Irony and so many pills.

[Magenta]

Funny that a thread from this time last year got bumped yesterday. It was so positive too. It honestly makes me laugh. I'm not sure what I was thinking.

I'm also not sure what my mother was thinking. She left 41 pills of Wellbutrin just sitting in the kitchen cupboard. 150mg each... so 6,150mg in total. They are anti-depressants, maybe they can fix this.

A friend of mine made me promise to give him a three day warning before I felt I wanted to do something. Well, I kept that promise. I lived up my end up the bargain. Those three days are up. He's out with his girlfriend most likely. The rest of my friends are miserable about the date so wouldn't care. Another friend just abandons me when I need her.

I'm absolutely worthless. Nothing about my life is worth saving. Today I was talking to a teacher about some class stuff and she asked me about another student I've been talking to who is really depressed and hasn't been in school. The teacher knew and asked how well I knew her since she'd heard we talked and thought that was a good thing, that maybe we had some connection. She knew how miserable the other girl was... is. But she can't see me, right in front of her. The girl who, standing a foot away, is practically pleading for her to see something isn't okay. Is my mask that good? I can't take it down anymore. I don't know how. I guess I'll never get help then. No one sees how badly I'm doing.

I was trying so hard for so many people. But no matter what I do, I'm never happy. I've never been happy. I'm useless, I screw everything up. I never do enough for my mother or teachers. Even random strangers hate me. A woman glared straight at me on the bus yesterday because I started to cry so I stopped.

I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I'm ready to die just for the pain to stop. Isn't that what anti-depressants do? Get rid of depression? Then why not mine? Am I that awful that even inanimate objects have somehow formed hatred for me? If I do this, I need it to work, not to wake up in a hospital hating myself more. Or maybe that would finally tell someone how much I need them since they aren't getting the message any other way. Nah, I'd just die. No one is home for another three hours almost and no one is around to pick up their phone if I regret it.

Today feels fitting. No friends who like me, so why would there be even one person for me? Oh well. It's not like I was expecting any different. I just want to cling to my cat for dear life and cry but that won't fix anything. Nothing will help. I need this to stop...

What do I do? I'm the responsible one, the smart one, the happy one, the sympathetic one, the caring one... but I'm the complete opposite when thinking about myself.

I'm sorry this is so long... they're just right in front of me...

I'm so selfish, I shouldn't even be here.

[xXl0sth0peXx]

I've already voiced my opinions to you Jo.. Please get rid of the pills.. You know you don't need them.. you're better than them.

You really can't go Jo, you mean so much to so many people here on VT, you've helped so many people so much, myself included, and you would honestly, really be missed.

You're not worthless, Jo. You have so much potential, and so much to give to the world. You're so far from worthless.

If you're gonna do something.. please get help.. You won't regret getting help. You deserve life, Jo. More than anyone I know.

-hugs- I'm here for you.

[Magenta]

I don't want this anymore. I can't stop crying all of a sudden. My mum is coming home soon. Honestly, by now, people here are expecting me to kill myself. I don't know what to do. I want to so badly but I'm scared. I've had enough. I've had enough of looking in the mirror in the morning and seeing a failure and a fat, ugly girl who has never been enough. I hate this world and I want no part of it but I'm too scared to die. There's so many people I don't want to leave but they don't want me here. It might as well just be the same as hating them anyway. In a way, I do hate them but it's just because I'm so selfish not to want to be alone when I have to be.

My mum's going to be home and she'll see I've been crying. She'll ask why... I should just go hide in my room but I don't want to leave the pills. Everyone is expecting me to do this.

[ImCoolBeans]

Jo, you're not worthless and those pills are not the solution you are looking for. Our friendship means more to me than you know, I cherish it - and I know that others feel the same way. I really wish you did not feel the way you do about screwing up and ruining everything, because I see you help a vast number of people on this site and it really amazes me. You're always so willing to help, and I admire and appreciate that more than you know.

I think it may be time that you seek help. I know that it might not be ideal in your mind, but it really can make all of the difference. I know that all of your friends, here on VT and your personal friends, want nothing but the best for you - and I think they would agree with me. Something as simple as reaching out for that teacher, or a parent, a friends parent, anyone that you can trust can really make all of the difference in the world.

I hope nothing but the best for you all of the time, Jo. I don't think you're a selfish person, it's not your nature. You're one of the kindest, sweetest and most helpful people I know. Throwing that away would truly be a tragedy, and a tragedy that no body wants to see come true.

We love you, Jo. Please talk to me when you see this. Talk to any of us.

Be safe, be well.

[anonymous53]

Jocelyn, I know...I'm probably not someone you want posting on this, but please don't kill yourself.

You are far from worthless, you've gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life.

We don't want you to do this at all Jo, we care about you so much.

Please, get help, tell that teacher you need help. She seems like a caring teacher if she's concerned about another student. Sometimes teachers are blind and it takes being blunt with them.

You are not selfish, you've been keeping everything to yourself lately, I'm not sure why. You're far from selfish, and everyone here is worried about you. Please...get help

[Dimitri]

Oh honey, please, listen to me, you are worth so much, I honestly do no think you realize how much you hep people here, you are a moderator, that means you know what it is like and you know how to help others and you do it well.

I love you musical ability, I haunt heard you sing in forever but I am sure the people around you who have heard you sing ofter would miss your wonderful voice. WE NEED TO DO A DUET in tiny chat....

Honey, say no to the pills, they won't help, I tried once and if it went for the support of my family I wouldn't be here, today, telling you what a gem you are to this community.

Remember -- live, laugh and love....

[Aves]

Jo, even though we've only known each other maybe a month, you've been a great friend. Even if it's just a random ass conversation in chat, you've made my days a lot better. I would miss you if you were gone. I know you're strong, I know you can endure this. Everyone must endure pain in their life, sometimes it just all seems to come at once though. I want you to be safe. Please, talk to us.

[Mortal Coil]

Jo, I'm not going to brg youbnot to kill yourself. If you don't want to live in misery then who am I to stop you? I am, however, going to tell you that you are far from selfish or worthless. You are a huge inspiration to everyone on VT, myself included, and if you were selfish why would you help so many strangers on here?
You're not fat or ugly, and I know these are only words but why would I say them? What do I have to gain from keeping you miserable?
I love you, Jo.

[Magenta]

So I'll prolly edit this or something later because I'm half-asleep and not really thinking that clearly but thank you. I'm okay, I've just sort of been sleeping on and off for the last three hours. Still honestly feeling awful (and have prolly made myself sick from stress, blah) but the replies did help.

Right, going back to sleep now.

Edit: And now it's almost 7am and I know I have to get up but I don't want to. I'd rather go back to having nightmares because even those are preferable to having to go to school. Every part of me is just screaming I should have taken those pills. I almost don't want to come home tonight because my pills plus my mother's prescriptions are all over the house. I can't tell her to hide them because she'll ask why. I don't feel much better at all but... life goes on, doesn't it? More motions to carry out as per the usual.

If I get help, I'll be put in the hospital again. I've been locked up for less. I'm not sure I can go through that for a third time. Also, who ends up in the hospital three times in one year? Then I'd just be deemed more crazy than I am. I don't even know.

Anyway, I really appreciated all of your replies a lot. :hug: Thank you again.

[Dimitri]

:hug2::hug:

[Desuetude]

Hey Jo im so sorry you're feeling like this. You are so kind, caring, such a lovely person always ready to help others. Those pills are nota good thing you need to get rid of them, if that means telling your mum then so be it, please don't do something rash that later you will thoroughly regret. If they're in the house then get out go for a walk, take one photos do something you enjoy.
We are all here for you ready to support you but you know that.
Please just try and get some help, its horrible hearing you feel like this, you honestly don't deserve to
Pease stay safe <3.

[Magenta]

Everyone is trying to get me to talk to my mum. I almost told my dad but couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm too scared of what happened last year after I tried to kill myself. If I say I've been trying again, even as half-heartedly as it has been, they're going to try to put me in the hospital again. It was traumatizing the first time and still is and I'm not sure I can do that again.

I also think that professional help is money we don't have. Money in my family is a touchy subject and I just know that we can't afford all this crap because of me... I don't deserve it if it's just going to make things worse for everyone else again.

Everything was such a hassle last time and I'm scared and all I can think is how much of a burden I am. I'm not feeling nearly as bad now but I can see it spiraling pretty quickly again at this rate. I got so angry at one friend last night... because she just didn't seem to get it that now it's not an issue of fixing things around me, it's everything inside my head and I just can't do that without messing things up for my family and it's either my family or my sanity. I can't be more of a disappointment to them, I just can't be.

I don't know why I keep hesitating. This is ridiculous, I know. I need to stop wasting everyone's time with this. >< Gah, I'm sorry.

[Stronger]

Jo, you are one beautiful girl, you are super nice and most certain are not worthless, Jo you being gone would be horrible, like you just not being there in the chat talking about Cleo or how you eat noodles just wouldn't be the same. I know you can find the strength to wanna take those pills. Maybe if you feel you need someone to talk to like a teacher, stay after school and talk to him/her but maybe a professional like Mikey said but be the way to help ease the pain, We all love you Jo, you don't deserve this and I hope your pain will leave <3

*edit* Don't say you are wasting our time, because you aren't we just want to help you and you don't need to apologise either.

[Desuetude]

You're not wasting peoples time at all. I know you're probably fed up of hearing from me but here comes anouther one.
Jo you need some help, just one person is all. One person who knows everything so you wont have to keep it in anymore. Your parents are there to support you whatever happens and you need someone with you at this moment in time.
You need some help, you can't go on like this waiting for the moment when you do do succeed and can't be here to regret it later. You are not a burden and you are definitely worth the time, you need to remember that my everyone can be absolutely perfect and we all need help and guidance at some point.
Your friend doesn't understand but you just have to be patient with her, not many people will and anger isn't going to help her get to the bottom of what you're feeling either. With the family and sanity debate that isn't true. You can have both, you just have to work t them. Just imagine what it would be like if you chose family, if you managed to kill yourself then they would be distraught, that is what would break them.

[Magenta]

No matter what I do, I'm ruining everything. I was talking to another friend and I just got a really long text that was pretty harsh... I don't know if it was meant that way but I feel like I got slapped in the face. If I'm dead, everything from his text will happen, if I'm alive, well, we know what's going on. I can't do anything right no matter what.

I'm so sick of everything and I don't know what to do.

Now I'm mostly just whinging. I've been like this for years. Someone should just hit me with a bus while I'm crossing the street. Maybe I'll just walk into traffic. That way, it won't be my fault but I won't still be alive.

[Syvelocin]

Ugh Jo I just wish I could take you into my arms and never let you go. Make you some tea and spend the night telling you how everything is going to be all right. I should get myself some children or something. Lol.

Whatever you do love, don't stop writing this stuff. It's the furthest thing from wasting our time. You know that. If it took 24 hours straight for me to as much as cheer you up, I'd do it. You deserve everything, every bit of happiness you haven't experienced, every bit of love you aren't receiving from anyone. Just please don't stop venting.

You don't want any of that to happen. I know you don't. I never wanted any of that either. You want the pain to stop, but the only way it's going to is if you keep trudging on through the blizzard. If you quit and curl up to die, that doesn't stop the pain, not even close. You just let it win. Every tunnel ends. With every night there is a sunrise. I can keep going with the inspirational metaphors hun. I've got pages of them in my head. But quitting doesn't solve anything. You know, you can have the crappiest fucking life but it isn't better to be dead. I know what it's like to be dealt that hand that just won't win the pot. You gotta keep drawing cards though. You'll still be stuck with your twos and threes but you can draw an ace. Why throw your hand away on the twos and threes? Cause you will never get that ace if you fold.

I'll quit on a metaphor I'm rather pleased with. But if you need more than pep talks Jo don't hesitate to talk. You're the best thing I could do with my day.