

What mike said is 100% true.

Sean you should not die. Do you know how bad it is to hear you tell me not to do anything rash then I fin out that you are thinking exactly the same thing :-(
You deserve to be on the earth as much as any of us, I don't know why you'd feel you arnt. You are not selfish, you try and help people, give advice and it does help, so much. So many people appreciate you, we do and we will never leave you, as long as you want us here. Don't feel like your a burden, talk about what youre feeling, you deserve to be listened to and lots of people want to listen.
No you should not fade away, don't think that no one would care, they would, we would. I for one would miss you a great deal you have been a great help, some of the best I've got.
I know you just want the pain to go away but maybe letting someone in will help with that. Keeping it all to yourself does nothing but bring more pain. Like mike said death is not an option, we are all here for you and will be all the way through this. You don't give yourself enough credit and I hate to see you do down, dont disappear please.
I don't know what else to say, you know what I think of you kind, caring, genuine, not at all selfish but no matter how many times I tell you, you just can't seem to grasp the concept that you are not a bad person Sean. You are one of the good and really do deserve to live a happy life. Please talk to me if you need to, im always here for you just like you've been there for me. <33

[Magenta]

Mike honestly couldn't have said it better.

We're all here to help, Sean. That and you need to come visit me. :D I'm still looking forward to that so you have to stick around, yes? You're one of my favourite people and I want to be around to listen even if sometimes I'm not the best help.

We really do love you, Sean, a ton. You've also gotten me through a lot or offered support when no one else wanted to or knew how which is really important to me. :hug:

That one hug isn't enough. You deserve ALL the hugs but then I'd end up spamming. D:

[SosbanFach]

Sean, I see so much good and so much promise in you. You constantly help and support me and I appreciate this more than you know. You're extremely intelligent, well spoken, you help everyone every chance you get and it certainly does not go unnoticed. Losing you would really be a tragedy, Sean. And none of us want to see that happen.

You need to figure out who your true friends are and who they are not. This can really be tough to do, but you really just need to find yourself. Your true friends will come to you soon enough, and you'll certainly know when they do. From 3rd grade until the beginning of 8th grade I didn't have any true friends. But trust me, they do come.

As for your internship, don't worry about what the others think of you. It's your job to complete and succeed in. Don't let them get in the way of your future. Shut them out of your body and mind, they are meaningless, unimportant. Remember that this is a learning experience and you're getting to know the ropes. You're finding your way and easing into the field - which is not easy to do. I admire you for going out every day and working with autistic people. It really is inspiring. You're a good person, Sean, and we all notice it, all of the time.

Getting out of bed in the morning can be tough when you're not in best spirits. But the most important thing to remember is that you are not worthless and that you do have a purpose. You are helpful by nature. You desire to help your friends, and strangers, without anything in return - which is an extremely admirable trait. You get up and help those autistic people every day. It never ceases to amaze me, Sean.

You disappearing does not solve anything. Death is not the option here. I'm willing to help you in any way that I can, and I know handful of people that without a doubt feel the same way. Don't feel bad about the way you look, Sean. In the end of the day that stuff does not matter at all, and if you really want to - you could always change dietary habits and styles, which I also would be very willing to help you with.

You disappearing would not bring anyone any joy. When you read this please talk to me. I want to help you. Lets make a plan, Sean. And we'll stick to that plan. You know that I'm always here for you and I'll help in any way that I can every step of the way.

We all love you Seany. Be safe, please.

This is all true Sean, as I've told you so many times before. The qualities found in you are sadly lacking in so many others. Your selflessness, your perseverance, helpfulness, the list goes on. You helped me from when I first started talking to you, despite the appalling way in which I would sometimes treat you.
Your death would truly be, as Mike so correctly said, nothing short of a tragedy. What you do for so many people is admirable. You help people regardless of how they treat you in return. Not many people are so selfless, so kind, as to have the willingness to do that. You know that I'm happy to do my best to try and help you, always. If you ever want to talk, I'll be about. We all want only the best for you Sean. You've done so much to deserve it, after all.

[Texas warrior]

You are one of my favorite people on VT. you are a good person. The way the people around you see you is the way you see yourself, so if some one thinks that you do not disirve to live then get away from them. See your self as I see you. A helpful friend, Your loss would be felt around the world, from Texas to Toronto.

[Dimentio]

SEAN! Do you know when i was talking to you last night and i mentioned father figures, Well i think of you as a dad, I just am not sure what one is but i feel like you are one, That is why i am so close to you!
So PLEASE don't go doing anything stupid, You got me as a friend and you always have done and always will! You are really happy and nice to talk with and maybe too caring you always got me remeber :) Please don't go doing stupid things, You hate seeing me hurt and if you did, It would be the worst of all.
Sean look at all your friends here! We all love you, PMing you now you seem set on stuff and saying no one will love you when, Like i said, Your like a dad to me and your the best friend anyone could ever ask for, Reading this thread made me cry like i never have before and i still want too, No matter what people think of you or you think of others or yourself, I will always be here for one of the most BESTEST friends i have ever had and i know people feel the same! You told me off for thinking bad last night so don't do it either.